


Ocean Eyes

by the_lights_and_the_roses



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Buck Gets a Backstory, Buck was in foster care, Drama, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Not Beta Read, Post Lawsuit, References to Depression, Secret Relationship, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-27
Updated: 2020-12-03
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:40:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 49,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22928845
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_lights_and_the_roses/pseuds/the_lights_and_the_roses
Summary: “This isn’t about me not trusting you.”“Sure doesn’t feel like it,” Buck grumbles.Eddie is so close to him now he can almost hear him breathing. He can smell his cologne; it’s different to Buck’s, warmer somehow.  “You idiot,” Eddie says, but it’s more affectionate now, “It’s about you not trusting me.”And Buck does. He trusts Eddie so damn much he can’t even tell him. It’s just since the lawsuit, since the tsunami,  he can’t see how Eddie could reciprocate.After Buck unintentionally opens up about his childhood to the team, it triggers a series of events that will challenge and change everything Buck thought he knew about himself, Eddie, love and life.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 241
Kudos: 837





	1. An End Has a Start

**Author's Note:**

> This fic may later refer non-graphically to topics such as child abuse, light mentions of depression and possibly internalised homophobia. If these are topics that are not comfortable for you, please exercise caution. There is no explicit mention of the above in this chapter.  
> There is my first Buddie fic and I really hope you enjoy it.  
> The fic title is from Ocean Eyes by Billie Eillish - I do not own this in any way, shape or form. Thank you Whis on the Buddie discord for helping me narrow down my title selection and to all the lovely people for supporting me in this fic.  
> The chapter title is from the Editors song An End Has A Start - I also don't own that. Finally, I don't (obviously) own 9-1-1 or any of its characters. This is just for fun!

The shift has been calm and everyone is in the loft upstairs. Buck’s playing a video game with Eddie; their knees touching slightly and yet neither of them have moved them. There have been moments like this recently; Buck doesn’t quite know what to make of them, or why he’s noticing the moments in the first place.

He can smell cooking wafting from the kitchen where Bobby is currently making the team lunch. He can smell the tomato sauce. God he loves Pasta Thursday.

“I mean, it’s such a responsibility-“ Hen says suddenly a hint of anxiety in her tone.

“What is?” Chim asks, looking up from his paper.

“We’ve just finished the class, for the fostering pre approval to come through and it really hit me that we’re doing this.”

“So’s any parenting and you seem to be doing a pretty great job with Denny,” Buck says softly, putting the controller down for a moment. “You’re going to be great at it.”

“Thanks, Buck. I guess, I’m just worried. What if we get a kid who’s been through stuff, are we equipped for that? I think about the things we’ve seen, kids being treated so badly and the scars that leaves. What if we say the wrong thing, or can’t help them? What if we let them down? I don’t want to make their lives worse.”

There’s a moment of silence and Buck swallows. “I think you’ll be fine, Hen, the fact you’re asking that says everything about you and Karen. I just wish there had been more people like you and Karen fostering when I was growing up, it would have been way better when I was a kid.”

“What do you mean?” Hen asks, brow furrowed in confusion.

“You’re going to be good foster parents?”

“I think Hen meant about the bit where you talked about growing up,” Eddie says dryly; he’s also put down his controller now and Buck realises that everyone is staring at him.

“Yeah, I meant that.” Hen pauses. “Did you spend time in the system? Did Maddie?”

“You knew I was a foster kid, right? Like, this isn’t news to you?” Buck doesn’t know how they didn’t already know; he was sure that that this was old news.

“What?” Hen and Eddie both say at once.

“Maddie and I, we were both - I pretty much grew up in the system.” Buck shrugs, stretching and putting an arm above his shoulder.

“You and Maddie were foster kids?” Hen repeats the question. Her voice is kind, sympathetic and Buck knows where this going. The gentle concern, the careful prying of why did they end up in the system and how bad was it? There’s a reason he doesn’t need to talk about it; this isn’t his identifying feature. It’s one small facet of who he is, how he grew up. It isn’t his whole damn identity.

He notices that Bobby has joined the team by the sofas now and no, this isn’t right. He doesn’t need some sympathetic sharing session. This is a nothing, don’t they remember he was crushed by a ladder truck? Oh God, is this going to be a thing? Everything just was finally getting back to a equilibrium after the lawsuit and he does not need this to rampage in and ruin everything.

“You really didn’t know? Huh, Karen and I talked about it recently though when we were doing the Christmas dinner thing. I figured you’d know from that; did she not say? To be honest, I really thought you guys already knew, like from ages ago.” He isn't lying, he _really_ did think that.

“Chim, did you know?” Bobby asks. Buck notices he’s still holding the spoon for the pasta sauce.

Chim puts his hands up. “Sure, I just figured Buck didn’t want to bring it up at work.”

Hen, Eddie and Bobby all stare at Chim who sighs. “You do remember I date Maddie, Buck’s sister, right? Of course I knew.”

“It’s really not a big deal. It’s not like a drama. Anyway, I thought Bobby knew after the whole baby thing that time.” Buck stands up, needing to move, to not be still and have all this focus. After the lawsuit, this is the last things he needs.

Bobby purses his lips in response.

“You talk about your parents,” Eddie says suddenly and Buck swears that he almost sounds a little betrayed. “You’ve mentioned them several times. You’ve talked about your _Mom_ and _Dad_.”

“Yeah, they were my foster parents.” Buck says, his tone clear he thought that was obvious. “I mean Maddie and I were with them the longest, even called them Mom and Dad. I think I was their longest placement too. I stayed with them until I aged out and went to college. They’re cool, good people. I mean, we’re not like, best friends or super close, but they're good.”

“You’ve never bought them here. When you were in hospital and…”

“They’ve spent enough damn time worrying about me, okay?” Buck’s tone is sharper. “They don’t need to be worrying about me now.” He thinks back to the way he was as a teenager; the self-destructive qualities it’s taken him ten years to shake off. Maybe his coping mechanisms haven’t been perfect; Buck 1.0 might say a lot about that. He’s grown now though. He doesn’t need to worry both his parents every five minutes because of his latest crisis.

There’s an awkward silence.

“Besides, they’re still actively fostering; it’s really not easy to just drop everything because I -”

“Had a pulmonary embolism? Was crushed by a ladder truck? What about when Maddie -”

“The ladder truck was described as a broken leg, ‘cause that’s what it was.” Buck doesn’t mention they don’t know about the embolism. They _won’t_ know about the embolism.

“How old were you?” Eddie asks.

“When I placed with them? Like 12, maybe, I might have been younger, or older, I don’t really remember - Maddie would. If you want to know, I'd ask her, all the years blur together for me.”

“I meant in the system?”

“Buck 1.0 makes a lot of sense now,” Hen says suddenly and Buck is grateful for the intrusion. Even if it is an insult.

“It’s not like I’m damaged, you are so overreacting. Do not say shit like that to your foster kids, Hen.” In all honesty, Buck thinks Hen may have a point. He’ll just never admit that.

“Bobby, I think the pasta needs some attention,” Buck says after another short silence. He crosses his arms defensively as he regards his team. He doesn’t like being scrutinised like this, he feels exposed.

Bobby looks panicked for a moment and then returns to the kitchen. Clearly he can smell the slight scent of burning that's emanating from the kitchen.

“Lunch in five,” Bobby says and Buck hopes that’s the end of the whole saga. He's never wanted the alarm to go off more.

* * *

Eddie doesn’t mention Buck’s unintended confession for the rest of the shift. He doesn’t mention it the next day when they text. Buck only hopes that it’s because he’s let it go because Buck really doesn’t want this to become a thing; not after things were just getting back to normal. Eddie’s oddly betrayed face is stuck in his mind though.

Is it bad that Buck genuinely thought they already knew? Besides, it’s not a big deal.

Now they’re at Eddie’s house now with Christopher for what is fast becoming a weekly tradition: pizza and movie or video game night.

He is so glad he has Eddie and Christopher now. That kid is just incredible; he never complains, is funny and sweet and kind. Eddie’s a damn good dad.

Christopher is engrossed in the movie; it involves some sort of action hero and possibly robots. Buck’s attention has been waning because he can feel that Eddie wants to talk to him.

He grabs his empty plate, looks at Eddie and they walk into the kitchen.

“Spit it out,” he says, annoyed that Eddie is clearly holding something back.

“It’s nothing,” Eddie turns away. He then sighs and faces Buck. ”Just, why didn’t you tell me? Chim knew-” Eddie moves to the fridge and pulls out two beers and opens them, passing one to Buck.

Buck takes a sip before he replies. “He’s dating Maddie. Maddie told him.” Buck can feel everything being pulled from underneath him again. “Look man, I don’t understand the big deal.”

“We’re friends. I know all about your history with Ali and Abby and all the girls before that. I was there when you were crushed by a damn ladder truck. I know about your quirks and fascination with researching everything and anything,” Eddie pauses, smiling at Buck. “But I didn’t know about this, you didn’t trust me, with this? With your childhood?”

“What do you want to know?”

“Why you didn’t tell me.”

“Because you’re making it a big deal and it’s not. So what, Eddie, my parents weren’t like yours, or like you. I ended up in a good home with good people. I got to go college, do you know how freaking rare that is? I mean I didn’t really take advantage of it, but I got in-“

“Buck, I-”

“People have this preconception right, like it means I’m troubled or - that shit, something bad happened to me. It was my life, Eddie, it was what I knew. And Maddie and I, we were the lucky ones.”

“I guess, it’s just I didn’t know and I thought we were friends -“

“We are, Eddie.“ Why is Eddie making this into such a thing? Buck wishes he had never mentioned it. Now Eddie’s looking at him like he doesn’t even know him, or like Eddie’s killed Buck’s cat - he can’t quite get a read on the situation.

“Lena made this thing out of me not knowing her cat’s name.” The cat, it is definitely the dead cat face.

“She doesn’t have a cat,” Buck interrupts without thinking. Lena is not a cat person, that much is obvious to anyone. 

“See, see! I didn’t know that.” Score one for Buck on recognition of someone who has a pet and someone who doesn’t. “When the whole fighting thing happened, she went to give Cap the full story. I made some assumptions, she called me on some stuff. She said about how she knew stuff about me, was my friend, but I wasn’t doing the same. I guess you keeping something from me just made me wonder if she had a point.”

“I don’t know what your friendship with Lena was like, Eddie, but this really isn’t a thing. Look, ask me whatever you want- I’ll tell you.”

“Why? Why were you in the system in the first place? Did something happen?”

“Why do you think, Eddie?” Buck retorts, “They just removed two kids from a house for fun?” He sighs, pinches his nose before he speaks. "Our bio Mom had some issues; addiction mostly so she couldn’t take care of us like she wanted to, or like we needed. I never met my father. She wasn’t evil or anything, just… sad and messed up. Maddie,” Buck pauses and looks away, “Maddie basically raised me until we went in the system.” Sometimes Buck still feels guilty about that; he kept his sister from having a proper childhood. She had to get him washed and ready as a toddler and she always tried to hide how bad things were.

“But you aged out of the system? That means you weren’t adopted, but you said you call them Mom and Dad?”

Buck nods. “I wouldn’t get adopted without Maddie. I couldn’t.” His voice is fierce, he recognises it himself. “Maddie was grown up and aged out and - we called - _call_ them Mom and Dad, it was just like adoption, without all the paperwork. They love Maddie too.” Buck remembers the many times his social worker talked about adoption, about the extra security that would give Buck and his adamance he couldn’t do that without Maddie. It didn’t matter that his sister’s surname was Kendall at that point, they were both Buckleys. Thankfully his parents had appreciated that, had got it when some wouldn’t. He would always be grateful for them for taking his voice into account there.

“Dad,” Christopher calls from the next room, “Buck?”

“We should go back in,” Buck says, “are we good?”

“Yeah, yeah, we’re good.”

Buck doesn’t say anything; he looks at Eddie. “Why did you take it so personally, Eddie?” he ask quietly.

“We’re supposed to be friends,” Eddie mumbled in a low voice.

“And we are. But Hen, Bobby they didn’t react like this. They’re my friends too.”

“Bobby’s your boss.”

”Eddie!”

Eddie leans against the counter. “I guess I’ve still got some hang-ups, I don’t know why you didn’t tell me.”

“It’s my past, Eddie, it’s not my present and not my future.”

“You’ve let me moan about my parents, about trivial shit when I was a kid like - like -”

“Oh my god, Eddie, my childhood was not _that_ tragic!” Buck throws his head back dramatically in frustration. “You’re making it some Lifetime drama! You’re making it a big deal.”

“How do I know? How do I know it wasn’t?”

“I guess you gotta trust me.” Buck looks away. “That’s the thing, isn’t it? You can’t. The lawsuit-“

“We are so passed that! How many times-”

“No, you’re fucking not,” Buck says, his voice sharp. Something drops from the next room suddenly and the two men stare at each other. “Or you would trust me. Not - not interrogate me!”

“Interrogate? God you’re dramatic. I trust you, Buck, I trust no one else like I trust you. Don’t you get it, this isn’t about -“ Eddie’s voice is rising and he looks to the room next to them and at Buck pointedly. “This isn’t about _me_ not trusting you.”

“Sure doesn’t feel like it,” Buck grumbles.

Eddie is so close to him now he can almost hear him breathing. He can smell his cologne; it’s different to Buck’s, warmer somehow. “You idiot,” Eddie says, but it’s more affectionate now, “It’s about _you_ not trusting _me_.”

And Buck does. He trusts Eddie so damn much he can’t even tell him. It’s just since the lawsuit, since the tsunami, he can’t see how Eddie could.

Buck meets Eddie’s eyes.“T-this wasn’t meant to hurt you. It wasn’t like I deliberately kept something.” He is keeping things though, of course he is, but Eddie doesn’t need to know that.

“I can see that,” he says and is it Buck or is his voice lower? “I was worried you didn’t tell me deliberately. I thought you -“

“Have you not figured out I’m an idiot who thought I’d already talked about it?” Buck looks away. “It’s not always fun to talk about. I got lucky. I wasn’t always though and I guess Hen’s right-“

“What do you mean?”

“The Buck 1.0 fucking up, the fact I can’t hold a relationship behind a few months, I’m just - I don’t want to be a screw up.”

“You’re not,” Eddie says fiercely, putting his hands on his shoulders. “Buck, you are most definitely not a screw up.”

“Have you met me?” Buck jokes.

Eddie puts his hand on his cheek, moves Buck’s faces so their eyes are meeting and what the hell is going on? Buck has one hand gripping against the kitchen counter. He meets Eddie’s eyes, full of emotion.

“You mean, have I met the guy my son idolises? Honestly, Buck, you’re going to give me a complex. You saved Christopher from a tsunami and I’m just the guy who asks him to brush his teeth. For an arrogant ass, you’re pretty self-deprecating, y’know?”

“Oral hygiene is important.” Buck doesn’t acknowledge Eddie’s latter point. Eddie’s hand is still on his cheek and all he can do is joke about bad breath? “How have we-“

Eddie retracts his hand and Buck’s grip against the counter loosens just a tiny bit.

“No idea. Speaking of Christopher, he’s probably eaten all of that popcorn by now. That was for all of us.”

"Dad," Christopher calls from the other room as if he were listening to the entire conversation, "we're out of popcorn!"

Buck smirks. "Told you."

Eddie groans. “He’ll end up with a stomach ache or worse.”

Buck laughs, slaps his back and they walk back into the living room. Whatever moment there was is gone now and all Buck can do is take in how confusing, how out of place that conversation ended up.


	2. I Of the Storm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes - Thank you everyone so, so much for the lovely feedback and kudos so far. I am truly blown away by it all and did not expect this at all.  
> The chapter in this title is named after the song I Of the Storm by Of Monsters and Men - like 9-1-1, I don’t own any of it.

Two days. There are two days between shifts and in the past, Buck liked that. Now, in the wake of the lawsuit all he can think is how behind he must be, how he should be out there where he belongs. Before someone can take it away again.

Today that gap feels longer, because on his last shift everyone reacted so much to Buck’s very casual and unintended reveal about his parents. If he’s honest, Buck is nervous about what to do.

It’s been more than 24 hours since his shift, he’s back in work tomorrow. Yesterday, he caught up on sleep and errands, the sort of day that he always wants to put off but that gives him this sense of pride that he is an adult and day by day becoming more of a functioning adult. He of course had rewarded himself with his console that night, but that’s what adulting is all about.

He pours coffee into the machine. When he lived with Maddie, she had bought one of those snazzy bean to cup machines but Buck doesn’t need all that. His coffee machine is fine and besides it’s LA, you can’t move without hitting some coffee shop or restaurant.

Sunlight beams through the large windows of his loft; he loves how light his apartment can feel. The way the sun warms the exposed brick and cold industrial background to feel more welcoming. This is his first apartment; his first proper place of his own - the beach shack in South America decidedly does not count. Ironically, it’s also the least lonely he’s been in years. Buck is sure that this is why the blood thinner saga and the lawsuit hurt so damn much; he’d taken one step forward and suddenly been pushed a thousand steps back.

His phone bleeps. Maddie has been messaging him this morning; they’re meeting up for lunch. Buck checks the time; he should be able squeeze in a quick workout before he needs to get ready.

* * *

Buck regards his sister carefully. She looks different. Buck’s been worried ever since she told him about the stalking incident. It’s one of those situations that makes absolutely no sense and complete sense all at once. Maddie seems better though; almost lighter. At first he thought maybe she’d done something to her hair but it’s her. Her smile meets her eyes.

God, he missed her when she stopped contact. At first he wondered if he’d done something, if the late replies to messages and timezone differences had upset her because he’d been travelling when she first ceased replying to any message. Maybe he hadn’t put the effort in. If he had known - if he had listened to his gut, to all the internal red flags and alarms that were blaring instead of that stupid idiot of a guidance counsellor he’d be sent to who suggested he was projecting his own worries about being left behind on the situation. Which, hey, maybe he was but it didn’t mean Doug was a good guy.

“What?” she asks, looking at Buck nervously, “is there something on my face?”

“You seem… happier.” Buck lazily picks up a fry and eats it, ignoring his sister’s scowl. Fries are not designed for cutlery.

“I am, I think.” Maddie bites her lip. “Therapy is actually helping, to my complete surprise. I’ve realised there was so much with Doug I hadn’t dealt with.”

“I hate him. If I had known-”

“I didn’t want you to, I didn’t tell you.” Maddie sighs and takes a forkful of her pasta dish. Her food looks good, but Buck can’t help but think Bobby’s looks better.

“I knew he wasn’t good for you,” Buck says, “Mom and Dad too, we let you down.”

“None of you let me down. I remember being quite insistent on my right to be with Doug. I thought I was in love- I was in love. Of course I wish things had been different, that I’d seen the signs and the flags but - I’m stronger, stronger because of it. I know recently I haven’t quite been myself, with the whole…”

“It was a little out of character,” Buck concedes.

“I know, but I think that needed to happen too. It got me out of denial.”

“You’re pretty amazing, Mads, you know that right?”

“Shut up!”

Maddie is so strong, she always has been. Buck remembers the days when it was just the two of them; he’s not always entirely sure if it’s his actual memory or merely something Maddie told him but it feels like it was real anyway. Maddie always looked after him and he knows that was the truth; she would make sure they ate something even when the gas was turned off, or the power, or the water.

However, sometimes Buck can see a small divide between himself and Maddie. She had to grow up so much quicker because of Buck. Buck remembers that because she aged out long before him, she had looked into Buck living with her, of trying to get custody, but he had said no - the social worker hadn’t been keen on that idea either.

Maddie’s tried to talk about it with Buck over the years and sometimes Buck wonders if maybe, just maybe, she feels like he does. Like perhaps they think they let each other down.

It’s ridiculous, especially Buck was finally placed with Gabe and Nina, who became _their_ parents where it really counted. Maddie did the right thing, plus Buck had genuinely wanted her to go to college, go and have a life, live in dorms and see it all. He didn’t want to be left behind though either, he

He hated feeling like an albatross around her neck, a constant demand that never gave back.

Gabe and Nina loved Maddie, they’d insisted that even though the placement was only for Buck and Maddie was an adult that they wanted her to feel welcome. They took her to college after breaks, all four of them in the car with all of Maddie’s accumulated stuff. Luckily she packed light, they both did.

But then she’d met Doug and that was that. Doug had disliked Buck and the feeling was mutual.. He just wishes she hadn’t had to meet Doug.Maddie is an incredible person. Every day, Buck can’t help but be wowed by his sister and the strength, resilience and kindness she has. She’s a goddamn inspiration.

“Chim told me about yesterday.” Maddie bites her lip nervously, fidgeting in her chair.

”They were just - it was all an overreaction.”

“I thought they knew!” Maddie exclaims.

“Me too!” Buck exclaims, raising his hands, “Thank you, sis.”

“So, did you not tell them for a reason?” Maddie asks, her brown eyes meeting her brother’s gaze. There’s no judgement, it’s just a question. One Buck himself has been asking ever since that shift.

“No, I just - I don’t know. It didn’t come up and did Chim tell you how they reacted? Did he?”

Maddie nods. “Oh yeah.”

“Bobby kept the whole kid gloves thing for the rest of the shift. As for Eddie? Eddie acted like I’d filed another lawsuit.”

“Well at least we’re finally at the joke about the lawsuit phase because I was getting a little worried you were stuck in your ‘I feel guilty’ phase, which-“

“Eddie took it really badly, Mads,” Buck interrupts.

“Why?”

Buck doesn’t want to go into too much detail about his and Eddie’s conversation last night; he definitely doesn’t want to tell his sister he thinks there was almost a moment and he’s not sure what that means.

He’s been thinking about it and all he can think is that with Ali and him breaking up and Buck’s sole focus on getting back to work, it’s been a while since _that._ It must have been a reflex; Eddie’s his best friend.

He’s also a man, a straight man. In fact, both of them are straight so this is clearly just a glitch in the matrix - not even a glitch, it’s a nothing. A stress response to an intense day; Eddie touched his face because he’s a tactile person who wanted Buck to really take the message in about trust. They were standing close together and everyone knows Buck used to call himself a sex addict. No wonder he felt a little confused.

Oh god, did Eddie pick it up? And what would he be thinking if he did? They were fine though, the rest of the evening was fine.

“Buck, are you still with me?” Maddie asks, bringing Buck back into the room.

“Huh, yeah, course.” Just having a minor crisis about something he’s reading far, far too much into. Buck 1.0’s advice, heck Buck’s general advice if this was someone else was this person needs to get laid.

Maybe he should reactivate one of those dating apps.

He hasn’t answered Maddie’s question and Maddie looks worried. Of course she does, it wasn’t long ago Eddie looked like he’d punch Buck in a grocery store in broad daylight. Chim had told Maddie and they were just talking about Doug and oh God -

“He thought I didn’t trust him,” Buck says, “He seemed really upset about it.”

“If I’m honest, Buck,” she says gently, “Out of everyone, I thought he would have known. You tell each other everything.”

“We used to, before the lawsuit, it’s been different since then.”

“I think that maybe you would have told him before the lawsuit. Don’t use that as an excuse.”

“Oh c’mon, I thought everyone knew, but Maddie, c’mon it’s not a big deal.”

“You and I both know that. However, you have to admit that keeping from the team, as unintentional as that was, it makes it look like you were hiding something. Chim wanted to talk about it last night, he was worried I’d kept something back or you had - a different experience.”

“I wasn’t hiding anything.”

“Hey, don’t shoot the messenger,” Maddie says, raising her hands. “Can I steal a fry?”

Buck pushes the plate towards her, smiling.

If Buck is honest, he doesn’t remember much of his early childhood. It’s like a damaged recording; there are gaps, fuzzy moments. Some of his memories have no sound, for example, as though they were recorded on mute.

He knows enough, he’s self aware and Maddie’s always remembered for both of them. Of course, there are the times they were separated before Maddie aged out, but those were shorter and - no, he doesn’t need to go there. Not today, not right now.

His phone suddenly bleeps; a welcome reprieve. It’s Eddie.

> **Eddie** : Hey, Christopher wanted me to send you his latest drawing.

Buck immediately opens the attachment with a smile and is welcomed with a bright, cheerful drawing of a firetruck and four figures he can identify are meant to resemble Christopher, Eddie and himself. The fourth figure is a character from the film they’d watched a few nights before.

It’s sweet and Buck can’t help but be touched that Eddie sent it to him. That Christopher wanted him to. He’s not sure how they’ve become such a key part of his life, his family, but he doesn’t want to lose it.

> **Buck** : thanks. love it.kids got a good eye.

“What are you smiling at?” Maddie asks as Buck looks up from his phone.

“Uh, nothing just a picture Eddie sent me that Christopher drew.” He pulls up the image on his phone and Maddie smiles, her whole face softening.

“He’s getting pretty good, right?” Buck says, “I, for one, think this is a definitely passable rendition of me.”

Maddie laughs. “Yeah, I guess. So Eddie sends you-”

“Chris wanted him to.”

“Makes sense,” she says but doesn’t elaborate anymore. “We’re getting dessert right?”

“Well, I did go to the gym earlier.”

“Perfect.”

* * *

When Buck walks back into the firehouse less than 24 hours after his lunch with Maddie, he feels calmer.

He ended up spending a lot of the night thinking. Thinking and then intermittently texting with Eddie because that seemed to be opening a whole other subject he didn’t even know how to explore yet. It’s not that they don’t text, it’s not that at all. It’s just after that night, that moment, everything feels sharper and he can’t help but feel hyper alert.

All Buck has been able to conclude so far is that he was right yesterday; it’s clearly just an automatic reaction to a lack of sex and the fact Eddie was there. Proximity. Nothing more, nothing less. No need for a crisis here.

Maddie’s words kept reverberating in his mind. Why hadn’t he told anyone about his childhood? Why hadn’t he told Eddie? Perhaps he was more self-conscious than he had thought. Perhaps it was the whole Buck 1.0 legacy he couldn’t quite shake.

The station is buzzing with the change of shift and Buck makes his way immediately to the locker room to change into his uniform.

He loves his job, he loves the start of a shift. It’s rife with possibility and he can’t help but feel optimistic. It’s his favourite time of the day.

—

Three hours later and the possibility and optimism is slowly fading.

It’s been one of _those_ calls. The type that burns through your retinas. The type that you can’t so easily shake off.

All Buck can do now is look at Eddie as Bobby drives them home. Usually there’s some chatter, something, but not today. They know they did their jobs, saved everyone. It was close though. Too close for comfort.

Eddie’s face is stained with dirt, sweat cutting through and showing almost ashen skin.

Eddie could have _died_. Buck wants to say something; to yell that he’s meant to the impulsive one. Eddie is meant to be the sensible one holding him back, not reckless wading into trouble.

Eddie has a child. A _child_. What would happen to Christopher if something happened to Eddie? Buck cannot bear the thought of Christopher alone, or worse thrown into the same system that had every intention of chewing Buck up and spitting him out.

He knows why he reacted like he did; he felt the same. The kid was about Christopher’s age.

He wants to say something but he turns and looks at Eddie. His eyes are wide, breath slightly ragged. Fear. He recognises it; it’s that moment where all of the adrenaline fades and the horror and reality begins to set in. He can also see how Eddie is calmly trying to conceal it, the pronounced deep breathing, the occasional slight swallow or squirm.

“You good?” he asks quietly.

“Yeah,” Eddie says monotonously. Buck doesn’t think about it too much, he leans in slightly to Eddie, lets their knees meet.

It’s subtle, but it’s simple. Sometimes a little contact can be just what you need to stop a full on anxiety spiral.

Eddie squeezes Buck’s hand which is resting casually on Buck’s knee. It’s so brief, Buck wonders if he’s dreaming it but when he takes a second he realises Eddie’s hand is still there, lingering on his. It’s an unexpected warmth. Buck’s not sure Eddie is even conscious of it. He’s not even sure why he is.

The truck pulls to a stop inside the station.

“C’mon, let’s go,” Eddie says quietly as everyone else climbs out of the truck.

Buck follows Eddie and doesn’t say a word about Eddie’s hand on his just moments before. What else is he meant to do?


	3. Lower Your Eyelids to Die with the Sun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the kudos and comments - I cannot say how much each one means to me and never expect so many to read or subscribe to this fic!
> 
> The chapter title is from Lower Your Eyelids to Die with the Sun by M83. I don't own that and I don't 9-1-1 or anything associated wiht it.
> 
> All I can say with this chapter is…. Wait for it?

Eddie and Hen are battling it out on the pinball machine. Buck’s waiting to play the winner, which will be Hen. That’s just obvious.

It’s been over a week since that call and that weird, fleeting moment with Eddie. Things are normal again. Or as normal as Buck’s life ever is.

He’s sitting on the nearest table to the machine, pawing at the leftover salad from lunch and browsing his phone. Chim is sitting opposite him, reading the paper quietly.

“You’re coming to the bar, right?” Chim asks Buck, suddenly. Maddie has won the Dispatcher of the Month award and after how difficult things have been for her recently, Chim wants the occasion marked. He’s invited all of the gang out to Maddie and his favourite bar for karaoke and drinks tomorrow night.

“Am I going to a celebration for _my_ sister? Obviously! I might even bring out my Eye of Tiger performance, which, prepare yourselves is quite impressive.”

“Sure it is, Buck,” Chim laughs to himself as he walks away.

The game between Eddie and Hen seems to be drawing to a close. Eddie is groaning in frustration and Hen laughs in response.

Buck opens his facebook account. It feels simultaneously a lifetime ago and yesterday that everyone was posting photos of themselves drunk and falling out of clubs and now it’s all babies, engagements and even worse than that - posts about their jobs.

He scrolls through his feed absent-mindedly. An update catches his eye; Nate Wood’s updated his profile picture to an image of him, his wife Hannah, and their baby. He likes the image automatically.

Nate has come a long way from the home they both spent time in, the one before his parents. Buck isn’t in touch with the seemingly endless parade of foster kids he was placed with over the years - _he has Maddie_ \- but Nate proves to be an exception to that rule. They’re not like siblings, or even best friends but he’s still there.

He lives in Seattle now and Buck hasn’t seen him in far too long. Their friendship now works at a distance; social media, calls, emails.

It strikes Buck that maybe that’s how it goes sometimes.

It also strikes Buck that it might be because he slept with Nate’s sister-in-law at Nate’s wedding. Nate and Hannah got over that though, he thinks. Hannah’s nice and good for Nate; she’s calm and crazy smart. Nate seems happy and settled in a way that Buck can only dream of. He has become a well organised, married by 25 type who probably has a shared Google calendar for his family and a Dad of the Year mug. It’s a long way away from how he was when Buck first knew him. He thinks Nate filled whatever was missing with the pursuit of normality. Buck wonders now that’s maybe what Maddie was trying to do at 19 when she fell for Doug. 

Buck’s path has deviated from that though. He does want what he sees on Facebook; family and belonging and security. _Connection_. Only his path seemed to divert off that track into a montage of meaningless sex and distractions and adrenaline a while back. The women he used to go for, they never seemed to want to want anything more and Buck, Buck was okay with that. He thought he was okay with that anyway.

He was good at sex, he enjoyed sex. Everything was good. Until he was fired from the 118 and things most definitely were not good.

Then Abby came in.

Then Abby _left_.

Ali came onto the scene afterwards and Buck liked dating her. She just wasn’t right for him; couldn’t quite deal with the reality of who he was. Firefighting is who he is, it’s in his veins and it’s embedded in his soul now.

Now Buck’s in the present; loneliness is creeping in again and he is paralysed with fear at just the idea of trying to pursue something. He’s 28, everyone his age is meeting other people on apps or in bars and - it’s not that Buck can’t do that. It’s that he’s _too_ good at it.

What if Buck 1.0 comes back again? He wants to be better. He wants to. He wants to be someone his parents, his sister, his friends can be proud to know.

 _You don’t find love, you make i_ t. Those words haunt him. What if he doesn’t know how to?

No wonder he’s having a full on crisis about every time Eddie makes any physical contact with him. Buck is a walking disaster.

“Hey Buck,” Hen says cheerfully as Eddie walks over to where Buck is sitting, “you're up.”

“You definitely cheated,” Eddie mumbles, winking at Buck as the two of them swap places. He pauses. “Are you okay, Buck?”

“Yeah, yeah. I’m good. Why?”

“You look… worried.”

“Nah, just thinking.”

”Huh, so that’s what it looks like,” Chim jokes.

His phone bleeps; he has a message from Nate.

* * *

Chim and Maddie are singing karaoke.

A few years ago, Buck would never have thought this would be how he spends a night out - let alone a Saturday night. If this was a Saturday night before, back in the days of Buck 1.0, it would have been a prelude to something else. A prologue to debauchery and those empty, meaningless connections that never lasted but he clearly is missing in some way.

This is different though. He’s found something.

Friends.

Even if one of them is dating his sister. Ick.

After the lawsuit, he thought he might not get back to this. But damn it, this is what he fought so hard for.

Maddie looks happy, singing with Chim and surrounded by their friends. Bobby and Athena have already made their exits and Hen and Karen are starting to make moves too. Josh mentioned a party he’s been invited to and slowly the group is breaking up.

Buck can’t help but note, it all started around the time he broke out _Eye of the Tiger_ and he wonders if maybe they were just intimidated because he was pretty damn epic. He wouldn’t have wanted to follow that up.

The one arm pull-ups always got a crowd going.

There are just the four of them left though. Eddie’s nursing his beer, hand loosely around the bottle.

“Your sister can kind of sing. Her and Chim are a good match, huh?” His sister and Chim are currently singing You’re the One I Want. Yes, the song from Grease. His big sister. His colleague.

It’s bizarre and weird and yet somehow it makes complete sense.

“I’m trying to block it out,” Buck jokes as his sister starts singing about how she needs a man. He looks at Eddie checking his phone for what seems like the hundredth time. “Christopher is fine, he’s at a sleepover, kid’ll be having a ball.”

“I know,” Eddie says, taking a gulp of beer.

“He’ll be eating all of the junk food and - maybe you should try and relax. Take advantage of just being you for the night.”

“I am not singing.”

“Thank fuck for that,” Buck laughs. He has this image of a tipsy Eddie singing something ridiculous, maybe country bringing out that Texas drawl. No, the image is too much.

“Alright, alright, I’d like to see you do any better.”

“This place couldn’t handle me,” he says, “‘sides karaoke is not my thing.”

“Mine either. I might bounce.”

Buck pouts. “It’s ten thirty, Eddie, it’s early.”

“Ten thirty is not that early, Buck. It’s past nine!”

“I used to not even leave the house until ten thirty,” Buck says miserably, “Am I boring now?”

“The most boring,” Eddie replies affectionately. “But I think I have you beat. This is the most social I’ve been in months.”

“That’s…”

“Depressing? Tell me about it. My son has a more active social life than me.” Eddie shakes his head. Maybe Buck should help Eddie. Set him up, or be his wingman. Maybe that’s what a real friend would do.

“Hey, I meant to ask, are you okay? You were weird on shift yesterday,” Eddie asks suddenly.

“Uh, thanks?”

“I mean, you were quiet and staring at your phone? Something up?”

“No, was just thinking a lot.” Buck looks at Eddie and shakes his head. “Why is there always the look of surprise? Anyway, I uh, saw an update on Facebook for a friend, Nate. Been friends with him since I was a kid. He’s got this really cute baby now and then he messaged me wanting to catch up ‘cause he’s in LA next week for an interview and - it just got me thinking. Like where am I now?”

“Yeah?” Eddie asks, encouraging Buck to continue. He looks a little confused.

“I haven’t dated since Ali.”

“Well, you did have a pulmonary embolism, Buck.”

“My dick still works.”

Is it his information or did Eddie just blush? “Too much information there, Buck. Look if you want to date someone, you should,” Eddie says softly, “you should put yourself out there. What’s the problem? You got something to offer; I think some of the women were very taken with those push-ups.”

“They always work, Eddie. You don’t call it pulling out the big guns for nothing. It’s just you didn’t meet Buck 1.0,” Buck says as casually as he can but a darkness in his tone betraying him.

“Nah, but I know you,Buck.”

“Eddie, how much beer have _you_ drank? You are in danger of giving sage, good advice.”

“Sage?”

“I watched some British drama before I left tonight.” Buck places his bottle on the coffee table. “Hidden depths,” he says, tapping the side of his head.

“Clearly. I should go-”

“No, I cannot let you go home and sit on your own on a Saturday night, Eddie,” Buck says, almost too enthusiastically.

“I dunno, I don’t think this is my scene.”

“It’s a change from pizza, beer and video games.”

“Maybe I like that.”

“Then come back to mine,” Buck says, leaning sloppily against his seat. “I seem to remember I have a title to uphold on that game and I’m not going to top Eye of the Tiger. I went too big too soon.”

Eddie smiles, that arrogant smirk full of bravado that he seems to reserve for this sort of situation. “I don’t think it’s quite the victory lap you think it is.”

“I won last time we played, I have a title to defend,” he says adamantly.

“So, exactly how many beers have _you_ drunk?”

“I hate you.” Buck finishes his beer. “I actually hate you, Edmundo.”

“Yeah, yeah, save your trash talk for when I am destroying you with my high score.”

* * *

It’s almost too familiar now. Too normal. Three games, one extra beer each and an

Buck places the beer bottles in the recycling and leans against his counter for a moment.

“D’you think they’re still going at the bar?”

“No, I don’t think so. I think they’ll have run out of duets surely, or voice, run out of that.”

Buck makes a face in disbelief and Eddie laughs.

Eddie has a good laugh; warming somehow. Buck never hears it enough.

“Thanks, for uh-not letting me spend the night -“

“Wallowing alone in your apartment? Listening to All By Myself and breaking out your own private karaoke?”

“Bridget Jones, really?”

“A date wanted to see it once. You gotta keep up with the rom coms. Anyway, how’d you know it?”

“I was married.”

Eddie stands up and joined Buck by the kitchen, resting against the wall in the same place Buck remembers them talking about Eddie’s fighting, about the lawsuit.

That night was the first time he felt he was getting Eddie back since the law suit.

“You need a hand?” Eddie asks.

“I think even I can put some bottles in the recycling on my own.”

“Touché.” Eddie is leaning, his palms against the window sill. “Do you think I need to put myself out there?”

Buck walks over to Eddie. “You are the one who said your nine year old son has a more active social life than you. Look, if you think you’re ready, surely you’re ready?”

“Do you?”

“Touché.”

“It just seems like a lot of effort,” Eddie admits sheepishly.

“Don’t give me that single dad crap, women eat that shit up. You’re sensible, you’re not gonna expose Christopher to someone too early and-” Buck shrugs.

“I was just in an illegal fighting ring, Bobby made me go to a therapist.”

“And you had your sessions with Frank and you haven’t punched anyone for a while. Right?”

Eddie tilts his head like he’s thinking about it; the sarcastic idiot.

Buck shakes his head.

“I think I’m in a good place,” Eddie says softly, “why change that?” That Buck understands. He can feel that sentiment in his bones. “This is heavy for a Saturday night,” Eddie says.

“Well, if I’d just been destroyed like you were, I would feel pretty depressed too. Introspective even.”

“In your dreams, Buck, the controller stuck or I would have won. You fixed it by giving me the shitty controller.”

“They say a bad loser blames his tools,” Buck replies in a sing-song voice.

Eddie chuckles. “Is that what they say?”

”Yeah, that’s what they say.”

They are both chuckling; it’s not a full, hearty laugh, but it’s amusement and Buck isn’t evens are what’s so amusing but Eddie is suddenly so close. Somehow Buck has been moving closer together almost subconsciously and he can’t feel the haze of beer anymore. There’s something else. A heaviness in the air that he can’t quite explain.

He meets Eddie’s lips. Gently. Tentatively.

For a moment nothing happens and it’s as though time stops with the horror of Buck’s self-destruction. He’s lost his mind, he must have actually lost his mind. Damn prox- _fucking_ -imity. What has he done?

He feels Eddie respond, feels him deepen the kiss. Relief spreads through his body like a flush.

They’re kissing.

Holy hell, Buck thinks, they’re _kissing_. He’s never kissed a man before; never felt stubble against his face or how different and similar it can be all at once. He is kissing Eddie Diaz, he is kissing his best friend. He isn’t panicking. Should he be panicking? Should it be this good?

Eddie and him are grappling for some sort of dominance, almost out of habit. It’s not bad. It’s definitely not bad. Buck might have started something that intended to be more chaste but right now Eddie does not seem to have received the memo on that.

Somehow Buck is the one against the wall now and his arms are on Eddie and his eyes are shut, he’s reaching for Eddie, the edge of his shirt, he needs to be closer, closer, _closer._

He can feel Eddie’s stubble rubbing against his face, one hand is now against the wall and the other is on his shoulder.

There are teeth and tongue and tantalising reassurances of ‘this wasn’t in your head, this is happening’.

Buck’s hands are on the hem of Eddie’s shirt, teasingly close to his belt buckle. He can feel the edge of Eddie’s jeans, thinks about the skin beneath his shirt, beneath his jeans.

He can hardly breathe and he doesn’t even care.

The kiss is something. It shouldn’t be, but it is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, what did you think? I'd love to hear your comments and feedback. Where do you think it will go from here?


	4. All We Ever Knew

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the lovely comments in the last chapter! All I can say now is... brace yourselves, and maybe sorry?   
> The chapter title is from the song All We Ever Knew by the Head and the Heart. I don't own this or 9-1-1 as ever.

It’s funny how life can sober you up within seconds. One moment, Buck and Eddie were just talking and then- and then -

And then they weren’t.

And now the two of them are standing a metre about as though they’ve been shocked.

“I’m not gay,” Eddie says. It strikes Buck as an immediate and almost involuntary reflex. Eddie kissed Buck so now he needs to confirm he’s not gay almost the moment their lips have separated.

“Neither am I.” Apparently so does Buck. He self-consciously pulls his shirt down, adjusts his clothing. Both of their breathing is still ragged; Eddie’s cheeks rosy and Buck can’t help but feel a small sense of pride that he caused that.

“You kissed me, Buck.” It’s how Eddie says it, not what he says. He says it as though Buck had secretly murdered Eddie’s entire family and then sent him photos of the crime scene just to taunt him. Buck really needs to stop watching true crime documentaries.

“You kissed me back! You- you’re the one who put their fucking tongue in my mouth.” Admittedly it’s a terrible response, crude and defensive, but this? This is clearly a terrible situation.

“Oh, that’s super mature. Nice, Buck! Real nice.”

“We need to calm down and - work this out.”

“I don’t think so, Buck.”

Buck’s stomach is in knots upon knots upon knots. Everything is ruined. They say you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone; they’re right.

Stupid Buck 1.0.

He just had to ruin everything.

There comes a point when you need to have some sense of self-preservation. Buck knows this. Over the years, he perhaps hasn’t had quite so clear a sense of where that point is. When you’re used to packing everything you own into a bin bag and moving from ~~home~~ house to house at a moment’s notice it’s hard to maintain a clear and coherent baseline of self-respect. Particularly when you were the reason you kept getting moved, when it was all too often your fault.

Buck can’t do this; he can’t pretend it didn’t happen and he can’t stay and watch the almost family he had built for himself implode around him.

There is silence for too long. Eddie is tapping something into his phone and Buck doesn’t even know what to say, or think, or do. So he sits there until he finds some words.

“I should go,” Buck says finally. It’s his fault after all; he caused this. He kissed Eddie first, even if Eddie was the one who- even if.

“Buck it’s your apartment.” Is that regret in Eddie’s voice? “It’s late, what are you saying? Let’s stay calm, like you said, let’s take a minute...”

“Yeah, just lock up when you go,” he says aiming for breezy, but even to Buck his tone is almost frantic. “I have to get groceries.” Oh God, this is the Happy Cat laxative all over again. Why is his brain not connected to his voice? 

“Groceries, what are you talking about? Buck, you realise - we need to - are you-“

“I need groceries… food and things and… toilet paper. I need toilet paper. Definitely.” Kill. Him. Now. Crush him with a truck, put him back in a tsunami. Anything would be better than this.

This is worse than the stupid cat laxative; he’s talking about toilet paper. _Toilet paper._

“Buck, this is ridiculous. You are not leaving your damn apartment to get toilet paper right now.” _Eddie_ is going to leave the apartment first _._ It’s unsaid. He doesn’t even need to say it. “We should - I -”

“We should what?”

“I can’t do this right now,” Eddie says and that just makes Buck angry.

“Well, it’s not exactly a convenient time for me either.”

“Buck, you’re not hearing me, I can’t do _this_ now.

Eddie must have been really good in the fight club. The man can really deliver a sucker punch when he wants to.

Eddie’s continued talking but as Buck reels from his words he hears Eddie say, ”I’ve ordered an Uber, okay? I’ve got to go, I’ve gotta go.”

Eddie just walks out.

What the fuck has Buck done?

* * *

Buck doesn’t know what to do or where to go. He’s barely slept and to make matters worse, now his damn leg is cramping.

Is he gay? Was this something that was always inside him, or is just Eddie? It was one kiss.

He likes women though; he definitely still likes women. He can’t deny that he felt something when he kissed Eddie though. Would he want to kiss him again? Do more than kiss him? What would that even -

His head is drowning with every thought surging through him. It might be the first time he’s truly glad he isn’t on shift because he doesn’t know he would do a shift; let alone face Eddie.

It’s been hours. He’s stared at his ceiling; he’s made and left cups of coffee.

He doesn’t know what to do.

Logically, he knows he could talk to Maddie. She is his sister. What if she tells Chim though? He doesn’t even know what it means and the idea of people knowing and talking about something that he can’t even articulate to himself terrifies him.

Maddie is his sister; surely her loyalty to that trumps everything else though. Who else does he have to talk to anyway? Carla, who looks after Christopher and - no, what if Eddie’s angry, what if he decides that’s their friendship over? He might never see Christopher again except for special occasions at the firehouse and -

He’s spiralling.

He can't stop staring at the wall where it happened.

He gingerly makes his way over to the sofa he left his phone on. He picks up the phone and dials a familiar number almost without thinking. “Maddie?”

“Buck? I’m at work, is everything okay?”

‘’Yeah, when do you finish? Sorry -y'know what I'll call later.”

“Um, at four. Why? Buck you sound terrible? Are you hungover because-“

“I wish,” he mutters darkly. “Do you want to get coffee after work? I could do with a catch up.” This is a face to face conversation; he needs to see Maddie's face because he needs to understnd just how screwed he is.

“We saw each other yesterday. Evan, what’s wrong?” She first-named him, a sure fire sign she knows something is wrong.

“Nothing, I just - I just wanted to talk to you.”

“Let’s get coffee then. Five o’ clock at the usual place?”

“Yeah,” Buck says, nodding even though it’s a phone call, “I’ll be there.”

Maddie will help him figure this out.

* * *

They meet at a coffee shop a couple of blocks away from Maddie’s apartment. It’s one of those newer coffee places that seems to have popped up overnight. The interior is exposed brick and reclaimed wood and an abundance of small green plants.

The coffee is good and they also make decent smoothies.

Buck is part way through watching his Americano with oat milk get colder and colder when Maddie walks in.

She joins Buck and smiles. “Traffic was awful, sorry I’m a few minutes late.”

“It’s nothing,” Buck says, pushing Maddie’s latte towards her.

“Thanks, Buck. What a day!” Maddie says.

For a moments they talk about her shift, about work and the calls that can range from comic to bizarre to just plain creepy. Maddie’s career also felt so separate to Buck and his own ambitions, yes they both were about helping people but ever since she became a dispatcher, he felt closer and more connected than before.

It was so good to have his sister back in his life.

“So, what’s going on Buck?” Maddie asks carefully, twirling a wooden coffee stirrer between her fingers. “You didn’t sound good this morning and you look wrecked.”

“You used to say stuff that I had a crush on Eddie. What did you mean?”

“It was just a joke, Buck,” Maddie says before frowning, “Why?”

“Did you think I had a crush on him though?”

“I think he impressed you.”

“But you knew I was straight?”

“To the best of my knowledge, Buck. What on earth is going on?”

Buck takes a gulp of his coffee before he answers. “I kissed Eddie,” he whispers. It becomes more real when it’s spoken, up until that point, Buck was seriously hoping it was just a feverish hallucination, a dream even. It was real though and just saying those words brings every second, every touch, every taste of that kiss back into his mind at a million miles an hour.

It is flooring him.

There is a moment of silence. It hasn’t crossed Buck’s mind that Maddie could react badly until at this very second.

“Wow,” Maddie says. “Wow, I didn’t expect that but - I’m not that surprised.”

“I sure was. Eddie definitely was.”

“Have you talked? Did Eddie say anything? What’s happening with you guys now?”

“No, he kissed me too, Maddie. He did. After he freaked out and I freaked out and it was awful. He got an Uber and left; we haven’t spoken since. I have no idea what is going on his head, but I’m having some sort of full on crisis. What does this mean, Mads?”

“Let’s take this one step at a time.” Maddie is endlessly patient; Buck can see why she does so well as a dispatcher, why she was such a great nurse, why she is such a good sister to him.

However he can’t break this down into simple steps and a path from A to B. It defies logic and reason and is messy and unpredictable.

“I kissed him,” he repeats in a low hiss, maybe Maddie hasn’t quite taken it in. Buck definitely hasn’t.

“You said he kissed you back though.”

“Maybe it was just muscle memory. I mean, God, we were talking about - Maddie, what have I done?” He spent part of last night talking to Eddie about putting himself out there, about whether Eddie was ready to date too and then he just kissed him. What if Eddie thinks those conversation were a play and - he’s doomed.

“It sounds fairly mutual to me. Look, it was _just_ a kiss, right?” Maddie looks a little unsure and Buck quickly realises she’s asking if maybe something more happened.

“No! It was a kiss. I’m straight, Maddie.” Buck looks at his sister’s sceptical face. “I _am,_ I think. I’ve never done something like this before. I’m worried this might be a Buck 1.0 thing.” 

This is the crux of his worry; that somehow the lesser version of him has reared its head. No one liked Buck 1.0, not really.

Maddie shakes her head. “Buck, would you stop with the versions of yourself?“ Her tone is casual but there’s a hint of sharpness.

“What do you mean?”

“Look, you engaged in some stupid, reckless behaviour. You definitely had some… encounters that were ill advised, but Buck you didn’t hurt anyone. You’re young and - I don’t think you should demonise your past behaviour like that. You’ve been my brother for all your versions. Buck, we came through the system, we defied expectations, you’ve done well. You have a great job; you’re a hero who saves people. Did you develop some unhealthy coping mechanisms on the way? Yes - and frankly with everything that happened, you being a bit of a wannabe Lothario really isn’t that bad. You’re aware of it all too. I mean, if we’re talking Buck 1.0; did you used to live like a total slob? Absolutely. Does this matter at all? No,”

“Maddie,” he says, with a slight smile forcing its way through, “you’re a pretty great sister, you know?”

“And as for what it all means, Buck why do you have be gay or straight? You could be bi or uh, pan, or you might not be any of those things, you just… it’s easy for me to say not to panic about labelling yourself straight away, but Buck- I don’t think you should be panicking right now.”

“He’s my best friend, Maddie. I kissed him.”

“So whatever happens, you should be able to get through it.” Maddie sighs. “Buck do you like him?”

“I literally just said he’s my best friend, Mads.”

“You know what I mean!”

“It makes no sense, y’know, because it’s not we’re in college or that cliche, or any of that shit.”

“Did you make out with guys in college?”

“What? No, that’s not the point, Maddie. I’m a grown up, I should know who I am.”

“Michael didn’t come out for years, Buck.”

“But he knew. I don’t know what the hell any of this means. It’s why I called you.” Buck swallows. This is the million dollar question after all. “Maddie, it happened like out of nowhere and I’ve been trying to figure it all out ever since.” His voice sounds tight, like he’s on the edge on tears but Buck has no idea where that has come from. “I don’t know what to do.”

“Then just take a moment, Buck.”

“Maybe I should have thought of that last night. Maddie- we really - it wasn’t - neither of us said great things afterwards.”

“I’m sure it wasn’t that bad.”

“We both said we weren’t gay, he said I kissed him in a very accusing way so I might have pointed out he was the one who stuck his tongue down my throat and -“

“Buck, I love you, but I didn’t need to know that.”

“It wasn’t a great conversation.”

Maddie smirks at Buck and just as he takes a sip of his coffee asks, “Was the kiss at least good?”

“Maddie!” He’s lucky he didn’t just choke on his drink. One emergency tracheotomy is enough, thank you very much. “You really don’t seem to be focusing on the important things here.”

“It could have been worse,” Maddie says gently, taking a delicate sip of her coffee, “you could have talked about cat laxatives again.”

Buck groans. “Chim told you about that?”

“He said you really committed, that it was quite impressive.”

“Last night may have been worse,” Buck admits sheepishly, running a hand through his hair. “I freaked out a bit.”

“What’s worse than talking about cat laxative?” Maddie asks, a growing look of horror on her face.

“Toilet paper.”

“Oh, Buck.” There is no helping him now.

“Yeah, I said I needed to leave my apartment at 3am to buy toilet paper, okay? Look, you can’t tell Chim, you can’t tell anyone,” Buck says desperately. “Maddie, you can’t. Not until I’ve figured this out. I work with Eddie, you’ve-”

“I would never do that to you. Buck, whatever this is or isn’t, it’s no one else’s business.”

His sister puts a hand on his. He can almost feel the calmness pulsating through and trying to temper his worry, his thoughts going through his mind at the speed of light.

* * *

Maddie’s words stay with him when he returns home. Maybe it isn’t as simple as gay and straight. He’s young, he knows the spectrum is far wider than two simple binaries. He’s been approaching this all wrong.

Buck isn’t a genius but he’s good at research. When he was a kid and needed to mark a sharp exit from whatever home he was in then he’d sneak off to the library and either read or look up things online.

He opens his search engine and starts searching; asking Google questions like ‘am I pansexual’ as if hoping for it to transform into a Magic 8 ball and give him an answer.

“Dear Internet, am I gay, pan or a straight idiot making things weird with my best friend because I am that self-destructive?” Buck mumbles to himself.

The internet doesn’t have an answer for that; he shouldn’t have used speech marks.

Buck knows himself enough to know he isn’t gay; he enjoys being with women, which leaves options of being bisexual or pansexual perhaps… or that he was tipsy and confused. Friendship can be intense and as he keeps reminding himself; proximity.

He thinks about the kiss.

It might be more than simple proximity because he felt something when he kissed Eddie; he wanted Eddie to kiss him back.

He’s due back on shift tomorrow. He has to see Eddie then and whether he likes it or not, Buck will have to face the consequences of last night.

Eddie hasn’t texted him or tried to talk to him all day; not even just a casual check-in text to let him know he got back safely.

He really hopes he hasn’t lost his best friend. Again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did you think? What do you think will happen next?   
> Also, I honestly wrote the toilet paper joke before everyone started panic buying toilet paper like there was no tomorrow - clearly I had premonitions of where the world was going.


	5. Storms

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always I am so pleased and grateful for all the comments and kudos I have received so far. It means a lot to me! I've revised the summary of this fic to fit a little better and reflect the longer plot at play.  
> Please note this fic is compliant with 3A and I'm considering ways to incorporate elements of 3b in overall, but the fic is already being written and on its own separate journey.
> 
> The chapter title comes from the song Storms by Fleetwood Mac which I don't own and I don't, as ever, own 9-1-1 or anything associated with it.

Buck isn’t usually nervous going into work. Even after the lawsuit, he naively walked into the station thinking everything would be normal.

Perhaps the last time he felt like this was the Rage Room, where he had no idea what Bobby wanted. He had no clue if his life would ever go back to normal.

That’s how he feels now.

He spent hours researching, thinking and analysing. His sexuality had always been clear; he was straight, he liked women. End of story. Perhaps if there had been clearer hints like some really close friendship in high school, or something like that it would have helped.

Of course, in high school he was the awkward fucked up foster kid who was tolerated because they were good at sports. Girls liked him because they thought he would fit their version of a bad boy, but Buck couldn’t meet their fantasy. He was a self-destructive, messed up kid who had no game at all back then.

Buck knows it is easy to look at him now, who he was just a couple of years ago and think that had always been him. He likes that, he trades on that. The more he can be this Buck, the further away his past seems. He wants to keep parts of it so far away, it just feels like a dream.

At the same time, however, he’s not so hung up on labels. He enjoys sex, he enjoys being with people and maybe that includes a group of people he didn’t think about before. It’s not that he’s ready to wear the bisexual or pansexual flag (he has read that pansexual is more inclusive so he’s leaning to that) and scream he’s not 100% straight in the middle of the street. He isn’t really ready to tell many people yet, but the idea that this might be part of him, of who he is? He’s good with that.

He arrives early deliberately and makes his way straight to the locker room. He isn’t sure if he’s really ready to see Eddie yet.

Eddie had the same damn idea.

Their eyes meet and Buck is right back there in his apartment with Eddie, all lips and hands and -

“Hi, Buck.” Eddie’s voice is easy, calm, as if nothing happened. It’s always this way; Buck shows his emotions too easily and Eddie? Eddie is hard to read, cool and collected. Buck has no idea at all what he is thinking or how he feels.

Buck looks around the locker room for a moment. It’s just them. At any moment the bell could ring and Buck knows they need to talk, that they have to clear this before that bell sounds.

“You’re really just ignoring everything then?”

“We’re at work, Buck.” Eddie’s tone is so measured and familiar. It reminds him suddenly that he was definitely not designed for the army or SEALs, he can’t compartmentalise. He will never be able to do this.

“Fine, you want to go through the rest of our shift with everyone else and not talk about this? You were right - we needed to take a minute but neither of us were in a good place. I just needed to breathe, to get out of there.”

Eddie sighs and runs a hand through his hair. “Okay, let’s talk.”

Buck sits on the bench next to him, but not too close. He can’t meet his eyes and he wishes he could - even if he’s scared of what he might see.

Eddie’s elbows are on his knees and he almost deliberately not looking at Buck. His tone may not have betrayed him earlier, but Buck can see he is wound up with tension; every muscle in Eddie’s back looks tensed and ready for him to flee.

“I don’t want to lose you, or Chris,” Buck says after a moment of silence. This is the truth and the only thing that matters; he can’t lose them.

”Buck, I-“

”Seriously. I know this was - I have spent all the time since trying to make sense of it and then what it meant.”

“Yeah? Any joy, because I’d sure like to make sense of that.”

“Yep, a whole lotta googling last night.” Eddie looks him quizzically and oh my God - Buck immediately flushes. “Not like that, but Google really isn’t great at highly personal questions by the way. It’s not a Magic 8 ball.”

Eddie chuckles; the sound is more welcoming to Buck. “Well, still sounds like you’re more ahead than me then.”

“Not really.” Buck bites his lip. “Not at all. I mean, you’re not the one who freaked out and went on about toilet paper.”

“Yeah, that was … unexpected.”

Buck can see Chim is walking over to them; he raises a hand in greeting and looks at Eddie quickly.

“We can’t do this now,” Eddie says in a low voice.

Buck’s heart sinks into his chest. “I know, I know. Look, can we just - “

“After shift. After shift we can talk properly,” Eddie says softly, his voice is tight as he very briefly squeezes Buck’s shoulder.

It’s such a small gesture but Buck feels it. It’s that sensation of gulping down a too hot drink and it suddenly almost being too hard to breathe for a second and then the relief when it passes. The tension Buck’s holding dissipates.

* * *

It’s not the most awkward shift Buck has encountered in recent months. Of course, he’s not sure that’s something to really shout about.

No one else in the team seems to have picked up on the vibes between him and Eddie but Buck feels like there is a neon sign above their heads.

The shift itself is going fairly smoothly though.

Nate’s been texting Buck which is a perfect and timely distraction; it transpires that his wife, Hannah, has been offered a promotion in her company’s LA office so they’re talking about moving and that’s why Nate has an interview in a couple of days. Buck offers to show him around L.A; he loves the city he’s made his home and having Nate closer would be nice.

It’s funny; they’ve barely spoken since the wedding but somehow the conversation isn’t stilted - unless his sister-in-law is mentioned and that subtle reminder of Buck 1.0 at the wedding. In fairness, he didn’t know she was Hannah’s sister until afterwards and what else was a single twenty something realistically going to do at a wedding with an open bar?

Buck can’t help but feel that Nate’s domestic bliss and Buck finding his value as a firefighter is the perfect fuck you to that boys’ home.

Hen walks over to him from the kitchen. Buck puts his phone down. “Hi Hen, what’s up?

“What’s going on Buckaroo? You seem quiet today.” He wants to ask Hen about everything in his head but if he does that, he knows she’ll work it out and he can’t have that. He can’t do that to Eddie anyway.

It could be nothing.

Twenty-eight is too fucking old to be going through this ‘who am I’ crap.

“What do you mean?”

“Is everything okay?” Hen asks gently.

Buck looks up from his phone and somehow his eyes immediately are pulled to Eddie. “I’m fine, it’s all good. Just feeling kinda quiet today-“

Hen reaches over and puts a hand on his forehead. “Your temperature seems okay,” she says with a wicked smile.

“Aw, love you too Hen. Hey, have you got any news on the whole fostering-adoption thing yet? Did you pass your exam? Did Karen?”

“We’re approved,” Hen says in almost a whisper, “don’t tell everyone yet though, please. We want to wait until we actually get a call - otherwise, it could be a while. They said there’s an adoption event too at the end of the month so that’s an option too.”

“Wow, congrats!”

“Yeah, our social worker said there we might even get a call in a couple of weeks and then we’ll- it’s unreal. Denny’s fully on board and he says he’s looking forward to it. I guess, I’m a little nervous, but it feels right, Buck. I don’t know why we didn’t think of it before.”

“I can’t believe it’s actually happening.”

“Karen is definitely freaking out about it a little. I think when we get the call…” Hen smiles and Buck can see the love in her eyes.

“You’re going to be great, Hen, I mean it. Any kid will be lucky to be with you guys,”

“You know I didn’t mean to insult you over the… when you told us.”

In all honesty, Buck had forgotten Hen’s words until she mentioned them. He instantly shrugs and waves his hands, “I know,” he says. It really isn’t a big deal to him. “It probably does make sense.”

“No, I was just surprised, Buck, and then as I thought about it, I could see all these hints and moments that I’d missed. I felt like maybe I hadn’t been such a good friend to you, or teammate, to not have picked up on it sooner. You kept saying you thought you told us before and I was thinking - did I just not listen one day?”

“Nah, I’ve thought about it. Turns out I’d actually forgotten to mention it.” Buck shrugs and Hen affectionately swipes his elbow. “Hey, like I know everything about you!”

“Fair enough, Buck, fair enough.”

Buck steals another look at Eddie who is watching the conversation almost nervously. Does Eddie not trust Buck, does he really think he’d say something?

He tries to shake away the worry. “Video game?” he asks Hen.

She nods and the bell instantly rings.

Immediately everyone stands up and the station is full of life and action. Buck smiles. He’s home.

* * *

“Christopher,“ Eddie calls as he beckons Buck in, still opening the apartment door, “Buck’s here!”

“I’m in the kitchen,” Christopher shouts, “Hi Buck.”

“Hey buddy,” Buck greets Christopher cheerfully as he walks into the Diaz apartment. Buck desperately wants to try and hide his own anxiety about how this conversation will go.

“He’s got to finish his homework and then he can watch TV,” Eddie says before quietly adding in a low whisper, “we can talk in the living room.”

“Can Buck watch too?” Chris asks, meeting Buck’s gaze with what can only be described as puppy eyes.

“Uh, maybe, if I…” Buck looks desperately at Eddie.

“Sure. I mean, if Buck doesn’t need to go home then that’s fine.” _Thanks for the help there, Eddie,_ Buck thinks. Talk about covering all of your bases!

“Okay,” Chris says cheerfully.

“Drink?” Eddie asks, grabbing an already half-drunk glass of water from the nearby counter.

“Sure, water’s fine.”

Eddie gets him the glass of water which is weird because Buck usually gets his own drinks at Eddie’s. They treat each other’s homes like extensions of their own place and maybe that can’t happen anymore. Maybe it’s another example of the many ways their friendship has crossed invisible lines they cannot understand.

Eddie and Buck sit on the sofa and Eddie turns the news on low. Christopher won’t be able to hear and oh God- how bad is this conversation going to go.

Buck finds himself gulping his water immediately.

There’s an awkward silence and Buck ends up absent-mindedly listening to the news, distracting himself with economic deals and summits. The world is so much than him and Eddie, he just needs some perspective.

Eddie hasn’t said a word yet, but he is looking at Buck. It isn’t with abject disgust which bodes better than Buck thought.

“I’m not like you, Buck,” Eddie says softly, smiling at him. The words don’t match his expression because Buck knows this is a prelude to rejection. _I’m not like you and I don’t want to be._

“You don’t have to - I get it. Like I said, I just don’t want to lose you and Christopher again.”

“What? Buck, I’m-I’m trying to explain everything. I don’t wear my heart on my sleeve, I’m not good at just showing how I feel and being like ‘here I am’. You’re so damn confident in how you feel and you don’t - don’t seem to have those hang-ups.”

“I’ve got plenty of hang-ups, Eddie, believe me.”

“Look, I didn’t think about -I’ve never-“

“Me either,” Buck says tightly, resting his head against the sofa behind him.

“Look, how I grew up, the army, it’s not easy to think about you like that, to want to.”

Buck readies himself to issue a firm defence of ‘and you think it’s easier in a boys’ home’ but then he registers Eddie’s last words. “But you do?” he asks, raising one eyebrow in curiosity.

“I don’t know.” Eddie is plaintive, almost desperate. He leans forward and places his head in his hands, elbows on his knees.

It’s honest at least. Buck understands it, because he isn’t even sure how to quantify this. There’s an awful part of him that wants to push and probe Eddie; remind him of the way he deepened the kiss, more than kissed him back, that kissing like that is not how you behave with just a friend.

He gets it though because he’s the same; the only difference is Buck has spoken to Maddie and looking at Eddie it is apparent he hasn’t spoken to anyone about it, and Buck’s spent several hours researching sexualities and sexual identity crises on the internet.

“Maybe.” Eddie is so quiet, Buck almost can’t hear him. He does though.

“So what do we do? What do you want to do? ‘Cause I don’t want to fight again.”

“I don’t know if I’m ready to think about things beyond right now. Maybe I’m not that brave.”

“Eddie-”

“I don’t know how I feel, but I know you matter to me. You’re my best friend, Buck. Christopher adores you. I can’t lose you again.”

“Y’know, I can’t lose you isn’t the most platonic of phrases.”

“Fuck you,” he says but without malice.

“Neither is that,” Buck retorts without even meaning to. Eddie shakes his head and laughs too.

“I’m not ready to think about what that kiss meant,” Eddie says finally, “I know I should be, in the grand scheme of things it’s not a big thing, but I’m not.”

“Okay.” Buck needs to add some levity or something to this moment. “It is hard to go back after a kiss from me, I mean lesser people have tried and failed. You might have a Silver Star but you’re only human, Eddie.”

“You arrogant son of a -” Eddie laughs.

“C’mon we gotta move on somehow, right?”

Eddie pauses and Buck can almost see him thinking, the weight of every thought on him. “If, and I mean if there was something…I’m not saying there is. We can’t do anything about it though, Buck.”

“Why not? Because we’re both guys, ‘cause hate to be crude again but that didn’t stop either of us from-from making out like -”

“Because we’d lose our jobs. One of us would have to transfer-“

“Neither of us are doing that,” Buck says adamantly, the growing horror of Eddie’s words sinking in. He hadn’t even thought about that. In fairness, he was having a minor sexuality crisis and needed to start processing that but -

He has fought so hard to come home to his team.

Eddie is part of his team. He can’t lose him there.

“I knew you’d say that,” Eddie says gently, “but this is why I didn’t want to talk at the station. But… I… ” Eddie falters. He squeezes Buck’s hand and it takes Buck completely aback. “What do you want?”

“What do you mean?”

“We’re talking a lot about my feelings, about me an awful lot, but what do you want? You seem calmer and more together than I am on this, at least on the surface. So where are you?”

“Huh?”

“What do you _want_ , Buck?” he asks, voice infuriatingly low.

Buck looks away from Eddie automatically, towards the window. It’s raining and he wishes he could clearly distinguish the sound of the rain from the sounds around of him of the TV, Chris humming to himself from the next room and the very faintest sound of rain against the window.

He tries to focus on that sound, to ground himself.

What _does_ Buck want? He has been so hyper focused on how Eddie would react and finding some logical explanation for everything, so keen to be able to apply a clear, identifiable label to what happened, he isn’t even sure what it means to him. He hadn’t even thought Eddie would ask him.

He thinks about the kiss. The ghost of Eddie’s lips on him, hot breath, the sensation of stubble against his skin.

Buck looks at Eddie; the lightly tanned skin, dark eyes that always betray the emotion he won’t let his body show. He takes in how every muscle in Eddie’s arm seems tensed and how it draws his attention in.

The kiss and the panic and then all that research? It started something for Buck and sure, he isn’t exactly certain of what it all means, of where he wants things to go.

He knows this though: Eddie is his best friend. Buck hasn’t had too many of those over the years. He is better for having Eddie and Christopher around, he knows his this in his soul.

He knows this too; he can’t deny that the kiss was significant. If he didn’t feel something like that for Eddie, then why when they were kissing did he not want it to end? When the kiss was happening, it made complete and perfect sense. Why was he not repulsed, why was he okay with the idea of kissing him again?

It was only afterwards when reality set in that the kiss mutated and became a crisis. The kiss itself - kissing Eddie, as strange as it sounded, felt right. Felt good.

So what does Buck _want_?

”Buck?” Eddie touches his shoulder gently, “Buck, say something.”

What does it say about Buck as well that he didn’t even think someone would ask him what he wanted? Grown up Buck isn’t meant to be a train wreck, he’s meant to be a fully functioning adult. Maybe Buck really should go back and see Frank again.

“I don’t regret it,” he says, almost to himself. “I might be freaking out a bit, I might feel like I’ve blown my life up and I might not know everything about what it means but… I think it had to happen.”

“I get it.” He looks at Buck square in the eyes. “So, what do we do now?”

“I don’t know.”

“I need to think,” Eddie says slowly, “I need to think things through.”

“It was a kiss, Eddie, we didn’t sleep together. It’s not a big deal”

“No. I told you though, I’m not like you, Buck. This isn’t easy for me.“

“Or me. I don’t go around kissing everyone,” Buck says, slightly wounded.

“I don’t mean it like that, I just-“ Buck thinks of Eddie for a moment; the way he agonised and delayed inviting Shannon back into Christopher’s life. Despite Eddie’s calm, collected demeanour and army background, it occurs to Buck that maybe Eddie struggles to apply that when it comes to emotions, to feelings, to taking those chance.

Buck has never been like that; that’s the problem. If anything he gave in to love and emotion without regard, recklessly; as if the act of doing this meant he could no longer be hurt by it as he had so freely relinquished himself to an emotion.

”Fine. Look, we can’t just do nothing, _can_ we?” It’s a genuine question; can they just go back and put Pandora back in her box. Can they do that? Should they?

“My homework’s done,” Christopher calls from the kitchen.

Saved by the kid. Buck and Eddie exchange a tentative smile. Maybe it’s not all over, maybe their friendship can move past this. They’re best friends, they’ve got through opposite sides on a bitter lawsuit. They can get past a kiss, right?

What if neither of them want to though, because after kissing each other a few nights ago both of them were so keen to immediately deny being anything other than 100% straight. Buck realises that neither of them has said anything about that today.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, what did you think? Where do you think things are going for Buck and Eddie next?


	6. Wake Up Your Saints

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always thank you so much for the kudos and comments; they mean a huge amount to me. The rating has also officially gone up to M because as I continue to write, continued swearing and such just makes me want to be cautious - this has **nothing** to do with the below chapter warning for anyone worried about that. 
> 
> Warning- there are some subtle(ish) allusions to (physical) child abuse within this chapter. There are no graphic details and no specific details within this but I’m aware any mention of this topic can be triggering to people so want to give fair warning for those who may wish to avoid this.
> 
> Disclaimer - Usual disclaimers apply. The chapter title is from the song Wake Up Your Saints by the National; which again I do not own or claim to!

It’s been over a week since Eddie and Buck finally talked about that night. Eddie needs time to think, Buck knows that, but surely he’s had long enough now, right?

It’s fine, it’s fine.

Buck has never been the best at letting things go. Any perceived failure or mistake is all too hard to shake; it’s been months and he still feels guilty about the lawsuit.

He doesn’t think he’ll ever truly get over the tsunami. Over Christopher being lost and alone because of Buck - if he’d _just_ kept Christopher safe.

The problem is the more that time goes on, the more comfortable Buck is feeling in his self, the more the lack of resolution gets to him. Buck isn’t good with indecision; that much everyone knows. He knows people think he careens from one poorly thought out moment of recklessness to the next. It isn’t that though. 

Indecision brings things up. It scratches at the back of his throat and tastes like iron in his mouth. The wait - he always hated that the most; those long moments of hanging there and wondering whether his transgressions would be forgiven or not. The overwhelming sense of relief that it was going to be okay before the inevitable realisation it wasn’t. It’s like he’s a kid again.

It isn’t the same thing and Buck knows that.

It is difficult though because one way or another, at some point they will digress down one of two paths. Eddie just needs to make his damn mind, because Buck’s already made up his and he’s preparing himself either way.

~~He wants it to be something though. He wants more from Eddie and he knows it now.~~

It’s early on their shift and somehow the short workout before their first call hasn’t got rid of the nagging insecurity and uncertainty in Buck’s mind. It’s rapidly turning into something else, frustration.

Eddie is standing in the locker room and Buck swears he has been staring at the same thing for at least five minutes.

“You good?” Buck asks casually; he can do bro talk if that’s what it takes, he invented the damn thing.

“Yeah, fine,” Eddie says.

So he doesn’t want to talk then. Buck starts to walk away.

“Eddie, what is going on?” he asks, turning on his heel in sheer frustration. He wants to square up to Eddie, to challenge him and push to find out just what is inside his head, why he is the way he is.

“Nothing’s going on, Buck,” he says flatly.

“Really? You just completely brushed me off and you’re in the locker room just staring at your locker, man.”

“We’re at work,” Eddie hisses.

“I’m aware, but c’mon, whatever happens we’re still a team, right?”

There’s a heavy silence and Eddie sits down on the bench. Buck joins him quietly.

“You’re still my friend, Eddie, even if we’re in this weird place.”

“Same, Buck. It’s just I’m not ready, I’m not sure,” he says in a tone not without kindness. Eddie’s face is almost crumpled; he looks physically pained. It is tearing Buck apart second by second. He understands that Eddie might not be like him, or may not even be comfortable to truly look at himself. This is a person who took their grief straight into a fighting ring.

Buck wishes he could read Eddie’s mind; probe and see if there is something there or not. Eddie hinted as much when they spoke that night, but Buck isn’t sure that Eddie will ever vocalise it.

“It isn’t just about me, or us even,” Eddie says suddenly, refusing to meet Buck’s eyes. Buck is immediately hit with a wave of deja vu. He remembers how Eddie agonised over inviting Shannon back into his life; the weeks and months of anguish and indecision. He can remember going to see Santa with Eddie and Christopher and Eddie being completely unsure and dubious about letting his son see his mother. And that was after he started sleeping with Shannon again and without an entire sexuality crisis.

Shannon was someone Eddie married and made a home and a child with. The first love of his life. If Eddie couldn’t easily let her in; what chance in hell does Buck have?

* * *

Buck distracts himself with his jobs for the day. The fire truck will never be this clean again, this pristine. He’s making it look like something out of a catalogue and it has nothing at all to do with Edmundo Diaz and his lost, confused, puppy dog eyes.

He hears his name suddenly, looks up and is instantly taken back in time. Nate is walking into the 118. It’s one of those moments Buck never really considered happening; a bit like kissing Eddie. The idea that his past life and his current world could meet like this. It’s different with Maddie, but Nate? Nate’s a reminder of all of the things Buck wants to keep locked up. They were in the same home together, the one before his parents and he hates thinking about that place.

Nate’s also the closest thing to a brother he had growing up though. Their lives are entwined; Buck’s even the godfather to Nate’s child. He wants Nate to see his progress, see where he is now and meet the family he has made.

He wouldn’t have invited him to briefly come to the firehouse otherwise. He’s just been so distracted with everything recently; he forgot Nate was coming around after his interview. They have plans for a real catch up and a couple of beers the following night, but Buck wanted to show Nate how much he’s changed in the past couple of years. He wants to prove that Buck 1.0 who slept with Nate’s sister-in-law and Nate’s wedding is a thing of the past. This is responsible Buck, who is a fully functional, productive member of society and has gone way, way too long without sex right now.

“Hey man,” Nate says lightly. He looks a little unsure of himself and Buck can’t quite reconcile the Nate he first met with this man who is wearing a goddamn suit. Nate wore scruffy clothes and always had messy hair until recently; as much as Buck has grown up so has Nate.

Buck grins. “Nate! How’d the interview go?” Buck meets him immediately into an embrace, dropping the cloth he was polishing the truck with.

”I hate interviews,” he says darkly, self-consciously loosening the edge of his shirt and tie. “Okay, though I think. Hannah’s been offered a position at a firm down here so either way looks like we’ll be moving soon. She really wants to talk to you about life here - the three dozen questions she’s already got me to ask you didn’t cut it apparently.” He raises his eyebrows but his eyes are full of affection and god Buck wants someone to talk about him that way - to have someone he feels that way about.

“Yeah, definitely. I can’t believe we’re going to be in the same city again.” Buck starts thinking about where he should recommend for them; Leo’s only a baby but there’s so much to do in the city and L.A is home now. He wants to share that with Nate; show him what is so great about the city he’s settled.

Apart from the tsunami, and the earthquake, and the plane crash. The last few years have definitely seen their share of natural and unnatural disasters.

The team are looking at Buck and Nate with confusion. Buck can see Bobby making his way over in what would appear to be a casual way to anyone who doesn’t know hum.

Once again, Buck is struck by the fact that yes, he may have forgotten to mention something to the team.

Nate smiles at Buck’s team and Buck has no idea when Nate learnt to smile like that. There’s something disarming about him now, whereas Buck feels like he’s always making people around him tense.

Is it Buck’s imagination or is Eddie scowling at Nate from the nearby punching bags? Yes, that is definitely the famous Diaz scowl Buck knows all too well.

_Interesting._

“Hi Cap uh, this is Nate.”

“Pleasure, heard a lot about this place.”

The unspoken silence says it all and a wave of discomfort passes through Buck.

“Nate and I were in the same home for a while when I was a kid,” Buck explains quickly, “he’s pretty much the only person I stayed in touch with afterwards.”

“Oh.” There’s a moment’s awkward silence before Bobby continues, “Well, it’s nice to meet you, Nate. Uh, Buck why you don’t introduce your friend to the team?”

Buck cheerfully introduces everyone to Nate. He can’t help but notice that while Eddie has come over, he is standing some distance apart from Buck and the expression on his face is unreadable. What is he thinking? What is going on with him?

Buck wishes Eddie and him could somehow find balance

“So, are you in town long?” Hen asks Nate as they make their way towards the kitchen. Buck instantly makes his way towards the sofa, expecting Nate and the others will follow suit shortly.

“Well, I’m actually moving down at some point. I had an interview earlier hence the -jacket. I know you guys are on shift so I really don’t want to intrude - we’re getting a beer tomorrow, right Buck?”

Buck salutes from his position on the sofa.

“It’s fine,” Hen says. “What did you interview for?”

“Nothing exciting, it’s just a boring old office job - I work in Communications. It’s nothing like Buck and you guys do,” Nate says casually, “It pays the bills though which is the main thing though.”

“I’ll drink to that,” Chim says, raising his coffee mug.

“So, how long have you known Buck?” Bobby asks. Buck can tell Bobby wants to know more; they still haven’t specifically talked about Buck’s unintended revelation and Buck knows that conversation is coming. Buck’s been avoiding it but knows it’s inevitable.

“Man, since we were what-nine? Ten? Or something like that,” Nate answers. He’s like Buck; certain years blend into an indistinguishable mess, especially the time when they first met. That whole era is just a vague cloud to Buck with some distinctive memories but no dates. 

“Something like that,” Buck says casually.

“Was Buck going as Buck then?” Hen asks suddenly.

“Nah, that came when he was a teenager.”

As Nate begins to answer the onslaught of questions and chatter, Buck drifts off and only half-listens to Nate’s words. Eddie is staring at him and then occasionally casting his eyes towards Nate for a moment.

Buck feels uncertain all of a sudden. He genuinely had believed Nate coming to the firehouse would be a good thing, but now he’s not so sure. Selfishly, maybe another reminder of Buck’s past won’t help Eddie make a decision. Nate is stable, calm and a good father, but he remembers the version of Buck a long time before 1.0. Suddenly Buck wants to guard every word that Nate could possibly say, to filter out the embarrassing stories.

* * *

It’s surprising how easy conversation flows with Nate. They’re at a bar near Buck’s apartment and on their second drink already.

Buck’s happy; he’s been cooing over photos of Leo, Nate’s son and filling him on his last few months.

“I’m sorry I didn’t visit sooner-“ Nate says softly, “you could have told me how serious things were. You should have, Buck. You didn’t mention anything about a pulmonary embolism or-I mean, shit. You were crushed by a truck? You told me you broke your leg on a call!”

“You had Leo,” Buck says fiercely, “Besides, I had people, I was fine. I am fine”

“You could have called me.”

“Yeah, but- you know how it is. I didn’t tell Mom or Dad about it either. I’m guess I’m tired of being a screw up.” Besides, the last time Buck had seen Nate in person had been after Nate’s wedding and that conversation was not a particularly fun one.

“You are not a screw up, Buck.”

Buck squirms slightly and makes some incomprehensible sound. Over the past year, he’s made more than a few mistakes.

“I’m serious. Look, even if you were, we all are. I’m glad you’re okay, Buck.”

“I’m good, honestly,” Buck says.

There’s a comfortable silence and Buck feels himself starting to relax.

“So, Eddie?” Nate suddenly asks before taking a gulp of his beer.

“Eddie?” Buck feels his face wrinkle in confusion. Why is Nate bringing up Eddie of all people?

“What’s the story there?” How on earth does Nate already know? What has he picked up on? Is it _that_ obvious? Buck can feel the heat rising in his face and panic swirling in his stomach.

“What do you mean?” Buck asks slowly, awkwardly dragging his fingers down his beer glass and the condensation around the edge.

“He seems kind of intense, gave me a really probing look, Buck. What’s the story?”

“You’re exaggerating.”

“Okay, I’m just going to say it: he gave me the evils, Buck. I genuinely think I might be cursed now; they were that intense.”

“You lie!”

“I swear to God I am this close to going to some shaman, healer or burning a tonne of sage. I am not messing with you. I have a kid now, Buck, I ain’t messing around with around that shit. That guy had it out for me and I don’t know why.”

“It’s not you, it’s me,” Buck says and recognises how forlorn his voice sounds.

“Excuse you?”

Buck sighs, pushing his hands further away as he tries to slide down the seat a little. “Ikissedhim. It’s me - that’s why he was glaring.”

“What? You mumbled something.”

“Like I said, I sort of kissed him.” This is nothing like telling Maddie. Telling Maddie was safe because deep down Buck knew Maddie wouldn’t change; she would love him regardless and unconditionally, it’s just who she is. Nate feels more risky though because as close as they are, he isn’t sure that this isn’t about to backfire.

”So you’re dating?”

Buck shakes his head.

“Together?”

Another shake.

“Hooking up?”

“Nope.” The syllables pop on his tongue.

“Highly confused?” Nate asks in a tone that suggests he has run out of all other options. Buck shrugs, it’s close enough. However, maybe he’s not as confused as he thinks.

“I think I’m bi or pan, like maybe,” Buck says in a small voice.

“Cool,” Nate says with a shrug and Buck can’t believe it can be that easy,“and what about Eddie?”

“Fuck knows. He said he needs time.” Buck is wondering how much time he should allow though; because if he is pan, which he thinks he is, then maybe at some point he should

“Well, that explains the glare. I was starting to wonder what you’d told everyone about me.”

“I haven’t said much,” Buck says lightly, glad for the subject change, “They didn’t even know I was in the system until maybe a couple of weeks ago - no, it was just over a week maybe.”

“Wow. I get it though.”

“I didn’t even think it was a deliberate thing,” Buck says carefully, “It’s just the past is the past, right?”

“Yeah, I get it.”

“Maddie got worried; she thought that I was keeping stuff back and -“

“C’mon, Buck,” Nate says lightly, “this is me you’re talking to. Not your sister. Not your boss. Not even this Eddie guy. It’s me.”

“I don’t know what you’re going on about,” Buck says flippantly.

Nate pauses and looks at Buck carefully before he speaks. “When Leo was born, I cried for like a week straight, I swear.”

“What are you saying, Nate?” Why can’t _anyone_ just be straightforward with Buck?

“I don’t think you forgot to tell your friends, Buck, I think it was deliberate. I get it, trust me, I do. We’ve got scars.”

“Scars fade.”

“Not all of them.” Nate leans back and exhales slowly.

That’s the problem with Nate; he is a great friend to Buck, a brother in arms. The home they were in together though? Sometimes being around Nate opens the door to that small, awkward kid who always messed up - to the inevitable consequences of every transgression and that’s just not something Buck can let into his life anymore.

* * *

Buck has spent too much of the day stuck in his head. It wasn’t just that Nate was in town and had bought up the past, Buck was okay with that, but adding in all of the Eddie drama? That was a step too far.

He wishes things made more sense, that he didn’t keep pulling himself into one mess from the next.

The doorbell rings, pulling Buck out of his reverie.

He rubs his eyes and stands up from the sofa where he’s spent far too much of his afternoon. He isn’t expecting anyone; Nate has gone back to Seattle, Maddie will be spending her day off with Chim and Eddie? Well, it won’t be him.

Eddie is standing at the door. He looks almost helpless; there’s something utterly vulnerable in his eyes that Buck has never seen before.

“Hey man, everything okay?” Buck asks nervously.

Eddie doesn’t reply, he looks at him slowly and Buck feels like Eddie’s regarding him as though he’s never laid on Buck before.

“Eddie, I-”

Eddie’s lips are on his. Eddie is kissing him. Eddie gently pushes Buck so that Eddie is no longer in the hallway and Buck finds himself managing to somehow get the door shut.

His back is against the door, Eddie’s hands are on his face radiating heat through Buck and while Buck was originally taken aback he’s managed to manoeuvre his hands around Eddie’s waist, pulling him closer.

Eddie’s moved so his thighs are making contact with Buck’s and he’s so damn close. Buck can feel the warmth and solidness of Eddie’s thigh and instinctively deepens the kiss.

Their lips part and Eddie drops his hands, Buck raises his arms, loops them around Eddie’s neck.

His fingers are lightly dancing on Eddie’s neck, on his pulse point. He doesn’t want to let him go, to let reality in.

“Hey,” he says gently when he finally has his breath back. “That’s one way to get invited in.”

“Yeah?” Eddie separates from Buck and makes his way over to Buck’s sofa. Buck joins him and waits for the ground to give beneath him.

Eddie has come around his apartment and kissed him like _that_ just to tell him their friendship is over.

He sits next to Eddie and is determined that he will meet his friend’s eyes. He will bear this and he will lie, which is fine because he’s been lying to himself.

There is nothing platonic about his feelings for Eddie anymore.

“I’ve been thinking,” Eddie says casually, interlacing his fingers with Buck’s and Buck swears his heart skips a damn beat.

“Yeah?”

“We could see where it goes, no pressure, no labels, yet but… yeah.”

“Okay?”

“We’d need to keep it quiet, for work and in case…yeah. We could try, just see if there is something, if it’s - I spent months agonising over Shannon and I lost her- I don’t want to make the same mistake twice. I can’t make the same mistake twice.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that I’ve been thinking about what that kiss meant and I - I don’t think we’re just friends, Buck.”

“So… we’re doing this?” Buck asks. He’s not even entirely sure what’s real in this second because this - this can’t be happening. Can it?

He’s spent days analysing his own feelings; trying to draw conclusions about the implications on his sexuality. He has all too easily acknowledged that there was desire, that he wasn’t as straight as he had thought.

It never occurred to him that Eddie would reach the same conclusion. It was almost impossible he would do this so quickly. Not after Shannon. Not after the lawsuit and the tsunami and everything that had pushed and pushed their friendship over the last year.

“I’ve never been with -“ Eddie exhales, “I don’t really know what I’m doing.”

“Same.”

“Guess we’ll find out, huh?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, what did you think? There's finally a little progress but we all know the course of love never runs smooth ;)  
> Take care of yourselves in this strange time and I hope our fandom can continue to offer an escape to those who need it.


	7. Falling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you as ever for your lovely comments and kudos, they mean a huge amount to me!  
> The usual disclaimers apply and this chapter is named after the song Falling by Haim

Eddie is browsing his phone in the kitchen when Buck walks upstairs for his shift. Bobby is in his office and the rest of the team are still getting ready. Eddie’s leaning against a counter and looks up to meet Buck’s eyes.

“Morning,” he says lightly and Buck fights the urge to laugh because this is just so weird. Hours ago Buck and Eddie were making out on his sofa and now they’re at work like nothing’s happened.

That’s the plan though. Keep everything professional and quiet. He can do that.

He’s been immediately taken back to he night before and the hour Eddie stayed at his while they tried to talk about practicalities and had ended up making out on his sofa like teenagers.

The rules they agree were simple though. They were both keen to take things slowly and they had a solid, careful arrangement:

> “1. Until they were sure of everything, until they had a plan for the consequences at work and they knew that this was a _something_ no-one else could know - even Christopher, even Maddie. This had to be a secret.
> 
> 2\. Remember Rule 1”

There is an unspoken rule that they will take things at their own pace - it’s new for them both so they don’t need to rush into something neither of them are ready for yet. Yes, Buck wants to be with Eddie in every way, but having never been with a man before and considering how new everything is for both of them, he doesn’t want either of them to have any regrets.

Buck can’t deny he’s nervous though and that’s probably a lot of it. It was a big step yesterday for both of them and he isn’t entirely convinced that Eddie won’t suddenly declare that it’s all a big mistake, too much, too soon.

It also hasn’t completely passed Buck by that Eddie’s revelation seemed to have been induced by Buck hanging out with Nate. He thinks back to the kiss though, to the way Eddie kept their fingers interlaced while they talked. He remembers Eddie talking about not wanting those same regrets.

He can’t believe this is all suddenly happening. Weeks ago, this would never have ever occurred to him as a possibility.

“Hey, how’s everything going?” Buck replies to Eddie, because he can play casual too, as he walks over to join him and Eddie pushes a cup of coffee in his direction. It’s already been made exactly how Buck likes it.

“Good, good, yeah.” Eddie looks around and then lowers his voice, “So… that happened, huh?”

”Yeah, I guess it did.”

Eddie smiles, it’s a heady combination of shy and smug all at once, Buck never ever wants him to stop looking like this. His smile is something so contagious and welcome that Buck wants to photograph the moment and keep it there.

“So-”

“Morning guys,” Chim says cheerfully, walking upstairs.

Buck runs a hand through his hair and steps back from Eddie immediately. “Chim, hey,” he says cheerfully.

Eddie looks at him, raising his hands slightly. Right, possibly a little too enthusiastic. “Hey, how were your rest days?”

“Good, good. How about you guys?”

Bobby joins them from his office and Buck points at an empty coffee cup to which Bobby nods. Buck immediately begins pouring coffee for Bobby and Chim.

“Fine, yeah,” “Eddie says, “Christopher and I hung out, the usual. You guys?”

“Nothing much, spent some time with Maddie and caught up on odd jobs. Buck, what about you? C’mon you gotta have something more exciting to contribute?”

Everyone is staring at Buck. “It was alright. I hung out with Nate yesterday and - uh, just ”

Hen walks in smiling. “Guys, I have amazing news.”

“What’s going on?” Bobby asks.

“Karen and I have been approved for foster care -“

Everyone immediately reacts, smiling and going to hug Hen. Buck holds back for a second, trying to mask his face so it looks like he didn’t already know. He joins Hen and hugs her.

It suddenly occurs to him that if she’s telling everyone then does that mean they’ve got a placement? Hen had told Buck she wanted to keep it quiet until then after all.

“We’re also going to be picking up our foster child tomorrow!”

“That’s amazing news, Hen, I can’t think of a better couple for this,” Buck says. Hen squeezes him into a tighter hug.

“Thanks, Buck,”she says, “that means a lot.”

“Alright, morning announcements,” Bobby says and the team immediately stop and listen, ready for the shift ahead.

* * *

Despite the initial awkwardness, Buck really can’t see any difference in the way Eddie and him are during their shift. Their feelings and potential relationship all are pushed to the side in favour of their work.

There have been several calls so far and only one of them has been particularly difficult to deal with. They saved everyone though and that’s really all that matters, isn’t it?

It’s hour twenty of their shift and slowly relief is creeping in. Buck didn’t know what he expected, but he had imagined people might somehow subconsciously pick up that something was happening, something had changed. It seemed impossible that they wouldn’t notice it because all Buck could see was how everything in his world had been turned on its head.

To everyone else though it was clearly business as normal.

It’s just before 2am and as they make their way out of the truck from their latest call - which was typically a false alarm- Buck is hoping they can grab a few hours sleep before they need to get ready for shift change.

He makes his way to the bunk room, rubbing his eyes. Someone joins him, matching him step for step. He smiles when he sees Eddie.

“Movie night tonight?”Eddie asks, “Christopher really wants to see you.” It’s a usual invite that Chim or Bobby, or anyone of their team wouldn’t bat an eyelid to but Buck knows there’s another meaning behind his words.

“Yeah, it would be good to see him,” Buck says lightly. He can do casual too, he can played laid back too.

Eddie looks around briefly then steps closer to Buck, whispering in his ear, “I really want to see you too.” The words burn in his body and if he wasn’t at work- but he is.

The moment is over quickly; Buck almost thinks he’s imagined it until he sees Eddie’s eyes sparkling with mischief and possibility. How on earth did he ever think they could just be friends?

He won’t get any sleep now.

Home is a weird word. Buck is pulling his jeans on in his loft after a shower. Living alone always seemed like such a lonely concept but this apartment doesn’t feel so bad. There are the memories of Christopher and him hanging out after the tsunami, the drinks and movie nights with Eddie. This would always be the place where Eddie kissed him just a couple of days ago now, whatever happened with the two of them.

Buck’s never quite known where home feels like. For the longest time, it’s been work; whether that was when he was trying to get into the SEALS, or that crowded bar on the beach in South America, or the 118. The 118 was home more than any of them. Eddie’s house too.

He felt at home when he was with his parents after a short time; in a strange way it had been easy to find home with them. He didn’t even want that when he came into their house; he was angry and wounded and - and broken. Genuine kindness seemed like a ruse somehow.

He picks up the phone by his dresser as he drops the towel he’d been drying his hair with on his bed. It’s been too long, he needs to do better. He’s in a better place so really there’s no excuse.

His mum picks up on the third ring. “Buck!” she says and there’s so much kindness and happiness in her voice it makes Buck’s heart hurt.

“Hey Mom,” he says softly, “how are you? How’s Dad?”

“We’re good, we’re good. How are you? How’s the leg?”

“It’s good now, all healed up. I’m back at work and - I’m doing fine, honest, you don’t need to worry.”

“And Maddie?” Maddie had told their parents about being in LA shortly after the Doug incident. She’d even gone and stayed with them for a few days during her recovery and from what she’d told Buck, it had helped.

Of course, they played everything down - Buck and Maddie didn’t want them to worry. Being crushed by a truck turns into a small fracture in the middle of a call; being kidnapped by your husband becomes a small confrontation at your apartment complex that the police dealt with - his abusive horrid ways become ‘not so good for me’. There’s a part of Buck that wonders if they know what the Buckley siblings are doing; that they can see beyond the lies and are just humouring them.

They’ve worried too much about him - he needs to at least believe they’re not still worried about him.

“She’s doing really well; really enjoying her job.” The fact Maddie has PTSD and got put on mandatory counselling for stalking a domestic violence victim? Maddie’s really focused at work right now.

Lies can come easily, too easily.

“Are you seeing anyone?”

Remember the plan. Remember the plan. The thing is his parents are another world; so far removed from LA and his life and the reality of what’s going on. He could tell them but - he can’t. It could get back to Maddie, it could be for nothing. Maybe they don’t want a bisexual twenty something son any more. He logically knows that they won’t go anywhere but shaking the pressure he felt as a child to be enough, to not be a problem or discarded keeps rearing its head.

“Nothing serious,” he says breezily, “You know me, I’ve been making sure I’m back at my optimum for work.”

“Buck,” his mum says carefully and Buck can imagine her perfectly. She’s probably walking around whatever room she’s in; neither of them can keep still. At this time, she’s probably at work, in the office above the bookshop she runs.

“Mum?”

“You know you can tell me anything right, you can tell me things. Sometimes, I worry you sound guarded. I know your job must be really tough; you must see some things. That tsunami - I’m glad you weren’t working through that.”

“I was on the pier,” Buck confesses suddenly. It hurt too much. If he can’t tell her about Eddie, he can tell her a version of this truth. He wants to give something because all of the lies and half-truths are creating walls and barriers. He just something to feel real.

“What was that.”

“When the tsunami hit, I was on the pier.”

“What?” There’s a commotion on the other end of the line, as though his mum has just dropped something.

“Did the books survive?” he asks wryly.

“You didn’t tell us! Why didn’t you tell us?”

“It was fine, I uh- got to safety, managed to help a couple of people too. I was with my friend’s son, Christopher - I mentioned him - and it was all fine. It was just one afternoon and I knew it sounded worse than it was.” He doesn’t mention losing Christopher, almost passing out when Christopher was found or the state he was in on the blood thinners. He doesn’t mention the way the water pulled him underneath and it took everything to fight it.

“It must have been scary.”

“I’ve worked through an earthquake, plane crash and a tonne of stuff. I mean, it’s the job.”

“You weren’t working though.”

“Semantics, Mum,” he says lightly.

“You’re enjoying your job?”

“Always.”

“And you’re looking after yourself? Not just physically - have you seen a coun-“

“The department have therapists and stuff when we need them. I saw someone, Frank, going back to work and I am good, I promise. You don’t need to worry, okay?”

“Buck, I can know you’re a fully functional, brilliant grown-up and still worry, okay? I don’t like you keeping things - it’s - I remember you always used to bottle things up and I don’t want you to feel like you can’t still come to us. I don’t want you or Maddie to feel like we’re not still here for you - you might not be a kid anymore, but you’re still my kid, you understand? If you don’t want to share things that’s okay, I get it. I just want you to know you can-”

“I know, I know.” The words are on his lips: I’m bisexual, probably more of a mess than you thin and I don’t even know where to start with everything that’s gone on in the last few years. “I miss you guys,” he says instead.

“You too. You are always welcome for a visit. We’d come down ourselves but we have a placement at the moment for the next few months - lovely kid but well, you know how leaving the state can be in that scenario and -oOh, did I tell you that Izzy got in touch?” Izzy was one of the first placements they took in after Buck went to college. He came home at Thanksgiving with the news it wasn’t quite working out for him and was dropping out to go travelling. Izzy had laughed at the dining table when he announced this and called him a complete drama queen and cliche. He remembers her fondly.

Buck sits on the edge of his bed and continues talking to his mum, listening to her stories and updates. It’s like a balm; releasing tension and stress he didn’t know he was holding.

* * *

Buck knocks on Eddie’s door with some trepidation. It’s a warm evening and he’s been thinking about the movie night all day. He’s looking forward to seeing Christopher, as always, but he can’t stop remembering how Eddie whispered in his ear and the unspoken intentions behind his words.

Eddie answers and smiles at Buck. He looks almost nervous; Buck feels the same.

“Hey, come in.”

“Thanks, how was your day?”

Before Eddie can answer, Christopher immediately calls Buck from the sofa, “Hey Buck,”

“Hey buddy,” Buck says, walking over to Christopher, grinning already and leaving Eddie shaking his head. He hugs Christopher, joining hm on the sofa, “how’re you doing?”

“Good, I had school today.”

“Oh yeah? What did you get up to?”

“I’m going to get some popcorn, since someone here aced their test,” Eddie says cheerfully, “be right back.”

“You aced a test, huh?”

“Yep,” Christopher says proudly. “I got an A in Science.”

“That’s amazing. I never got A’s, did you know that?”

Eddie walks in, placing a bowl of freshly popped popcorn on Chris’ lap before briefly returning to the kitchen to fetch their beers. Eddie hands Buck a bottle of beer before sitting at the other end of the sofa so Christopher is between them.

“What movie is it today, then?” Buck asks.

“Spiderman,” Christopher says cheerfully as Eddie presses play on the remote.

“Nice choice.”

Buck takes a handful of popcorn and leans against the sofa as the film begins. He steals a glance at Eddie who is drinking his beer. Eddie meets his eyes and smiles, the sort of smile where he scrunches his nose and it is the single best thing Buck has seen all day.

Eddie rests his arm above the top of the sofa, mirroring Buck. Their fingers meet and for a second, Buck thinks it might have been unintentional until Eddie does it again, his fingers lingering this time. It’s a promise of things to come.

By the time the film ends Christopher is falling asleep on Buck’s shoulder.

“Alright, c’mon buddy, it’s school tomorrow,” Eddie says, picking up Christopher, “Say goodnight to Buck.”

“Night, Bucky,” Christopher says sleepily.

“Night superman,” Buck says, smiling as Eddie carries Christopher to his room.

He gets up from the sofa and makes his way to the kitchen, tidying up the empty popcorn bowl and putting the bottles in the recycling. It’s the least he can do.

He can hear Eddie reminding Christopher to brush his teeth and going through a series of reading choices. It’s remarkable how Eddie can split himself into so many roles. There’s Eddie, the unrelenting brave firefighter, Eddie the dad, Eddie the fighter, Eddie who kissed him like his life depended on it. It feels like he learns more about Eddie every week.

Buck starts washing up some dishes Eddie had left in the sink from what looked like dinner. When he was at his parents, washing up was always his chore but he liked the consistency of it; the repetitive motions that would let him just think for a moment. It was also a much better chore than taking out the rubbish.

Buck is still reticent, still a little uncertain on how this is all going to work; he’s waiting for the other shoe to drop. The Eddie he’s with today seems to want to be with him, is open to the idea and is instigating contact - which yes, he is most definitely into. However, can Eddie really have made his mind up that quickly?

He’s overthinking; he’s spiralling. He needs to just live in the moment, to embrace this for whatever it is. Even if it is a secret.

He realises that the fact it’s a secret does mean that he will have to walk things back with Maddie when they speak next; he’ll have to lie to her which hurts when he thinks about it. It isn’t the first lie though, it probably won’t be the last.

There are hands on his hips, fingers on the belt strap on his jeans. He allows Eddie to turn him around. They are so close.

“You didn’t have to do that,” Eddie says.

“Eh, it had to be done.”

“I’ve seen you leave dishes for days.”

“One time, Eddie, one time. If you remember I was on crutches then, I had to conserve my energy.”

“Excuses, excuses.” Eddie is even closer now. Buck can smell cologne; it’s fresh and light with hints of citrus. Eddie doesn’t usually wear cologne for movie nights; it’s a subtle signal of their changing relationship. Yes, it might be a secret for now, but Buck is slowly seeing that Eddie is trying, that he is going for this and it fills Buck with relief and happiness.

“I have wanted to do this all day,” Eddie whispers before meeting Buck’s lips.

“Yeah? You uh-been thinking of this, huh?” Their fingers are entwined and Eddie is kissing Buck’s neck.

“Mmhmm, drove me crazy. 24 hours on shift with you after _that_ and I couldn’t -“

“Me too.”

“Why don’t I show you?” Eddie asks; there’s almost a shyness, a vulnerability in his voice and Buck understands it because he feels the same.

“Go ahead,” he says before leaning to kiss Eddie again. “Maybe we should move somewhere else, huh?”

Buck could definitely get used to this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Buck and Eddie are together, yay, but when has a secret relationship ever run smoothly?  
> I hope everyone is keeping safe and looking after themselves in this very strange time!  
> You can also get in touch with me on tumblr now: [My Tumblr](https://lolabee20.tumblr.com/)


	8. Little Lies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has taken a little longer than I hoped but it’s here now! Thank you as always for all your comments and kudos, they really do keep me going with this!
> 
> As always I don’t own 9-1-1 or anything affiliated with it. The chapter title is from the brilliant song Little Lies by Fleetwood Mac <3 I again, very clearly, do not own anything to do with this either.

There are more logistics involved in a secret relationship with Eddie than Buck expected. It’s not his first secret dalliance; covert hook-ups are a sort of special skill of Buck’s he’s honed over the years.

However it’s more complicated with Eddie. They don’t want to put Christopher in a position of keeping a secret, they don’t want him to get his hopes up or worry about their changing dynamic. That means no sleepovers yet, or only sleeping on the sofa.

Buck doesn’t mind. He doesn’t.

Spending the night before making out with Eddie and then having to go home because Christopher woke up and asked why he was still here was fine with him.That was fine. Just fine.

Buck scowls slightly as he thinks of the moment he had to leave again; he’s not sure what he really expected but keeping this from Christopher, while sensible, does seem to add a tawdry edge to the whole affair. It feels wrong.

Secrets are meant to stay secret, after all.

The secrecy can be good; it can be make everything feel exciting and dangerous somehow . It makes every kiss, every touch more deeply intensified. Every gaze, every moment or gesture somehow takes on a new significance.

It is also a pain; a thorn in their ability to progress their relationship, to work out even what they are. There’s guilt and worry and anxiety. And yes, Buck knows that to some extent they always exist but the risk factors, the secrets they are a heavy weight to hold.

The stakes are high. Terrifyingly high. Their jobs, everything Buck has worked for could be on the line if they’re discovered.

So it makes sense, it’s logical to keep it to themselves. It’s mature; especially when they don’t even know what they are yet, or what they could be.

Eddie is his best friend and this development, while neither or them expected it, makes sense the more he thinks about it.

Buck wonders if he’s always maybe liked Eddie more than he should.

He’s meeting Maddie for a quick coffee before he starts his shift. Maddie is just coming off a night shift at the dispatch centre and has been complaining for days that they haven’t properly caught up.

Buck’s been avoiding her. He has to lie to his sister and he doesn’t want to.

They have had too many secrets already.

Maddie is already sitting in the coffee shop when he walks in. She’s sitting at the table, watching people coming in and ordering their morning caffeine hit, her hands are wrapped around her mug. There’s a cup of coffee opposite, waiting for him.

She looks tired; almost exhausted but there’s a calmness too. Buck was worried when she got suspended; he’d failed her again. He hadn’t noticed she was hurting.

She seems better now though, more comfortable somehow.

“Hey,” she says, standing up to give him a brief hug.

He leans into it. Buck will never, ever regret his sister coming back into his life.

“Hey sis, how was your shift? Thanks for getting the drinks.”

“Long.”

“I’m about to do a 24 hour shift, Mads.”

“You’re not up for the whole 24 hours though. Every time I come around the station, you’re goofing off.”

“That’s a lie. Last month when you came in to see Chim, which I noted by the way, I was cleaning the truck.”

“And the time after that you were working out with Eddie.” Eddie. Ah yes, the elephant in the room.

Buck takes a gulp of coffee.

“Speaking of Eddie-”

“Real subtle.”

“Thank you,” Maddie says perkily. “What’s the story there, Buck?”

Lying is like pulling off a plaster. Buck just needs to do this. “Nothing’s happening, Maddie. He uh- didn’t feel the same.” Buck feels like the worst brother in the entire world. He tries to remind himself that this is the right thing to do, even if it doesn’t feel like it.

He can’t ask Maddie to become part of a secret.

“What? No, I thought -” Maddie shakes her head. “Does this change anything on what we talked about?”

“I’m still bi or pan or - I’m not straight.” He will at least be honest about this because that would be a step too far. It reminds him of his call with his mum recently; he can’t tell her everything, but telling one truth? It makes a lie or omission more palatable.

Maddie smiles. “At least you know. Are you and Eddie okay?”

“Yeah, we’ll be fine. I mean, I was hardly head over heels, Maddie. I didn’t even realise I could feel that way so you can’t mourn what you didn’t even know you wanted.”

Maddie purses her lips together but nods slowly. “Well, if you’ve discovered more about yourself from this, are you going to put yourself out there? See if there’s a nice guy out there maybe?”

Buck squirms. “I’m, uh - not looking for anything right now. I think I just want to make sure I’m back. The last couple of years have been weird. I mean I’ve been hospitalised three times, I had Abby and then I didn’t, I met Ali and she left and - I don’t want to revert to my old ways. I’m kind of bored of dating apps, it’s just exhausting being on them.”

“You don’t need to be a monk though, like there’s a balance.”

“Are you really giving me sex advice?”

“I think we should just pretend that never happened,” Maddie teases. “I only want you to be happy.”

“I’m good, I have everything I need right now. If I meet someone, that’s awesome and I will go for it, okay?” Maybe I already have, Buck thinks, maybe I’ll be able to tell you soon.

Maddie smiles at him. “Good, because never quote me on this, but you’re a good guy. Any girl, or guy, would be lucky to have you.”

“I’m going to put that on my fridge and tell everyone you said it,” Buck teases as the two of them laugh. “I’ve got to go, but I’m glad we caught up.”

“Me too, even if you and Eddie didn’t quite get the ending I hoped for-“ He’d almost forgotten for a second about the lie.

“Yeah,” Buck says. “Have a good day, rest up you look like you need it,” he says, sticking his tongue out at her glare.

“Stay safe,” Maddie says.

Buck leaves the coffee shop and he hates the secret. He hates lying to Maddie. He gets it, he completely gets it. It’s a kindness; he’s ensuring she doesn’t have to lie to someone she loves. As weird as it is that Maddie has ended up with someone from his team, he likes Maddie and Chim together.

He just wishes there was another way. He wants everything; he wants Eddie, he wants the allure of a secret, and he doesn't want it to be a secret at the same time.

* * *

This woman is flirting with Eddie. It’s infuriating for a number of reasons; for a start she’s flirting with Eddie. Secondly, she’s flirting with Eddie. Eddie and not Buck. Okay, that is fine, because she definitely isn’t Buck’s type anyway but come on! Buck deserves a break; it’s always good to know he still has it.

Instead, Buck is standing, putting away the equipment from their call while this woman is virtually draping herself on Eddie.

Buck would also like it noted that he did a lot of the heavy lifting on this save; he worked out the way to get the woman out of her vehicle, Bobby and him made the whole thing possible but Eddie worked the jaws of life and so now he’s her hero.

Fucking hell.

“You’re like really strong,” she says. Buck swears Bobby is trying not to laugh in the corner. Eddie looks a little stricken; Buck wonders if it’s an act. It has to be. You can’t look like _that_ and not know how to deal with a little stealth flirting.

“Um,” Eddie says.

“You’re scowling,” Hen says, giggling a little. “Are you jealous?”

“No!”

“You’re lying. Is it because she’s not flirting with you?”

”She can flirt with whoever she likes,” Buck says breezily, packing the hose back into the truck. “We about done here? I’m starving.”

Hen looks at him, shakes her head and slowly the team start to make their way towards the truck, ready to head back.

Buck pretends he can’t see the woman trying to slip Eddie her number. In a way, he can’t blame her. He wonders if it’s more than jealousy though; maybe Hen was right.

He can’t help but smile a little when he sees Eddie scrunch it up and dispose of it when the woman isn’t looking.

Eddie meets his gaze and smirks. Buck rolls his eyes; he will never hear the end of this. 

* * *

They return to the station in good time and Bobby moves to prepare lunch. Buck sits at a nearby table with Hen and Chim as Eddie moves to the kitchen to get a drink.

Buck isn’t fully tuned into the conversation; it’s that weird moment where the adrenaline of a call starts to wear off.

He shakes his head and makes an effort to listen and engage with the conversation.

“I don’t know, man, she wasn’t really my type,” Eddie says, shrugging as he pours a cup of coffee. “Besides we were working.”

“C’mon Eddie, you’ve been off the horse for a while and-“ Buck can’t listen to this. He really can’t because there’s a part of him that is dying to say something and he knows how terrible that would be. Even if their faces would be pretty incredible.

Instead, he checks his phone because he can be casual. Reacting to this conversation would be a giveaway and neither of them can afford that.

He opens a text from Nate. He’s has been offered the job in LA he interviewed for. It feels like that was months ago but it was only a couple of weeks; things feel different now though. Hey, he’s got to give Nate his dues; he might have unintentionally helped Buck get together with Eddie.

Buck closes the message. In less than a month, he will have Nate in the same city as him for the first time since they were teenagers.

Maybe Nate is a loophole; he’s someone outside of the firehouse, with no connection to the 118 at all. Perhaps Buck could talk to him about this whole Eddie thing? It might help if he could just be honest with someone he cares about.

He doesn’t want this relationship to end up feeling tardy,

“If you’re not careful, you’ll end up as tragically single as Buck here,” Chim says. Buck really can’t listen to this.

There’s a pause.

Chim’s word sting though. “What’s that supposed to mean?” Buck asks, putting his phone down on the table.

“C’mon you’ve been single for a long time now and -“ It isn’t meant to but hearing someone say this out loud- one of his team.

Buck bites his lip, he doesn’t want to be that person, he doesn’t want to be dramatic or take things personally, not when things were just getting back to normal.

Is that what they all really think though? Is Buck now seen as some sort of single loser? Part of him, a very childish part, wants to start talking about just how much sex than them he’s probably had in his life despite being the youngest and - and the other part of him is just plain hurt.

Buck needs to stop doing this; he needs to stop baring his vulnerabilities like this. He needs to stop taking offence and just move on.

There’s a part of him that wants to go into why he hasn’t dated since Ali; it wasn’t to do with Eddie. Yes, him and Eddie might be on their secretive journey to something right now but that’s beside the point.

It isn’t right though; he needs to stop reacting, stop making everything about him.

Eddie catches his glance, scrunches his nose up as Buck guesses he is trying to work out what is going on with him.

He shrugs and smiles - everything is fine. Fine. Just fine.

“Buck, I need your help,” Bobby calls from the kitchen and Buck joins him, glad of the excuse to leave the conversation.

“Hey, can you chop those?” Bobby asks, pointing at a number of peppers.

Buck nods, washing his hands before he picks up the knife and begins to cut the vegetables.

“Chim didn’t mean anything by that, you know,” Bobby says casually and Buck realises that this conversation might be the only thing worse than his own introspective hurt.

“I know,” he says.

“You usually shake that sort of thing off.”

“I know, I know,” Buck says, “clearly just having one of those days. It’s not a big deal, Bobby, I swear.”

“How are you doing, Buck? Really?” Bobby probes.

“I’m good, I’m fine. Why?”

“We haven’t really spoken since your friend Nate came into town and we never did talk about you telling us about your parents.”

“It’s not a big thing, Bobby,” Buck says, wanting to stop this conversation in his tracks. He appreciates Bobby cares but he doesn’t need this right now; he just wants things to go back to normal. Normal was when no-one acknowledged Buck’s potentially problematic childhood. He prefers that.

“I know.”

“I didn’t even realise that I hadn’t told you. Honest.” 

“I know things got awkward a while ago, but that’s the past and I need you to know, Buck, you’re part of this team, I want you to be able to share things with us.”

“I know, don’t read into it all, Bobby. Everything’s fine.” Fine seems to be Buck’s word of the month now; a nice boring and predictable word.

“Okay, if you’re sure.” Bobby takes the full chopping board of sliced peppers from Buck and pours them into the pan. “I thought about it a lot after you told us, things started to make a lot more sense. I couldn’t help thinking about when you first joined the station and-”

“I called you Pops like twice, Bobby, please don’t read into it or turn it into something dramatic. It was me being an asshole not looking for a father figure. I promise.” It’s a half-truth which seem to be Buck’s speciality. It’s funny, everyone thinks he shares everything, that he wears his heart so openly on his sleeve and can’t keep a secret but Buck knows there are layers and layers of secrets he doesn’t even know how to unpack.

“I know you have your parents, and I’m really glad you found a good home. I’m sorry you didn’t have the easiest start though.”

“I was really lucky. I was such an asshole back then though, Bobby. You thought Buck 1.0 was bad, pfft, teenage Buck was a frigging nightmare.”

“Yeah?”

Buck’s said too much, he can sense it. “I was a teenager, pretty sure being horrible to my parents was the job description. Made them worry way too much.”

“That’s definitely part of the job description.”

“Has May heard back from any colleges yet? I know with Michael things must be really hard.”

“Yeah, she’s had a couple of acceptances through. Athena is over the moon because she got into her alma mater.”

“That’s awesome.”

They continue to make light conversation as they finish preparing lunch and Buck can forget about his insecurities or jealousy, or any of it. It’s nice.

It’s almost like it used to be.

* * *

“You were, you were,” Eddie says between laughs, “you were jealous.”

“Shut up, Eddie.”

It’s after their shift. Eddie is at Buck’s apartment, currently lounging on his sofa with Buck with the remnants of their lunch on the coffee table. Christopher is at school and as tired as they both are, they had to seize an opportunity to be together for just a while.

It’s the perfect salve to a long shift. Buck could get used to this.

“So was it because she was flirting with me, or because she wasn’t flirting with you?” Eddie asks suddenly.

“Both,” Buck grumbles as Eddie laughs again.

“Your face was a picture, man.”

It won’t do. Buck looks at Eddie, meets his gaze and turns his body, moving them so he’s over Eddie, each arm precariously perched on the edge of the sofa with Eddie between.

Buck leans in and deepens the kiss, feeling Eddie respond and pull him closer.

“Trust me, Buck, you had no reason to be jealous. I’m- I like this, I like us like this.”

“That’s great, Eddie, but that doesn’t help the fact she flirted with you, not me. I mean she was like, my age. You’re way older - and your hair is doing nothing for you right now.”

“Fuck off, it’s like five years, it’s nothing.”

“Whatever, old man.”

“What’s wrong with my hair?” Eddie asks, pulling away with a comically hurt expression on his face.

“I kinda liked it longer,” Buck says, “y’know, like when you first joined - that was hot. I mean, it’s not terrible.”

“I hate you,” Eddie mumbles, laughing, “should I grow it then?”

“I think now you’re out of your angsty fight-club phase, yeah.”

“Ouch, too soon, babe,” Eddie says, putting a hand on his heart in mock hurt. Buck loves this, he loves that they can still bicker and be like they used to.

“Christopher has a sleepover on Saturday,” Eddie says suddenly, as Buck moves his kisses down from Eddie’s mouth to his neck and the promise of more.

“Yeah?”

“We’re not on shift, you could- you could come over. Spend the night maybe?”

Buck stops kissing and meets Eddie’s gaze. “Like _stay the night_ stay the night?”

“Well, yeah, if you want to. It’d be nice to not have to kick you out, or me having to go home, just when things are just getting interesting.”

“You thought things were getting interesting, huh?” 

“Shut up,” Eddie says, shifting so they're both sitting up on the sofa.

“Careful, careful, Eddie. You don’t want things to get too interesting and then you have to bail again,” Buck teases.

Eddie shakes his head, buries his face in Buck’s neck and yeah- Buck’s definitely okay with things becoming more interesting.

“I don’t have to go yet,” Eddie mumbles.

Buck tries to think of something funny to say but Eddie’s mouth is on his and his hands are moving further down Buck’s body and Buck just wants - he just wants this moment to carry on, to not stop, he wants Eddie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed the chapter; poor Buck - keeping secrets isn't easy! I've seen a few fics where Eddie has been the jealous one so it was fun to turn that on it's head a little in this chapter.  
> I hope everyone is keeping safe and looking after themselves in this very strange time!  
> You can also get in touch with me on tumblr now: [My Tumblr](https://lolabee20.tumblr.com/)


	9. Ever The Same

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your lovely comments and kudos; they mean a huge amount and absolutely make my day, even more so than ever in this very fraught time.  
> As always, I don't own 9-1-1 or anything linked to it and the chapter title is from Ever the Same by Rob Thomas - I also don't own that.

here is something Buck misses from a relationship that isn’t secret. He likes being able to be out in public with someone; he is all about the grand gesture, the perfect date.

He knows it’s different; it’s complex with Eddie.

Buck isn’t a lovestruck teenager; he isn’t hung up on whether they’re officially boyfriends or whether they have a label. He doesn’t need a label; right now he’s only thinking of Eddie like that and he’s pretty sure Eddie feels the same way.

It would just be nice to go on a proper date with Eddie though.

He wants to woo him and be wooed back. It’s how he’s always been in relationships; he enjoys setting up dates, he is all about the grand gesture. It’s hard to do a grand gesture in secret though. He can hardly rent a hot air balloon for Eddie or take him to a fancy restaurant. He can’t even cook a romantic dinner with one of Bobby’s recipes.

He’s being unfair and petulant.

He wants to be able to reach out for Eddie’s hand in public though.

Secrets suck.

* * *

Saturday night comes around slowly. It reminds Buck of the wait for summer holidays as a child at school; how the last few days seemed to drag and drag. It’s an odd set-up: a date that’s not a date, because they’re not going out but that is also the first time they get to act like a couple, that it’s not secret trysts.

Buck isn’t sure how he’s supposed to dress, or what to expect. It’s his first almost date with a guy, his first almost date with Eddie. It’s a weird feeling; a sense that this isn't business as normal and yet it's Eddie. This isn't like a normal first date - he already knows Eddie, perhaps more than most do.

He arrives at Eddie’s shortly and knocks on the door.

Eddie opens the door and smiles at him. He’s wearing a nice shirt, but other than that is in reasonably smart jeans. It’s casual, but not casual all at once.

“Hey, come in,” he says, wrapping his arms around Buck as soon as the door is shut. He kisses Buck lazily, hungrily like he’s been holding back for days.

“Well that’s some hello,” Buck says as they pull apart.

“Mmm?”

Every now and then it strikes Buck that he’s kissing Eddie Diaz. _Eddie._ It’s a weird mix of heady, ridiculous and intoxicating. It’s weird how right it feels; especially after their years of friendship. He never wants to have to stop kissing him.

Buck wonders if Eddie ever feels the same; by the way Eddie is kissing him, pushing him against the wall of the hallway before they can even get into the living room, he thinks it’s a possibility.

“Can I smell burning?” Buck asks suddenly. There’s a definite waft of burning coming from the kitchen and no- has Eddie cooked for him?

“That’s from earlier, nothing to worry about right now,” Eddie says, casually working the buttons on Buck’s shirt and for a second Buck would be quite happy for Eddie’s place to go up in flames if it means he’ll carry on with what he’s doing.

But the smell is still there and Buck can't help thinking that if it smells like burning then there's a reason. “Did you cook?” he asks incredulously, grabbing Eddie’s hand instinctively and pulling him towards the kitchen.

“Well, I’m well aware that we can’t do a proper date easily just yet and so I thought I’d bring the date to you.” If Buck didn’t know better, he’d swear Eddie was blushing a little.

The kitchen table has a proper tablecloth on it and a candle. There is a bottle of wine is waiting and Eddie’s laid out the table settings. Buck notices the clean pots and pans draining by the sink, the open window and then there’s the burning smell still lingering.

“You cooked for me?”

“Yeah.” Eddie rubs his head and looks nervous. “I mean I tried, I’m not sure how well it turned out. I was distracted and well-” Eddie puts on an oven glove and takes out dish of what looks very burnt something. “I don’t think we can eat this.”

Buck looks at the blackened dish carefully. “I think you could be right.” He can’t believe Eddie tried to cook for him; his lack of prowess in the kitchen is well known in the 118. “I can’t believe that you tried to cook though. What, um, what was it meant to be?”

Eddie bites his lip. “Chicken - baked with a honey soy glaze or something, I don’t know. Look, I got distracted because I had to get Christopher ready and stuff and… I thought I had this.”

“Babe, you can’t cook at the best of times, you don’t need to make up an excuse. I really worry about Christopher’s diet.” Neither of them say anything about Buck's casual drop of babe, but Buck sort of likes how it sounded to call him that.

“We eat a lot of pasta and rice, I can cook those things. And cereal - cereal’s fine. Look, it’s not like I could ask Bobby to help out. Fuck man, this was meant be -”

“Special,” Buck says softly. It’s exactly what he would have done; albeit Buck doesn’t think he would cremated the chicken. Bobby’s taught him enough about cooking in the past few years to be able to create a passable date night dinner at this point.

Suddenly Buck doesn’t really care about the food; even though he skipped lunch to go to the gym. Eddie wanted to make it special; he wants this to work too.

“Takeout? Or I could - I could do pasta fairly quickly but that’s kind of boring. I’m less likely to burn it though, or we could-“

“I’m good with carbs. I like pasta, we could make it together? I mean, someone better make sure you don’t set fire to the place, because if we have to call another fire crew out then this whole thing will be everywhere by morning and then the whole bringing the date here will be pointless.

“You might have a point.”

Hours later when they’ve managed to drink three quarters of the bottle of wine, they’ve eaten pasta and their stomachs are full and heated kisses just aren’t enough any more, they move to the bedroom.

Even just getting to the bedroom involves furious kisses, each of them shedding the other’s clothing as they go. At one point Buck almost trips over one of Christopher’s toys as he tries to kick off his jeans and Eddie pulls him tighter towards him, one hand quickly reaching out for the wall to stabilise them.

“There’s no coming back from this, you know that, right? This is one of those whole points of no return,” Buck says because he needs Eddie to be sure, he doesn’t want to lose him. 

Eddie kisses him. “We’re already so far past that line though.”

He has a point, Buck thinks as he lets Eddie pull him onto the bed.

* * *

Buck wakes up in an unfamiliar bed and light streaming through thin curtains. There’s an empty space in the bed next to him where Eddie should be.

Buck sits up; why isn’t Eddie in bed? What time is it? He looks around the room, trying to remember where he left his phone so he can check the time. It’s is so empty; so devoid of Eddie. It’s perfunctory, unlike the rest of the apartment.

Buck thinks back to the night before; finally Eddie and him had the chance to spend a night together, to just be with each other without worrying about keeping it from Christopher or being discovered. They spend so much time together with work but this is different.

Has it freaked Eddie out?

Before Buck can get out of bed he sees Eddie leaning in the doorway, two mugs in his hands.

“Mornin’” Buck says, his voice still thick with sleepiness. “Is that coffee? For us?”

“Mmhmm.”

“I forgive your bad cooking; all is forgiven.”

Eddie chuckles, handing Buck the mug as he climbs back into the bed. ‘’You uh, sleep okay?”

“Mmhm, you?”

“You’re like a human radiator, you know that, right?”

“Are you trying to say I’m hot because… I am. That wasn’t news to you, right?”

“Shut up,” he says but Buck can see he’s trying not to smile.

“When’s Christopher back?”

“After lunch.” Eddie pauses and looks at Buck with something unreadable in his eyes. “So, um, we have some time.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Buck puts his coffee cup down on the bedside table. “Well, we better make the most of it, right?”

“My thoughts exactly.”

* * *

Nate has arrived in Los Angeles. Buck’s offered to go around and help them unpack on one of his rest day which happens to fall in the middle of the week. Moving is stressful enough without having to do it across states and with a new baby; Buck wants to be able to help them get settled; he thinks it might be a way to help Hannah to move on from his slight indiscretion at her wedding..

Hannah asked Buck lots of questions about LA neighbourhoods before they moved and he knows she would have done her own research on the side. The neighbourhood they’ve chosen is nice, one of the ones he recommended in fact. They’re renting a small house with a garden and Buck knows it will be a perfect home for Leo as he gets older.

He knocks on the door and Nate answers, holding Leo on his hip. It’s the first time Buck’s been able to actually see Leo in the flesh. He can’t believe Nate has a child - the same Nate he grew up with, the same Nate he saw through his emo phase.

“Hey,” Nate says cheerfully. “Come in, come in. You are officially our first proper guest.”

“I’m honoured,” Buck says, “this is for you guys, but I’ll hand it to Hannah because you have your hands full.”

Hannah is in the living room, checking something off a list. “Buck? Hi!” He hasn’t seen Hannah since the wedding, the reception specifically after she had found out he’d slept with her sister earlier in the day and that had definitely caused some tension at the party.

She’s smiling at him though so Buck thinks maybe enough time has passed now. “Nice place,” he says cheerfully. “It’s good to see you, Hannah.”

Hannah moves to give him a clumsy one armed hug. “You too, it’s been a while. Thank you for all your advice by the way.”

“No problem. Congrats on being head-hunted by the way, very fancy.”

“I do not feel grown up enough for this,” Hannah says cheerfully, leaning against the doorway.

“Yeah, I know that feeling.”

“However, you can tell Hannah got a pay rise, right? This place is nice. It’s a definite upgrade from our old apartment.”

Buck looks around the hallway and smirks. “So, firefighting officially does not pay enough. I guess it’s the pay-off for you know, being a hero and all.”

“Um, I’ve seen your apartment on Facebook, Buck, it’s hardly a cramped studio, is it?” Hannah says with a wry smile.

“I uh-”

“Don’t you have a balcony at your place? I seem to remember a balcony.” Nate asks as Hannah raises an eyebrow in the background, clearly trying to stifle a laugh. “We’re not doing too bad for two foster kids, huh?” Nate adds in a lower voice.

Not too bad at all, Buck thinks to himself.

“So, how can I help?” he asks, clapping his hands together.

* * *

Leo is fast asleep in Buck’s arms, his pudgy fingers wrapped around Buck’s.

Buck can’t reconcile the Nate in front of him with the person he grew up with. He can barely recognise either of them. They’re sitting in Nate’s house, drinking wine and Nate has a baby - an actual, human baby. They’re a long way removed from their past selves in this moment.

He longs for this. This is what he wants; family and that comfort with himself Nate exudes now. For a second, Buck immediately thinks of Eddie and Christopher.

“So, what’s the latest?” Nate asks, taking a gulp from his glass of wine.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, is the Eddie situation any better than ‘highly confused’?” Nate waggles his eyebrows and Buck can’t help laughing. “Or is Eddie still going to give me weirdly possessive death glares if I ever come and say hi?”

“Eddie didn’t glare at you anyway, Nate. He said you seemed okay.”

”Buck, he’s lying. Stop digressing.”

“There’s some clarity,” Buck says as casually as he can. He’s quite certain his grin is giving it all away though.

“Clarity, huh? From your grin, I’m guessing it’s good clarity.”

“Yeah.” Buck pauses and takes a sip of his drink. “It’s complicated though.”

“Isn’t it always?”

“Did you risk losing both of your jobs when you dated Hannah?”

“No, but like - you wouldn’t actually get fired, would you?” Nate asks.

“Probably, I mean it wouldn’t be the first time.”

“You’ve hooked up with other people in your station? Wait, are you saying you were fired?”

“No, no, no-one else I work with. Ergh, Nate, just ergh. I was technically fired for like, an afternoon or day… I may have borrowed the fire truck to hook up with someone. I may have done this twice.”

“You are shi- kidding me?”

“Hey, women liked the truck.”

“You -“

“It was a phase. I was working through my issues?”

“By sleeping with every woman you met? My wedding makes so much more sense now.” Buck raises his eyebrows. That definitely wasn’t his finest moment.

“I mean, not every single woman,” Buck says cheerfully, “I have some self-control.”

“You’re doing fine, you know that, right?” Nate says suddenly as though picking up on Buck’s mood change.

“What do you mean?”

“The way we grew up - look, I know you have your parents, but the stuff we went through before all of that, we’re doing pretty well to be where we are.”

Buck hates talking about it; this is the thing about Nate. Nate means a lot to him; he’s like a brother, but he’s a painful reminder too. He decides deflection is the best way forward. “Well, someone’s gotta be able to save your ass. I mean, how long until you set your kitchen on fire? Is this place in my station’s area?”

Nate chuckles then frowns. “So, you’re both risking your jobs pursuing this, huh? That’s for real?”

“I mean, only if they find out. It’s weird; you know, you’re the only person I’ve told, that I can even talk about this with. Maddie’s dating one of the guys in the firehouse - do you remember me introducing Chim? Anyway, that means I can’t tell her ‘cause I can’t ask her to be part of a secret like that.”

“Wait, I’m the only person you’ve told? Me?”

“Yeah,” Buck says, shrugging, “I spend most of my time with the station crew, I don’t have a lot of people that don’t crossover into that. I mean, until we reconnected I’m not sure I had many people not linked to work at all.” It sounds so pathetic when he says it that Buck instantly wants to retract the words

“Wow.”

“It’s the job,” Buck says, shrugging as carefully as he can with a sleeping baby in his arms. It’s hard to explain to someone who doesn’t work in that field. No one else can understand what Buck sees day in and day out.

He’s been wondering though, if maybe he needs more people outside of work though. Hen has Karen, Chim has Maddie, Bobby has Athena and the Grant family, Eddie has his family.

“I just can’t imagine it. I, however, work a boring office job so it’s a bit different. You don’t uh, build the same connections. You just get really annoyed at Brenda for not cleaning the coffee machine again.”

Buck laughs. “I’m glad you’re here, Nate.”

“Me too. So, tell me about this guy and what makes this worth the risk.”

How can Buck even begin to describe Eddie. “He’s great. When he first joined the station, I kind of gave him a hard time-“

“So you liked him back then?”

“Maybe, I didn’t know. I mean I was still hung up on Abby. It didn’t occur to me that I could like Eddie like that, he’s just been my best friend and I- I never saw this coming. I mean, it’s an adjustment, but I like the person I am with him. It’s weird though; like, it’s really good, _really good,_ but how do we know it’s right when we can’t even go on a date? I can’t tell anyone and - sometimes I think I’ve had enough of secrets.”

“I get that.”

“But it’s Eddie,” Buck says, because at the end of the day that’s all that matters, right? It’s Eddie and the fact it’s a secret and it’s complicated fades away because none of it means anything if it means he can have this with his best friend.

“Yeah? Man, you’re falling hard.”

“Shut up, Nate. You know, I thought you’d be weirder about this; me being with a guy, being bi. I mean, I’m still getting my head around it all and we’ve just exchanged a few messages since the wedding and now you’re here and I just spring my sexuality crisis on you and you’ve barely batted an eyelid.”

“Why, Buck? It’s — all I care about is you’re happy and you’re doing okay. Was it a bit of a surprise at first? Maybe, but that’s just because you were so like- you were a player, man! We both remember my wedding, right?”

“Don’t remind me.”

“I don’t think Hannah’s dad has ever been the same,” Nate says lightly.

Here’s the thing; the problem really wasn’t that Buck had slept with Hannah’s sister at the wedding - she was in her early thirties, unmarried and they’d both been more than willing participants. The drama had been when someone had found them in the bathroom.

It was a definite Buck 1.0 move. In fairness to him, he had just found out he was being posted to the 118 and that he’d passed the fire academy so he did deserve a celebration. Plus Nate, the same Nate he’d grown up, was getting married?

“I said don’t remind me, I mean really, Nate? In front of Leo?”

Buck thinks back on those days with mixed feelings; he simplydoesn’t like who he was then. He just wanted to be connected with someone; he hated being alone.

“Anyway, what I mean is that I just - I’m glad you’re happy. We both deserve that. I’ve been worried about you, especially when we stopped talking for so long.”

“You were worried? Aw, you care.”

“Oh, shut up,” Nate says, gently reaching for Leo to clasp his finger. “So, when do we meet him?”

Buck looks up in surprise. “What?”

“Buck, you just said that the secret’s hard, that it means you’re not sure if you really work-“

“I didn’t say it like that,” Buck says defensively and a little too loudly as Leo stirs slightly. Buck quickly moves to gently rock him.

“Semantics; it was inferred. Look, you said you can’t tell your sister, can’t tell your friends at work, but I’m not in the 118. Hannah and I barely know anyone in this city. So bring him over next time, let me see if he passes muster.”

Buck shakes his head, laughs softly. Maybe it’s what they need though, an opportunity and chance to be together and not worry.

“I’ll think about it,” he says. He can see the scene so clearly though; him introducing Eddie to Nate properly, being able to even just put a hand on Eddie’s back in public without panicking.

It’s weird; Eddie and him are still so early in whatever they are, but it feels stronger than any of his hook-ups ever did - maybe even more than Abby and Ali. It feels real even though it is so new.

He’s going to mess this up; he just knows it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can also get in touch with me on tumblr now: [My Tumblr](https://lolabee20.tumblr.com/)


	10. Unsteady

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, you know how the last couple of chapters have been a little softer? Your regular angst service is making a special appearance now. Sorry?   
> Also, sorry for the delay in getting this chapter out; it’s a weird time and I’ve struggled to write the past couple of weeks. This chapter in particular has felt more difficult, perhaps as it’s been something I planned from the start. For those who know about my various references to shoes dropping - sorry, this isn’t the shoe I was referring to!  
> Please see end notes for the trigger warnings in this chapter.  
> The title from this chapter is from the X Ambassadors song Unsteady. I don't own it or anything to do with it. I also don't own, or claim to, anything to do with 9-1-1 or its associated characters, etc.

There are several moments in the call that raise Buck’s alarm bells; that create a gnawing sensation in his stomach.

It sounded like a standard call at first; an unattended kitchen pot causing a fire that’s starting to spread in the house. It was relatively still small when they got there though; controllable and if the next few minutes go well, everyone’s going to survive this and they’ll have the fire out shortly.

Buck opens the wardobe door open with ease; this room isn’t too bad and the fire hasn’t spreadinto this room yet. The child is young, maybe only seven or eight, it’s hard to tell and is holding a mobile phone in his hands.

“I’m sorry,” the boy says. “I forgot, I forgot. I’m really sorry.”

“Hey, it’s okay. It’s okay. My name’s Buck, what’s yours?”

“Robbie.” He can’t be older than six or seven, staring at Buck with tear filled eyes and a truly forlorn expression.

“Okay Robbie, let’s get you out of here, okay?” Buck reaches his arms out.

“Is the whole house-“

“No, no, but let’s get you outside so we can make sure you’re alright and then we’ll put the fire out, okay?”

“I’m really sorry.” 

“Don’t worry, it’s going to be fine, come on, let’s get you out of here.”

He picks up the kid and makes his way out of the house, a sinking feeling in his gut.

They extinguish the flames, safe in the knowledge everyone has been rescued out of the house safely. Technically it’s a win but Robbie’s words are haunting Buck; he can’t stop them repeating in his mind.

“And you thought my cooking was bad,” Eddie says in a low voice as the two of them begin to put equipment back in the truck.

“Huh? Yeah,” Buck says, knowing his reaction is wrong. He’s meant to laugh or hell, maybe even blush or something. He’s meant to respond properly but he can’t take his eyes off the scared child sitting on the edge of the ambulance, can’t forget his words when Buck carried him out.

“Buck?” Eddie asks, reaching to touch his arm - something he’s been reticent to do recently. It isn’t like it’s a new gesture, they’ve always been more tactile but now there’s something behind that and such high stakes if it goes wrong.

“I wanna check on the kid - Robbie.” Buck makes his way back to the ambulance where the boy is sitting, his legs swinging in the gap and a shock blanket wrapped around him.

They’ll check him for smoke inhalation but it could have been so much worse.

“Hey Robbie, so you’re kind of a hero, huh?” he says, “you called 911? That was really good.”

“Am I in trouble?”

“What? No, you’re going to the hospital, gotta get a hero like you checked out.’

“I’m not going to jail?”

“Jail, no. No, not at all. Why do you think you’d-“

He knows.

It’s hard to explain how he knows, but he just does. It’s instinctive, a heady mix of past and present, of who he could have been and who he was. Nausea rises in his throat and he needs to get a grip of himself.

Hen looks at him and Buck swallows before he speaks. “Were you using the oven?”

“Mom was sleeping… or - no, no, she was sleeping.”

“Does uh, your Mom sleep a lot?”

“Sometimes.”

“Does that mean you have to cook a lot?”

“I was hungry. I’m sorry.” The kid looks so dejected, so broken that it pulls at every string in Buck’s heart. “Please don’t send me to jail.”

“Okay, okay. This wasn’t your fault, you know that, right? You called 911 and you did everything right. Now my friend Hen here’s going to finish checking you’re okay, alright? She’s really cool, I promise.” 

He exchanges a careful look with Hen who has raised her eyebrows at Robbie’s explanation of the fire. Hen shakes her head and then transforms her expression into her best ‘Mum’ face and turns her attention to Robbie. 

Buck looks over at Robbie’s mother who is currently arguing with Bobby and Athena. As he gets closer he can hear snippets, words like overreaction and stove pots and burnt pans and just needing to take a phone call for five minutes. Her voice sounds a little off somehow and as he walks a little closer, he realises why.

Buck swears he’s watching a scene from his childhood play out in front of him - one of those almost moments at least. It never quite got to a kitchen on fire when he was a kid - Maddie would never have let that happen while she was there. The rest of it though? Buck remembers that all too well. He can see the telltale marks on her arm and as he looks over to Robbie sitting on the edge of the ambulance, he feels furious.

“Are you kidding me?” he says and it’s involuntary, he swears it. He knows he isn’t supposed to say anything, that he should leave it to Athena because anyone - anyone - can see what’s happening and he knows Athena will know. He’s so angry though.

“Buck-”

“No, are you actually effin’ kidding me?” Buck is glad he remembers there is a child in earshot and mentally censors himself.

“Buck?” Athena sounds annoyed, confused but that isn’t Buck’s problem.

“What the hell were you thinking, huh? He’s a kid!”

“Buck, let’s give everyone some room and-“

“No, Bobby, this is - I’m sick of this.”

“What could I have done? It was an accident.”

”Gee, I don’t know, maybe you could try being a parent. How about that?”

“Buck!” Bobby’s tone cuts through the clouds and fog filling Buck’s mind and he feels strong hands behind him, pulling him away.

He may have really screwed up this time.

* * *

Bobby doesn’t say a word the entire way back to the station, no one does. When the truck pulls into the firehouse and the engine is turned off, he turns around and looks at everyone.

“You were completely out of order,” Bobby says. He doesn’t raise his voice; he doesn’t need to, Buck can hear how furious he is. “You were acting like - like you were back in your probation days. Not only that you caused a scene and embarrassed the entire house, risked all of our reputations.”

Eddie tentatively presses his knee against Buck’s. Buck’s really in for it for this time, isn’t he?

“She was high,” Buck says fiercely. “You saw that right? She was high out of her freaking mind.”

“Do you think I didn’t know that, Buck? You really think I didn’t see that?” Bobby says, before sighing heavily.

For a second, Buck feels shamed thinking of Bobby, who of all people would have strong feelings about that case, and how he was able to keep himself together.

“It isn’t our job to judge anyone, to decide who is and who isn’t worth saving. I thought you knew this.”

“He’s just a kid, he could have died.”

“And his mother will carry that for the rest of her life,” Bobby says and Buck knows what he’s referring to.

“No, no she won’t,” Buck says and he doesn’t know why but his voice sounds thick and the cab is blurring. “She’ll say she’s sorry, say it’ll never happen again and she’ll even go to a couple of meetings, say how much progress she’s made. She’ll get custody back and he’ll think it’ll be different for all of five minutes and then next you thing you know she’ll be out getting high. I swear it.”

“Buck-” Eddie says but falters.

Buck can’t stop. He knows he should, but he’s so angry and upset and the connection between his brain and mouth seems completely severed. “That kid is never gonna get a break-“

“Social services are going to respond; his social worker -“ Hen says gently.

“It doesn’t matter. That kid is going to get lost between the cracks. Why am I the only one who can see it?”

“Buck, you don’t know that.”

“I do. I was that fucking kid, Bobby. Don’t you dare say I don’t know where he’ll end up because I know his path better than anyone in this damn truck.”

There’s a deathly silence and once again Buck wants the ground to swallow him up.

Shit.

He’s said too much. He can’t take this back, can’t chalk it up to adrenaline or just mouthing off. Maddie will kill him. He’s just vomited their childhood up into the truck with no thought.

“My office now!”

* * *

For a moment, neither Bobby or Buck speak. Bobby sits in his chair, pinching his fingers between his brow and Buck stands in the doorway for too long.

“Come in, Buck, close the door and sit down.“ Bobby sounds tired, exhausted; this clearly is a conversation he doesn’t want.

Buck knows he has to say something but he feels like he’s lost the ability to speak, like his mouth is full of cotton wool after what he just said that in the truck.

He thinks he might cry and he hates himself for it.

“She’s an addict,” Buck says slowly. “My birth Mom. You might have worked that one already though. I mean, surely you’ve wondered why Maddie and I ended up in the system in the first place?”

“You didn’t tell me that, you’ve never mentioned -” Bobby turns away but Buck can hear the suffocating mix of hurt and shame in Bobby’s voice.

“Yeah and looking at your face, I suddenly remember why. I messed up, Bobby, again. I get it and I’m sorry but we don’t have to do this talk right now. I won’t do it again. Okay?”

Addiction is a messy topic. Buck knows that more than most; he understands the urge to self-destruct, to seek refuge in anything else. He really wasn’t joking when he self-diagnosed himself as a sex addict to Bobby those years ago. It was a way to vocalise that utterly self-destructive, desperately lonely part of him he wanted to keep at arm’s length.

Addiction has always been a fear of Buck’s. He hates feeling powerless so the idea of a loss of control, of not being able to cope without something? Of getting fired because he left a shift and took a firetruck to have sex? That was surely the very definition of addictive behaviour.

Buck doesn’t know what to say to Bobby at this moment, how to bring the conversation back to normal; he tries to pull at his thoughts but they’re tendrils of smoke floating just out of reach. Bobby will be reading into everything and he’s probably suffering himself.

They all have demons; Bobby manages to keep his under control 99.99% of the time however and Buck’s not sure he will ever learn that.

“She wanted the high - maybe she needed it, I don’t know; it didn’t really matter what she took,” Bucks says after a moment’s careful thought. “She always chose the high, over money for groceries or bills - Maddie said the power and water was always out. She always chose the high, over us. Over me.”

“I didn’t know that.”

“I know, I didn’t tell you on purpose because I know - I didn’t want to upset you.”

“Buck-”

“I just thought if I was really good, maybe I could fix her and we could go home properly, because they didn’t terminate her parental rights for years, y’know, so every time she got sober or tried there was this hope for like, a week. I just thought maybe I could be good enough and she’d want to get better. That or at least Maddie and I would get adopted by a benevolent billionaire. Ideally Iron Man. I really wanted it to be Iron Man.” Buck swallows.

“How’d that work out?“ Bobby asks,

“She stayed an addict and Iron Man stayed in the comic books.” Buck exhales. “It’s all good. I ended up okay.”

“Buck -“

“I’m fine. I’m sorry I reacted.”

”You remember what I said when you started out? We have to leave our own baggage at the door, it hurts like hell some days. I’m sorry you went through that,” Bobby says softly, “I really am, but when you’re at work -”

“I know, I know. I don’t know what happened, okay? We’ve had calls like that before, I don’t know why this one was so bad.” Buck puts his head in his hands. “I’m sorry, I’m really sorry.”

“I just want to understand why you reacted, what triggered you?”

There are a number of theories that have been bubbling in Buck’s mind since the outburst; the way Robbie reminded him so much of Buck at that age, the fact that between Nate’s move to LA and Buck telling his team about his upbringing it feels like the Pandora’s Box of his childhood is exploding open every hour of every day.

“I don’t think it was any one thing. I promise it won’t happen again though.”

“Maybe you should set up a session with one of the therapists; talk things through. If you’re-“

“I dealt with my Mommy issues a long time ago, Bobby.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“I’m okay, Bobby, I swear. Look, if you think I’m acting like this again or I react - or think about reacting, I’ll book an appointment, I promise.”

“Therapy isn’t a punishment.“

“I just got back.” That’s what it comes down to really, isn’t it? Buck didn’t endure a truck on his leg, a pulmonary embolism - he didn’t survive a tsunami just to have his job jeopardised again because he got emotional on a call. It can’t happen. “Don’t bench me again. Please, Bobby.”

“Buck,” Bobby says, his tone softer now, “it’s not about that, I’m not benching you but I want to make sure you’re okay, that’s all.”

Bobby won’t leave it alone, Buck knows that. “I’ll think about it, okay? I’ve never reacted before, it won’t happen again.”

There’s a pregnant pause and Buck watches Bobby massage his temples.

“I won’t force you this time, but if I get the slightest hint of you being affected at a scene, you’re benched and it’s mandatory, okay?”

Buck nods, relief coursing through his body. He thinks of the team outside, of Eddie who just witnessed that episode and sighs. It isn’t over yet.

* * *

Eddie doesn’t ask Buck about his outburst. Everyone on the team seems to be giving Buck a little extra space and Buck hates it. He isn’t fragile, he’s never been porcelain. This - this is why he doesn’t talk about things.

The shift is almost over and everybody else is in the bunks trying to get some sleep. Buck’s restless though and now he’s woken up from his otherwise peaceful slumber he knows that he won’t be able to sleep again.

Carefully and quietly he makes his way to the kitchen and starts to make himself a cup of coffee. For a few minutes, there’s just silence. He sips his coffee, reads a couple of news articles on his phone and takes in the peaceful atmosphere of the station. He’s pretty sure it’s unusual that a workplace can feel more like home than his own apartment, but it does.

There’s the sound of footsteps and Buck looks up to see Eddie in front of him. His hair is messy, he’s rubbing his eyes in the frowsy way Buck’s recently learnt that Eddie always wakes up.

“Morning,” he says softly. “Coffee?”

Sometimes it’s hard to forget they’re at work, they’re at work and a secret and even when Eddie’s looking at him like this, Buck has to keep his cool.

“I’ll get it. Shouldn’t you be sleeping?”

“Woke up and it’s almost light out, couldn’t go back to sleep. You?”

“Heard you get up.”

“Sorry.”

“I was half awake anyway.” Eddie pours himself a cup of coffee and sits next to Buck. His leg is pressing against his; it’s warm and solid and somehow grounding - he could get used to this.

“Are we going to talk about it then?” Eddie asks.

“About what?” Buck says, talking a gulp of his drink. “Chim’s haircut? Not a fan.”

Eddie raises an eyebrow, his hands slightly raised in what now must be his patented ‘are you kidding me’ look. It’s a look that Eddie seems to save most for him

“I’ve never seen you react like that on a shift.”

“Yeah, not my best moment, was it?”

“It wasn’t that bad,” Eddie says softly, “I mean, you didn’t throw anything or swear at the woman, so I don’t think Bobby’s going to be putting it in his report.”

“Nah, he’s been cool about it. It’s just embarrassing; we get calls like that all the time.”

“So what was different?” Eddie asks. Unlike with Bobby, Buck wants to answer, wants to provide a clear explanation.

“I haven’t spoken about my childhood in a really long time and the past few months, I’ve talked about it more than ever before. I guess it’s been more in my mind than it used to be. I remember Nate said that perhaps I’d subconsciously not told any of you about it. I think he was right. I’m not hiding some tragic past but you don’t end up in the system for the heck of it, y’know.”

Eddie doesn’t say anything but Buck feels him gently squeeze his hand under the table.

“So your birth mom was -”

“Not in a good place? Yeah. Maddie always made sure things like setting me the house on the fire didn’t happen though.”

“You know you can tell me stuff if you want to, right? Or not.”

“I know,” Buck says before pausing, he’s not sure what to say. “Hey, I forgot to ask you; Nate’s having a small housewarming next week; barbecue and a few people around. It’s very casual, but uh - do you want to go with me?”

“Like a date? Together?” Eddie asks in a low voice, carefully looking around the station. It’s three am, unless the alarm goes off this is as private as the house will ever get.

“It’s not a date, Eddie. My romance game is way better than a free barbecue at a friend’s, give me some credit.”

“Nate knows?”

“You gave him the death glare when he turned up here - he almost had his house exorcised!”

Eddie shakes his head, trying to stifle laughter. “It’s the first time we’ll go to something as - well -”

“Whatever we are? Yeah. You down with that?”

“Yeah, yeah, I think I am.”

Eddie’s trying. Buck’s filled with a sudden need to open up to him; to return the effort. He knows what a big step this is, so why not do the same? He can share something. He has to.

“She wasn’t always high, or a mess, that was the worst part,” Buck says finally after a moment’s thought. “I had so much false hope and Maddie kept trying to warn me - she tried to protect me.”

‘’I’m sorry.”

“Me too. Everything worked out okay in the end.”

“Where is she now?”

Buck pauses. “I don’t know. I’m not even sure if she’s alive, honestly, how fucked up is that?”

“Not at all.”

“When I was on TV the first time after a save, I remember thinking that maybe she’d see it. Stupid, like a local TV show would be shown out of state but - anyway - we should try and get some sleep.”

At that moment the alarm sounds. They instantly get out of their chairs, stepping away from each other as if they received an electric shock. They can hear the ruckus of the rest of the firehouse scrambling to get out of bed and go and the two of them make their way to join them, to go do their jobs.

“Five hours,” Eddie says, “just five hours left.”

“Now you’ve jinxed it!” Buck exclaims, jokingly raising his hands in the air. 

The atmosphere has changed now; it's charged with the adrenaline of a call. Buck's got this; he's going to be fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: This chapter contains references to parental drug addiction and child neglect- the latter is not in any particularly graphic detail but it’s heavily implied and discussed throughout the chapter - and the impacts thereof. If that is a difficult topic for anyone, please exercise appropriate caution with this chapter.


	11. I Think He Knows

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your lovely comments and kudos; they mean a huge amount and absolutely make my day.  
> I'm sorry there was such a wait for this chapter; writers' block, huh? However I'm feeling inspired and looking forward to the next plo points in this fic.  
> As always, I don't own 9-1-1 or anything linked to it and the chapter title is from I Think He Knows by Taylor Swift - I also don't own that. Obviously ;)

It isn’t that Buck’s been avoiding Maddie per se. Eddie has, almost naturally, been taking up an awful lot of his spare time to date. However, if he’s honest, Buck has maybe not avoided but hardly encouraged the usual hangouts with his sister. In part this is definitely because it feels deeply uncomfortable to continue lying to his sister about Eddie and Eddie permeates so much of his life at the moment.

Even an innocuous question like ‘how was your weekend?’ opens up lie after lie. This part of a secret relationship is easily the worst because they’re not supposed to have any secrets. That was always the deal.

And okay, yes, Buck has definitely kept some things back from Maddie over the years. It’s a mix of things she didn’t need to know and things she really didn’t need to know.

The thing is, this doesn’t feel right, or healthy.

For three years he had no contact with Maddie because of her secrets and then she came back into his life and it was a fresh start, a second chance. They’re so fucking rare, he should cherish that.

Eddie isn’t a secret he wants to keep from his sister.

On the other side, he also wants to keep his job. It’s more than important to him; he’s risked everything time and time again to be with the 118. He can’t jeopardise that.

He walks into the coffee shop, mentally preparing himself with a list of safe topics for Maddie.

She’s already there - Maddie’s always been a believer that on time is late whereas Buck naturally views time in a more languid, luxurious way. He knows he has to keep to time, but not in the military way that Maddie does.

She did that even before Doug. It’s worse now though.

Chim is good for her though; anybody can see that and his sister is so strong, so brave.

“Buck,” she calls cheerfully as he heads for the counter to order a coffee, “I already ordered for you.” She’s also a brilliant sister.

Buck joins her at the table and grins. “Hey sis.”

“I got you one of those healthy, disgusting lattes you love. The turmeric one with oat milk?” Maddie scowls.

“Thanks, Maddie.”

“I swear I will never get used to LA.”

“You’ve gotta embrace it,” Buck says, grinning widely, “it’s a whole mood.”

”So, anyway tell me what’s new. You’ve not been around as much. Have you met someone?“ Maddie asks, the same overexcited look in her eyes Buck used to see when he was a kid.

“Nah, y’know, just - same old, same old.” Which was obviously code for spending almost all spare time with Eddie.

“You’re off this weekend, aren’t you?” Maddie says, “Why don’t you go out and meet someone?”

“Yeah, I’m uh - hanging out with Nate.”

“Oh. I guess, I just worry that after the whole Eddie thing -“

“I’m fine, we’re fine, everything’s good.”

“Good, I’m glad. I’m allowed to worry. You’re a great guy, Buck, I want you to be happy.”

Buck rolls his eyes and Maddie laughs.

“I’m happy. I’m back at work in a job I love, I’ve got my sister in L.A, I- I’ve got everything I need.”

Maddie looks unconvinced but thankfully drops the subject. They talk for the rest of the time about work, about their parents upcoming wedding anniversary. It’s pleasant and for a moment Buck can forget he’s had to lie to his sister.

* * *

It’s the first time they’ve got to be together in public. It’s such a small thing, but somehow this moment is the one that is making it all real at last.

Eddie straightens his shirt slightly as he leans against his truck, raising an eyebrow at Buck. “Do I pass muster?”

“Eh,” Buck shrugs noncommittally, “you’ll do.”

Eddie looks good; the shirt he’s wearing compliments his and shows off Eddie’s build. Buck’s instantly reminded of when he first saw Eddie, which typically was Eddie changing shirts. Was he attracted to him at that moment? Buck remembers feeling so out of sorts, so challenged by Eddie just being there because he was good looking and smart and annoyingly competent. Buck had just made it through probation, he’d got used to the team - he hadn’t wanted someone coming in and throwing the balance off, especially not someone who looked like Eddie.

They’re standing in front of Nate’s house. It’s a warm, sunny afternoon and perfect weather for Nate’s barbecue. Buck can’t deny he’s a little nervous - Eddie and Nate have hardly ever spoken and Eddie was apparently glaring at Nate for the entirety of their first and last meeting.

It’s not just that though; Nate knows the non-118 side of Buck. Eddie’s heard of Buck 1.0, but Nate saw it first hand. Buck almost ruined Nate’s wedding reception after all. Then there’s the ghosts - Nate knows the ghosts even Maddie doesn’t know about. They share the same ghosts. Buck needs to keep those in the past. But so does Nate.

He leans against the body of the car and exhales slowly. “Let’s do this then.” It feels a little like walking into a fire - this is the first time ether Buck has been out in public and although it’s Nate and that helps, he can’t help but worry.

“Okay, one moment.”

Eddie looks around for a moment before kissing Buck. It starts off sweet, chaste even but in moments changes. Eddie pushes against Buck who positions one hand against the car to keep his balance. Their kiss is desire with a steadfast trust. It’s grounded and utterly reckless. Eddie and Buck can feel so completely contradictory and yet so complementary at the same time. That’s new to Buck.

These moments - they’re significant. It’s always the small, brief moments of connection you miss when you’re separated.

“We should go,” Eddie says calmly, “we should go before we end up not going at all.”

“I’m open to that suggestion. We could go back to mine - it’s closer and y’know we could just -”

“I thought it was really important I met your friend, Buck. Imperative was the word you used.” Buck looks away for a moment before Eddie softly adds, “Hey, it’s gonna be good, Buck. We’ve got this.” It occurs to Buck in that moment that maybe Eddie is also nervous. 

They walk up to the porch and Nate answers the door quickly; Leo balanced on his hip. Somehow Leo has got even cuter; all dimples and curls.

“Hey Buck,” Nate says cheerfully, “and it’s good to see you again, Eddie.”

“Thanks for inviting us,” Buck says. He still can’t quite believe him and Eddie are an us now. Are they an us? He can feel the sudden heat of anxiety spiralling because technically him and Eddie - they’ve never needed to talk about how to define themselves to others. That’s the beauty of a secret, right?

It’s fine, Buck tells himself and Eddie doesn’t seem phased.

“Cool, I’m glad you made it. Come through, you guys want a beer?”

“’Definitely.”

* * *

The garden has completely transformed from when Buck was last here. They’ve put pots of bright flowers on the decked area and with people in the garden, it feels like a real home now. He’s so pleased for Nate, that Nate got exactly what he needed from his life.

Hannah is leaning by the grill, laughing with a friend. She smiles when she sees them walking over and Buck can see what a good pair her and Nate make.

They make their way towards Hannah.

“Hey Hannah,”Buck says before going to introduce Eddie, “this is - uh - my - this is? Eddie?” What the hell is wrong with him?

“Eddie? Nice to meet you, I’m Hannah.”

“Hey, good to meet you too.” Eddie is clearly trying not to make a face or laugh at Buck’s failed introduction.

“We can work on that,” Buck whispers, glaring at Nate who’s clearly shaking his head in the background.

“So smooth, Buck, I swear,” Eddie says quietly.

“Screw you.”

Eddie laughs and doesn’t reply but he squeezes Buck’s hand and doesn’t let go for several moments.

“How old is he?” Eddie asks.

“He’s just over eight months now,” Nate says, the pride radiating through his voice, “he’s meant to be having a nap but-“

“That’s kids for you.”

“Buck said you’ve got a son,” Nate says suddenly. Buck knows what’s coming, he knows this is the feigned casual ‘who are you really?’ conversation.

“Yeah, - Christopher. He’s nine.” Whenever Eddie talks about Christopher, his face lights up. He scrolls through his photos and shows Nate and Hannah a photo of Christopher. It’s from a week or so ago, where the three of them had taken Christopher to the movies. 

“He’s cute,” Nate says.

It seems to be going well; Buck exhales in relief.

An hour or so later, Eddie and him make their way to the nearby table to eat their food. They’ve spent their time talking to Nate and Hannah and their friends. Buck wasn’t sure what he had expected from people when they realised that Eddie and Buck weren’t just two of Nate’s friends but were together too. It’s been fine though; there aren’t too many people and it’s been a reassuring experience. Buck’s managed to introduce Eddie more smoothly.

“Did you think it’d feel like a bigger deal?” Eddie asks, almost reading Buck’s mind, cheerfully diving into his food.

“I guess. I mean, I probably built it up in my head, thought it’d be a whole thing.”

“Me too. It feels almost anticlimactic, right?”

“Guess I was making everything about me again,” Buck says flippantly.

“What?” Eddie looks horrified and Buck wishes he could rewind the moment instantly. “What are you talking about?”

“I uh- y’know, you said that time - I mean, you were right.”

“Slow down, Buck. Where did you get that idea from? What are you talking about? ”

“Uh, well,” Buck looks at his plate, “y’know you said at the grocery store that I was -”

He sees the moment the memory comes back to Eddie. “I was being a dick.”

“Yeah, but you had a point.”

“No, I was taking out my shit on you. Look, I was pissed off because it felt everyone leaves and I didn’t get why you were doing what you were with the lawsuit. I can’t lie, the Shannon part sucked and it hurt me to think you’d talk to some lawyer about that, but we’re past that. Right? I mean - I was just being an ass, you’ve not held on to this, have you?”

“Of course we’re past it.” The thing is he has been holding on to it; it’s part of why his realisation of his feelings for Eddie felt so complicated.

“Look, you realise I literally did the exact thing that I accused you of, right? I made your lawsuit all about me in that grocery store,” Eddie says plainly.

“Well -“ Buck pauses because Eddie is right. He’s thought the same thing before but he’s been so glad to have his friends and job back he didn’t want to make a thing of it.

Hannah and Nate come over and join Eddie and Buck at that moment. Buck’s never been so glad to see them.

“How’s the food?” Nate asks. His tone is casual but Buck can see the slight worry.

“It’s fine, sweetheart,” Hannah says. “So Eddie, Buck said you’re from Texas?”

“Yeah, El Paso. My abuela and aunt live around LA though so that helps a lot with Christopher.”

“How do you do it?” Hannah asks, “how do you keep it a secret at work?”

“I mean, it’s fairly easy, right?” Eddie says, looking at Buck who nods in response.

“We’ve been friends since after your first shift and we’ve always been a good team and hung out off shift, so I don’t think anyone’s noticed anything’s changed,” Buck says thoughtfully after a moment.

Eddie nods in agreement. “Is that weird?”

“Probably.”

”So how long have you known Buck again?“ Eddie asks Nate, “Buck said since you were kids?”

“Oh yeah, since we were what?” Nate pauses, “Maybe nine or ten?”

“Mmhmm,” Buck says, swallowing his food. “We were in the same home for a while but we stayed in the same school afterwards so it worked out. I think it was probably when we went to different colleges and everything that we fell out of contact a bit, but now you’re in LA. I mean, before you moved the last time I saw you was the wedding.“

All of a sudden, Buck feels a familiar ache in his leg, he stands up for a moment and tries to subtly stretch the leg before sitting back down.

“Leg?” Eddie asks, a look of concern on his face.

“Yeah, but it’s fine. It’s just a cramp. Overdid it in the gym probably.”

“When are you getting the hardware out?”

“There weeks from now - doc said it might even fix the blood thinners.”

“That would be awesome.”

“I still can’t believe you didn’t tell me what had actually happened, Buck. We could have come down and helped.”

“You were in Seattle and having a baby. I had people; I had Bobby and Maddie, I had loads of people, plus Eddie -and for a couple of weeks, Ali,” Buck adds without thinking.

Eddie makes a face. Buck guesses it’s always awkward to accidentally bring up your ex in conversation.

“It was a lot for her to handle,” he says softly, knowing Eddie’s always hated how Ali broke up with Buck.

“You were the one who was injured and she waited like two weeks after you got out and then broke up with you.” Eddie shakes his head. There are unspoken conversations between them; Buck can hear the missing words - she wasn’t there when it happened, but Eddie was. The hasty addition of Eddie probably hadn’t been missed either. It’s hard to be there when your wife has just died and you’re looking after a grieving child. Eddie hadn’t been absent from Buck’s recovery though, not at all.

“So wait,” Eddie says suddenly, “you didn’t know what had happened to Buck?”

“Well, he told me he broke his leg but everything was fine and Buck, I’m guessing you told Gabe and Anna the same thing? You conveniently missed out that you’d had a truck on your leg.”

“Potato, potahto?”

“No, Buck,” Hannah says, shaking her head.

“So, do Gabe and Anna still not know about the whole accident?”

“No, but I gave them a sanitised version of the tsunami recently, Nate. I’m making progress. I don’t like to worry them, you know that.”

”Well, I guess that’s something.”

“They worried enough.”

The conversation moves on and Buck realises he feels at ease. It’s comfortable, even mentioning his parents or the accident didn’t make him feel as anxious as usual. He likes this; he likes the way Eddie has one hand slightly on his lower back, the way they’re just enjoying a day together in public - well, semi public. He could get used to this.

He tunes back into the conversation to hear Nate say, “So we must have been about fifteen and Buck I think that was during Buck’s whole emo phase though -“

Oh no.

“We don’t talk about that Buck, Nate,” Buck says, shaking his head. “The story did not need to refer to that.”

“Emo phase, really?” Eddie asks, a wide smile on his face.

“I hate you.”

“Emo phase?” Eddie asks, a completely puckish expression on his face. “Buck, you were an emo? Like a goth? Shut up!”

“Oh, man, Buck dyed his hair black and everything. I’ve got to have some photos somewhere.”

Buck scowls. Eddie cheerfully nudges his elbow and smiles at him.

“You know what, don’t act like you didn’t join me, Nate. You’re such a liar, I remember you doing the whole straightened hair thing so don’t even go there! Look, I was an angsty idiot,” Buck says. “It was 2007; it was a very different time then. Practically a century ago. I was naive and young.”

“Excuses,” Eddie says, his eyes gleeful. Buck doesn’t care all of a sudden - seeing the look in Eddie’s eyes is worth it. “I can imagine it though, I’m getting a nice picture in my head and -“

“I think I have photos somewhere-“ Nate interjects smugly. It’s one of those few times that Buck so wishes he had been a teenager before the social media boom had even started.

“I think you don’t, Nate. I think you really, really don’t or trust me, I’ll find the really awful accompanying photos of you. Hannah, would you like to see those?”

“Next time, Eddie,” Nate says with a laugh. “We’ve both come a long way from that thankfully.”

“Definitely.”

“This is beyond unfair,” Buck laments. “There was no need to bring that up with that story.”

“Babe, trust me we’ve all got those cringe inducing phases from when we were fifteen.” Eddie cringes and then laughs.

Over the table, Buck sees Nate smiling at him. Yeah, they’ve come a long way alright.

* * *

Some time later, Buck’s helping Nate clean up a table while Eddie’s ensconced in a conversation with Hannah and one of her friends. It’s nice to see Eddie like this; he seems happy, lighter somehow.

Nate smirks at Buck and Buck knows exactly what’s coming: Nate’s appraisal of Eddie.

“Lay it on me then,” he says cheerfully, using a beckoning motion towards Nate. 

“You do realise you’ve basically sleepwalked into a relationship with your Texan hot widower best friend, don’t you? You’re living a fucking romance novel and you don’t even know it.”

“Well, I didn’t uh-know you would be so familiar with romantic tropes. You missed the one about him being my colleague though,” Buck adds dryly.

“Come on! This is ridiculous,” Nate exclaims, valiantly fighting off laughter, “it’s not Bingo!”

“Well, I think I’m winning if it is. Just saying.”

Nate raises an eyebrow. “I was worried y’know, when you said how you guys had sort of got together and that for both of you it’s the - he really cares about you though, Buck. I can see it. Hannah does too.”

“I care about him too,” Buck says awkwardly.

“I see that. That was what I was worried about actually; you tend to kind of go all in on a relationship - y’know when you’re actually looking for one - and I’m more convinced of Eddie now I’ve met him. It helps that he's not giving me the death stare anymore, I have to say.”

“Thanks for inviting us, man. It helped.”

“Hey man, I’m glad.”

* * *

Buck leans back on Eddie’s sofa. He feels comfortable - it’s been a good afternoon; Christopher’s just coming back from his abuela’s and despite spending the afternoon at the barbecue, Buck couldn’t turn down the opportunity to stay with Eddie a little longer and see Christopher. Plus the barbecue had hardly given Buck and Eddie a chance to really have some quality time.

“Hey Buck,” Christopher says as he cheerfully makes his way into the lounge.

“Hey man, did you have a good time?” Buck asks.

“Yeah.”

“Oh, Buck is here again, I see,” he hears Eddie’s abuela say from the hallway as she walks in. 

There’s an atmosphere. Buck knows enough from his childhood to know that when a room feels like this, he should get the hell out of dodge.

But this is Eddie’s abuela. The same abuela who made him food for when he came from hospital because he was Eddie’s friend and who Christopher and Eddie both adore.

What she said though, it rings an alarm bell. No… how would she even know anyone at Nate’s barbecue?

Buck smiles at Christopher and then stands up and walks to the hallway where Eddie and his abuela are.

“Y’know I was going to head home,” he says casually. “I’ll see you at work, yeah? It’s nice to see you, Mrs Diaz. I’ll just say bye to Christopher.” Eddie looks at him quizzically, one eyebrow cocked and Buck shrugs.

“Edmundo, can I speak to you and Buck a moment?” Isabel Diaz asks calmly.

“Sure. What- what’s going on?” They step out into the doorway, away from where Christopher can hear them. Eddie looks nervous and there’s this growing sense of dread in Buck’s gut churning away.

“I’m going to -“ Buck says from the doorway. He doesn’t even have his jacket but he can tell he shouldn’t be here right now.

“You can stay, Buck. Eddito, I have to tell something. Christopher says he saw you and Buck together - kissing?”

Buck looks at Eddie whose face is surely as stricken as Buck’s must be right now.

Shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed the chapter and are all staying safe!  
> You can also get in touch with me on tumblr now: [My Tumblr](https://lolabee20.tumblr.com/)


	12. Adore You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the lovely comments - sorry for leaving you in the last chapter with such a cliffhanger!  
> As always I don’t own 9-1-1 or anything associated with it. The chapter title is from the song Adore You by Harry Styles - I once again do not own this or anything to do with it.

Time has frozen. Abuela’s words keep echoing in Buck’s mind and all he can do is look at Eddie who has become almost unreadable.

This can’t be happening. It can’t. Not after the day they were having. It proves a point to Buck; he has to be cursed or broken fundamentally because nothing ever goes how it should. Abby just up and left, so did Ali and now? Now Eddie’s being exposed to something he’s not ready for and Buck can’t help but feel guilt for his part in this.

He’s focused on trying to work out when Christopher could have seen them kissing; they’ve been so careful, haven’t they? Or recently, have they maybe been less careful, complacent? Perhaps stealing a kiss when they think Christopher’s brushing his teeth? How could they be this reckless?

This is the problem with secrets; they’re perishable and there’s always an expiration date.

Eddie exhales slowly, standing entirely straight and then says very quietly, “Would it be a problem if that had happened? If Buck and I were together?”

Whatever Buck had expected Eddie to say; it wasn’t that. Buck was mentally preparing himself for the blow of a cover up, a lie, he was halfway through his ‘it’s not about you, it’s not personal’ speech to himself after all. Eddie doesn’t appear to be covering this up though; he’s standing straight, almost too straight - he looks completely rigid and like a statue - but he’s not backing down.

“Eddito?”

“I-I-I’m - I think I’m- I-” Eddie falters for a second and it pulls at Buck’s heart because Eddie is trying so hard and Buck can’t imagine how this must feel for him in this moment.

“Maybe you should sit down properly for this conversation,” Buck says in the most soothing voice he can muster because this isn’t a discussion for Eddie’s hallway. This isn’t even a conversation Buck should be there to witness; it’s between Eddie and his family. He can’t leave him though; what if it goes wrong? He can’t leave Eddie like this, but is he actually helping? “Eddie, do you want me to go?”

Eddie shakes his head. No, Buck can’t leave right now, he knows that but he wanted to give the option.

“I’ll watch Christopher then and you should talk. Yeah,” Buck says to fill the silence. He swallows awkwardly.

Buck notices Eddie’s abuela thoughtfully regarding the situation. He knows Eddie’s been worried about telling his family, but his abuela surely - Buck’s been banking on her supply.

She says something in Spanish and Buck vaguely translate it - Eddie’s abuela forgets he can speak some Spanish.

Why didn’t you think you tell me? Don’t you know me?

“Why do you look so worried?” she says, “What did you think I would say? I just want to talk to you about it, but maybe I shouldn’t have. I should have let you come to me and tell me when you were ready.”

“You’re not freaking out?” Eddie asks suddenly.

“Edmundo, you’re my grandson, I love you. This is - I only thought I should talk to you because clearly this is not something you’re ready to share with the family and I didn’t want Christopher to say something to your tia or parents without -”

“I get it. Dios, I thought you were about to disown me or something.”

“Edmundo, who do you think I am?”

None of this is going how Buck expected; Eddie and him hadn’t really spoken about telling their families. Maddie knows Buck is bi now, but Buck doesn’t feel ready to tell his parents. He knows that Eddie felt even more strongly on that; that he’s been worried about telling his parents in particular. Buck knows about the concept of machismo; he can relate to trying to be the person you think you ought to be. When he thinks about it, what

Eddie looks a little calmer now, a little less paralysed in the headlights. He looks up from the floor and meets Buck eyes.

“We haven’t told anyone, Abuela. It’s really complicated, especially with work. We - I didn’t know Christopher had - we didn’t want him to know about any of this until we were more sure of everything. This is - oh my god, really -“ Eddie alway seems so calm, so cool, but right now Buck is watching unravel. It’s strange, unseemly somehow.

“New?” Buck volunteers awkwardly. “Awkward right now? All of the above?”

“Christopher thinks its great. He was asking me why you hadn’t told him. He thought I knew. I pretended I did, I didn’t want to upset him and he seemed a little worried after he told me.”

“Oh,” Eddie says flatly after a pause.

Buck shouldn’t be here, not at this moment; it’s becoming apparent there’s no risk here for Eddie and maybe this should be private between his abuela and him. Relief and adrenaline are coursing through his veins.

“Why don’t we go inside?” Isabel suggests brightly, “Buck, perhaps you could keep Christopher company while Edmundo and I talk?”

“Of course Mrs Diaz,” Buck says, because what else can he say.

“How many times, Buck? It’s Isabel.”

* * *

Christopher doesn’t say anything about the fact Buck was leaving and now he’s back. Buck and him sit in his room while Christopher decides to play with lego. Buck sits on the floor with him, even though if he’s honest the position hurts his leg. He hates it when his leg aches. He’s meant to be 100% now. He’s hoping the hardware removal operation will help; his doctor has said it should and they might be able to schedule it in the next month or so.

Buck now is rapidly realising how perceptive Christopher is though because the kid looks worried. He keeps looking at Buck and then at the doorway, beyond which they can hear soft voices speaking. Buck’s been carefully listening and he can’t hear any signs of anger or raised voices, that’s good.

“What’s up?” he asks, watching Christopher absentmindedly stick lego pieces together. He can’t bear seeing Christopher look uncertain or worried.

“Did I get you and Daddy in trouble?” Christopher asks in a small voice. “I said something wrong, didn’t I?”

“What? No, Christopher, you did nothing wrong,” Buck pauses and adds, “Your dad and I we’re not in trouble, not at all. There’s nothing to worry about, okay?”

“I didn’t mean to say anything. I just was telling her about the movie night we had last week and abuela said you spend a lot of time here and I-” Christopher trailed off.

“Please don’t worry about it, everything is fine.”

“You promise? I didn’t mean to -”

“‘Course.”

“So are you and Daddy boyfriends? Is that why you were you kissing” Yeah, Buck really needs Eddie here for this conversation.

“How about we talk about all of this with your dad after he’s finished talking to his abuela?” Buck suggests in what he hopes is a sensible, reasoned voice. “I think your dad should really be here for this. ”

“Okay,” Christopher says with a shrug before returning to his lego. “I just want to say, I think if you and dad were boyfriends then that would be good.”

“Yeah?”

“Uh huh.” Chris pauses for a moment. “I think it’s a great idea.”

“So do I,” Buck admits softly.

* * *

Buck leans against the kitchen counter and looks at Eddie. He wants to go over to him, wrap his arms around him but he’s not sure what to do, of how to cross that small distance. What if it was terrible? What if Eddie hates him for this?

“How was it?” he asks after a moment.

“Surprisingly fine. I mean it’s Abuela, of all of family she’s -”

“You’re her favourite. She just can’t admit it.”

“Helps she likes you too,” Eddie says, “I think that helped a bit.”

“Yeah?” Buck can’t help smiling at the thought of that.

“And it definitely helps that I’m her favourite, you’re right,” he adds with a mischievous grin.

Buck walks over to him, places his hand on his hips, fingers looped into his belt strap. “I’m always right.”

“Hmm, really? I mean do you really want to go there?”

Buck kisses him briefly in response. “Yep.” He shifts himself so he’s now standing next to Eddie, their sides touching. “So, what did she say?”

“That she loves me, that she wants to be happy and she thinks you’re a good guy. Nothing like what I expected. I guess I was expecting fire and brimstone or something,” Eddie says. ”I mean Abuela was always the one I was less worried about telling, if I’m honest. I’m not ready to tell anyone else in the family, um - she gets that.“

“It’s no one else’s business,” Buck says casually.

“I know, it’s just -” Eddie sighs and looks away from Buck for a moment, “You’ve met my parents, right? I’m their only son and I guess -”

“I get it,” Buck says simply. He’s not entirely sure why he hasn’t spoken to his parents; is it an overabundance of caution on the sheer amount of stuff he’s kept from them, or is it more? For him, this evolution of him and Eddie has felt surprisingly natural.

Discovering his bisexuality was simply like finding a missing piece to a jigsaw; a piece he’d probably known he was looking for, that pulled the whole picture together.

He has concerns - of course he does. He doesn’t know if he wants to tell the 118 about his sexuality yet, Eddie or no Eddie, because they knew Buck 1.0 and what if they falsely equate his sexuality with his previous behaviour? 

He never doubted either that Maddie would be anything other than supportive though. She’s been exactly as he expected this entire time.

Buck’s not sure it’s been the same for Eddie though.

“Well, we need to talk to Christopher.”

Eddie nods, leaning back against the fridge.“I know. I thought we were careful.”

“So did I. Look, he’s worried, Eddie. He knows he said something that was - significant.”

“’S not his fault.”

“Already said that.”

”Did he tell you when he saw us? What he saw even?”

Buck shakes his head. “I didn’t know what you’d me to say without you there. However, I have to tell you that he asked whether we’re uh- boyfriends.” The word sounds so high school; so juvenile for what they are but what else could fit? He doesn’t want to call Eddie his partner right now; it feels like a work term for a start and then it also seems so serious and austere.

“What did you say?”

“That we’d talk to him later. I wanted to buy us time.”

“We haven’t even properly had that conversation, have we? It’s the second time today it’s come up. First at the barbecue and now?”

“Are you saying it’s a sign?” Buck asks, cocking his head to his side slightly.

“Maybe?” Eddie turns to Buck. “I know we’ve been avoiding labels, figuring everything out, but - I mean, it’s how I see you.“

“Same.”

“So that’s settled then?”

“Easy-peasy,” Buck says leaning against Eddie a little. “Hey, you did great. You were fucking brave. Seriously, Eddie.”

“I wasn’t brave.”

“You were. I thought for sure you’d deny it.”

“And say what?”

“That Christopher saw you giving me CPR and was confused. I mean, I’ve almost died enough times for it to be plausible.”

“Dang, I didn’t think of that. Why didn’t you volunteer that at the time?”

“Screw you!”

“Think that’s sort of what started this whole thing, remember?” Eddie smirks with that wicked grin reserved for his most sarcastic moments. 

Buck shakes his head, turns his body towards Eddie and leans in. “You okay, really?”

Eddie kisses him softly. “Yeah, I think I am.”

“Nate liked you by the way,” Buck says gently.

“Oh, yeah?” Buck decides not to mention Nate calling him a hot Texan widower - Eddie would never let that go. Nate had a point though - Buck’s fallen into the sort of relationship of films or TV. It’s weird - it sometimes doesn’t feel that real. Most of Buck’s life has been about a ‘catch’, so what is the catch going to be here? Buck has a sinking fear that he’ll be the catch, that he’ll mess everything up somehow.

It wouldn’t be the first time.

“We should talk to Christopher then,” Eddie says. He looks a little more certain now, a little more like himself.

The two of them make their way back into the living room where Christopher has been watching TV for the past few minutes.

Eddie instantly sits next to his son, turning the television off with the simple confidence of a parent. Buck isn’t sure where to go, what to do. Should he sit down next to Christopher as well, or stand, or just continue awkwardly loitering.

Eddie raises his eyebrows at him and raises his hands; that all too familiar expression Buck always associates with the time they were hanging Chim’s welcome back poster at the 118.

Buck sits at the other end of the sofa.

“Hey buddy,” Eddie says and while his voice is calm, Buck can hear the weight of emotion behind them.

“Did I say something wrong?”

“No, no, not at all.”

“I just wanted to know why you and Buck hadn’t told me,” Christopher says plaintively.

“I think it’s because Buck and me, we’ve been figuring out some things and we didn’t think it was fair to bring you into that until - until we more sure of things.”

“So, what is happening then?”

“Well, how do you feel about the idea of Buck and me being together?” Eddie asks, flashing a reassuring smile at Buck.

“Like boyfriends?” he asks, smiling at Buck with a mischievous grin. That kid, Buck thinks, that sneaky kid.

“Yeah.”

“Would that be okay with you?” Buck asks nervously because he knows it’s important Eddie hears this.

“Definitely!” Christopher says excitedly.

“The thing is,” Eddie says and he looks so sad to be saying this to Christopher it hurts, “we’re still getting ready to tell people, so for now it’s just us and abuela who know, okay?”

“Hmm, okay. It makes sense.”

“Yeah?” Buck asks, confused because half of the time it barely makes sense to him. Can a nine year old really know the intricacies of their jobs being at risk and everything else? Can a nine year old know how damn unfair all of this is?

“Yeah, you should tell people when you want to.” Oh. Eddie has such a good kid, Buck thinks, Christopher has such a great heart.

“Exactly,” Eddie says, looking relieved they don’t have to elaborate on secrets and consequences any more.

“Now you can come around here all the time!” He smiles so widely at Buck that he can help but return the gesture. “Plus you’ll be on my side when we’re picking movies, right?”

“Exactly,” Buck says, grinning as Eddie shakes his head.

“What have I let myself in for?” Eddie says to himself.

Buck smiles; this feels like home. This feels like a future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed the chapter and are all staying safe!  
> You can also get in touch with me on tumblr now: [My Tumblr](https://lolabee20.tumblr.com/)


	13. Heartless

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to be clear at the outset that there are trigger warnings in this chapter (and the next few chapters); please see below for these and if they are subjects that even tangentially affect or trigger you, please be careful.
> 
> Disclaimer - As ever I don’t own 9-1-1 or anything associated with it. The chapter title is for the song Heartless by Kanye West (but my version of the song in the playlist and I associate with this chapter from an atmosphere point of view is the Fray cover) 
> 
> **Trigger Warnings** \- mentions of past child (physical) abuse and neglect, seeing a former abuser and the triggers to mental and physical health this can cause, hints of past depressive episodes and explicit elements of active PTSD.

It’s the second call of the morning. Ever since Bobby and Eddie started to make breakfast hours ago and the alarm rang, it’s been non-stop. They had barely got out of their turnout gear from the first call before the alarm had rung again. Buck hopes they’ll at least be able to have lunch without a call because his morning protein shake before work feels a long time ago.

The scene they’ve just arrived at is fairly well controlled though so Buck’s feeling more optimistic.

Bobby gives clear instructions on who’s responsible for what and Buck feels the familiar bounce of adrenaline rising in his bones. This, this is what it’s all about. Helping people, getting the chance to be a positive on someone’s worst day.

Buck likes the person he is as a firefighter; it’s why he fought so hard for it. He wants to help people, he wants to be able to be a badass and feel like he’s made a difference at the same time. He wants to have a positive influence on the world.

The scene is a two car accident and Eddie, Chim and Hen have already gone ahead while Buck’s been getting the jaws of life ready.

He makes his way towards the vehicles and that’s when Buck’s world turns upside down. Again.

He’s always thought it was fanciful or exaggeration to say a surprise could hit you like a punch, could wind you and take away your breath.

He was wrong.

Buck stares at the driver of the vehicle Chim and Eddie are assisting; the one who is having heart problems.

It _can’t_ be.

It is though.

Buck thinks he would have preferred it if perhaps another truck landed on his leg instead. 

* * *

Here’s the thing Buck learnt early about life. The moment you think you’re really happy, something or someone will take it away.

Everything is ruined now.

He watches Eddie assisting; the way his friends, his boyfriend crowd around him and bring him back from the brink.

He’s not quite in his body. He’s not quite here. Everything is wrong, because he can’t be here. It can’t be him.

Buck helps the other passengers whose injuries are minor; he does his job as best as he can, but he can’t help watching Eddie in the corner of his eye.

“What happened?” he hears Chim ask as Buck slowly edges closer to the scene. Hen and him have finished with their car and usually Buck would dive straight into helping everyone else but he feels frozen.

He can feel sweat dripping down his back and he’s not sure if it’s the LA heat and turnout gear or the sheer panic he feels.

“He’s my husband - We’re on vacation - he just - it happened so fast, I think he’s had a heart attack.” You didn’t need to be an EMT to work that out, Buck thinks sulkily.

He doesn’t recognise the woman - maybe he got married after the boys home because Buck doesn’t remember him having a ring then.

Eddie’s saving his life and it isn’t his fault, but Buck doesn’t know how to reconcile this scene at all. It’s Eddie, his Eddie and he’s just doing his job but -

He has to do his job, he has to handle this. He can’t react, not after what happened at the other call.

Buck doesn’t even know if he has any words he can say at this moment. He’s sure he should say something; he should do something. He shouldn’t be so pathetic. He should be better.

As Eddie and Chim wheel the patient back towards the ambulance, he sees Buck. He doesn’t even recognise him and it hits Buck just like a punch.

How? How can he not recognise him?

Buck doesn’t say anything, he just turns away because Bobby made it clear what would happen if he had a personal outburst on a call again. The blood in his veins is turning to ice; he feels like he’s in the Arctic, not L.A.

Besides, he doesn’t know what to say. He’s not sure about anything right now. It barely even feels like he is really there.

All Buck really knows is that his past and present have crashed into each other and the most painful moments of his life are just lying on the pavement for anyone to see. He can’t do anything; he can’t stop it.

He’s so cold now.

* * *

Buck goes to the bunks after the call. He doesn’t know how to be around any of his team; he doesn’t know anything anymore.

He can’t feel a thing except cold.

He has been through so much more than that man - logically he can knows that in the grand scheme of things what happened at that boys’ home was a nothing. Sure, he broke a couple of bones but Buck’s leg was almost crushed by a truck and he doesn’t have a panic attack every time he walks into the station now, does he? Some people have significantly worse experiences, so what the hell is wrong with him that he feels so shaken by what’s transpired?

It is pathetic that he feels like this; he’s furious with himself.

It isn’t the violence though, or the memories and expectations of violence that became part of Buck’s coding. That’s not what’s in his head at the moment; those aren’t the memories looping and looping and looping. It’s the moments between; the fear. Getting hit was better in some ways because Buck knew what to expect. The waiting was always the worst, the wondering when, not if - never if - something was going to happen.

Reynolds knew that.

To be honest, he could have dealt with seeing Reynolds - he could have. Really Buck had been lucky to only have one foster placement like that, right? He’d got out too.

The problem is Eddie really. Why did it have to be Eddie who saved his life?

He’s mad at Eddie for saving him, mad at Bobby for letting Eddie save him. He’s so mad at the whole damn world for not knowing. He’s mad at himself for holding on to the past.

Buck knows he has to come out of the bunks at some point. He knows that if he stays out here then people will ask questions he’s not ready to answer, that he has to figure out what his story is going to be.

He thinks about talking to Nate but he can’t write the words down or press the call button on his phone. Nate doesn’t need to know and why would Buck bring up all of Nate’s pain and trauma just so he has someone to commiserate with?

He rubs his collar bone automatically. This is a real mess.

He can do this. He can get through this alone.

He’s done it before.

He thinks about this morning, about the moments before the call and how everything was fine. He thinks about the morning after his shift when he’d stayed at Eddies’; it hadn’t exactly been planned. Somehow it had suddenly been too late really for Buck to drive back and now that Christopher knows…

Buck likes waking up at Eddie’s. He thinks about Eddie and him sneaking glances at each other during shifts. Of the moments when they can finally be together and the way spending 24 hours together pretending they don’t want to rip each other’s clothes off is perhaps the best type of foreplay invented.

He thinks about Eddie performing CPR; the calm professionalism, the way he didn’t even know. Buck saw the look of relief when Reynolds’s rhythms came back and were stable, when he saved his life with the same hands he touches Buck with.

In five minutes, Reynolds has soured one of the best things to happen to Buck and undone the years and years of rebuilding Buck has managed.

No - he can’t do this now.

He sits on his usual bunk, head in hands as he tries to process what’s happened, tries to fight back the burning sting of tears.

This is such a mess.

He’s such a fucking mess.

“Buck, it’s lunch. What’s going on?” It’s Eddie. He must have followed Buck into the bunk room. His voice is thick with concern, laced with care and affection and he feels a thousand miles away.

“What? It’s all good.”

“Buck, something’s obviously happened. Talk to me. You look wrecked, man.”

“Gee, thanks.”

“I - I just, I don’t like seeing you look like this.”

“Look, I don’t know what you’re talking about, Eddie, it’s fine.” Buck smiles and it’s a little empty but he hopes it’s good enough to throw Eddie off. “I’m fine. Just tired and y’know that’s probably your fault!”

“Okay.” Eddie looks resigned, as though he’s figured out that Buck won’t let him in. He wants to, he thinks. He doesn’t want to talk about it though, doesn’t want to run the risk of Eddie saying it’s not a big deal, of Eddie thinking him as pathetic as Buck feels right now.

”You said it’s lunch?” Buck puts on his cheeriest voice as he speaks.

“Yeah. Pasta Thursday,” Eddie says, waving his hands in a mock cheer. Buck’s always enjoyed Pasta Thursday - how could he ever not enjoy carbs?

It’s fine. It’s fine. He’s got this.

He puts a hand on Eddie’s arm. “Thank you for caring though.”

“Always,” Eddie says as the two survey the bunk room. Eddie kisses him quickly and softly on the lips. “C’mon, pasta’s waiting.”

* * *

The loft smells like cooking; Buck can smell fried peppers and although he knows he should eat, he has no appetite. He retrieves a bowl of pasta though, pretends he’s going to eat it and maybe he will be able to manage a few bites.

“Everything okay?” Bobby asks and he looks cautious, unsure and questioning. He could take Buck off the team if he tells him, send him back to therapy and then he might never get back to the 118.

“Yeah, didn’t sleep so well last night - figured I’d grab a nap before it was too late.”

He’s doing his best but it’s not enough. He can see how everyone keeps trying to meet his gaze but he can’t let them in. He can’t go there.

“How’s uh Nia getting on?” Buck asks Hen to fill the silence.

Hen smiles widely. “She’s great, Buck, such a sweet baby. We love her to pieces.”

“Good, good.”

Buck doesn’t know what to say next. It’s weird; clearly he’s made a misstep in raising the topic of fostering after this morning.

He takes a forkful of his pasta. It tastes wrong in his mouth; sour but somehow tasteless. It’s been a long time since he felt like this.

He’s fine. He just needs to suck it up.

* * *

_When Evan was nine, they said he was troubled. Behavioural problems perhaps. He had got into a couple of fights; nothing serious, mostly self-defence against other kids on the playground. He always found it a little hard to focus and was perhaps somewhat impulsive. If he’s honest, for a nine year old he was angry too - they’d removed his mother’s parental rights the month before and finally ended the yo-yo between the system and his mother. This was his life now and he was about to lose Maddie. Maddie was close to aging out of the system; she’d even got into college and it was brilliant. She was brilliant, Evan decidedly wasn’t._

_He knew he didn’t want to be a weight around Maddie’s shoulders - she should go to college, she shouldn’t worry about him. He didn’t want to hold her back anymore by having to worry about him so he tried to shut down talk of Maddie pursuing custody. It turned out it was a non-starter though; particularly once he got the ‘troubled’ label. Which really was bullshit. All of it was._

_Jay Reynolds ran the home Evan was sent to while they said they would try to find something long term. On the surface, he seemed nice - strict but like he actually cared and he wanted him to succeed in life. Buck wanted to do well._

_Most of the other kids were older than him but Nate was his age. He’d been there for at least a month before Evan and while he was quiet and reserved, unlike Evan’s brashness and bravado the two of them became fast friends._

_The first time Reynolds hit him was just two weeks after he came into the home. Years later, he can’t even remember what he had done to warrant this - he might have broken something or talked back. Evan always talked back. He’d never experienced violence before the home; neglect? Sure, that was why he was in the system after all. Violence had seemed like a fairy tale or urban legend though, something that wasn’t quite real or possible to him. Until it was._

_The next morning, Jay presented him the latest issue of the comic book series Evan loved. It was an unspoken apology. Evan guessed it wouldn’t happen again because of this. When Evan said thank you at the breakfast table and browsed through the comic book, he looked up and noticed Nate looking at him; an unreadable expression on his face. Years later he’d reconcile it as pity._

_Evan was nine when he arrived at Steerview. He supposed he felt confused a lot of the time, a little lonely and like he’d never be good enough. He left there when he was eleven; by then he wanted to burn the world down._

* * *

Buck’s on autopilot the entire shift but somehow he makes it through. He doesn’t miss the probing glances from Eddie or the way Bobby keeps scrutinising him.

He’s fine on calls though; he doesn’t jeopardise his job in any way. Bobby was right; you have to compartmentalise these things. He doesn’t go back in the bunks afterwards but he doesn’t look up from his phone much either.

He’s surviving. It’s a start.

He thinks about calling the hospital; finding out how Reynolds is. He wants to not care but he does. Maybe Reynolds is dead. He doesn’t know how that would feel. It would be something.

Buck knows he shouldn’t wish death on anyone but the man’s poisoned his relationship without saying a word. Buck can’t look at Eddie and it’s killing him.

He doesn’t sleep the whole night. He’s not sad anymore though: he’s angry.

“Hey,” Eddie says in a low voice. They’re in the locker room and the shift is finally over.

Buck looks around; it’s just the two of them.

“Hey yourself,” he says in the lightest tone he can muster. “Long shift, huh?”

“Yeah. You okay? I’ve been worried, you haven’t been yourself and I - God, I’ve hated not being able to just talk to you.”

There’s a knife in Buck’s heart and it’s twisting with every word. He can’t do this. He can’t do this to him or Eddie.

“Yeah?” It’s not that he blames Eddie, not at all. Eddie was just doing his job and what else could he have done? It’s clear; Buck can’t put all of his stupid anguish over this onto Eddie. He’s got enough to deal with.

“You want to come over? Christopher’s at school,” Eddie says lightly. “We can talk about it, or not. Whatever you want.”

Or not; the idea us tantalising.A year and a half ago, Buck would have gone back to Eddie’s, avoided talking and somehow turned the whole thing into a distraction of meaningless sex. It’s Eddie though - nothing about them together is meaningless so he can’t escape that way - it’s too Buck 1.0, despite how much as he may want to.

”Actually, I’m wiped out. Need to get some sleep,” Buck says as he picks up his bag and smiles at Eddie. “I’ve got to go.”

Buck walks out of the 118, hating himself more and more with every step. He remembers the time Abby was travelling and he asked Bobby when would it be time for him to get to be happy? He thought it might have been now with Eddie and Christopher and everything finally falling in place.

He was dead wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone is still staying safe!
> 
> You can also get in touch with me on tumblr now: [My Tumblr](https://lolabee20.tumblr.com/)


	14. Burn It Down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are trigger warnings in this chapter which are listed below.
> 
> Disclaimer - As ever I don’t own 9-1-1 or anything associated with it. The chapter title is for the song Burn It Down by Daughter which again I do not own or have anything to do with.
> 
> **Trigger warnings** : References to child (physical) abuse, discussions of depression and trauma plus references to self-destructive drinking.

Everything’s distant. It’s like when a phone is muffled and the sound isn’t quite coming through.

It’s fine.

Everything’s fine.

Buck’s going to be _fine_.

He just needs some time and then he can go back to his nice, compartmentalised life where Reynolds doesn’t even exist.

The thing is Buck knows he’ll have to deal with the fallout soon - Eddie didn’t buy any of his excuses about just needing some sleep and Buck can see the missed calls and texts on his phone accumulating by the hour.

He has no idea how he will look at Eddie, how everything can ever just go back to normal. He can’t tell him either; can’t put the weight of this on Eddie who was just doing his job.

It feels a bit like the end of them. 

It feels like they never really had a chance.

Buck settles on distracting himself watching cooking shows, scrolling through his phone and hoping he’ll eventually be able to nap for an hour or so later in the afternoon. If not, well it’s hardly the first time he’s been sleep deprived.

Buck is really unsure about what to do about Nate. He could not tell him anything; just keep it to himself and hope it all works out. He doesn’t want Nate to have the same surprise if he bumps into him though -and yes there might be four million people in LA, but Buck managed to collide with him so why wouldn’t Nate?

Buck hits the call button and waits for Nate to pick up. He should have finished work by now surely?

“Hi Nate,” Buck says, shifting uncomfortably. “Are you free tonight? I need to talk to you about something?” His final words tilt up like a question - Buck still is unsure what to do.

* * *

Nate arrives within an hour. He’s still wearing his office clothes; a smart button down shirt and trousers and it is truly bizarre to see Nate look so adult, like such a normal upstanding citizen. This - this is the same kid Buck used to skip lessons with and listen to shitty music with?

Buck hands Nate a beer and the two of them sit on the couch. On the side table, Buck sees his phone light up with another notification.

Eddie.

He can’t keep avoiding this; Eddie will just turn up if he doesn’t reply and that - that wouldn’t help matters right now because Buck needs the time to be able to place everything neatly back into the box it should have stayed in.

“Everything okay?” Nate asks.

“Sure,” Buck lies deftly as he quickly types a reply to Eddie, a simple placeholder:

> **_Is everything okay? You were a bit off last shift?_ **
> 
> _Hey :D all good - just need some sleep! Think might be coming down with something so probably good idea to stay away just in case because of Christopher. x_
> 
> **_The early shift had flu a couple weeks ago… shit. I can drop off food if you need it_ **
> 
> _It’s fine I’m not that sick! I have food._
> 
> **_Even if it’s Carla’s food? My abuela’s?_ **
> 
> _I assumed it would be! Like I said all good. Probably just need some sleep and will be fine in morning._
> 
> **_OK - call me if you need me._ **

It’s fine - it’s bought him some time.

“So what’s up?” Nate asks after taking a gulp of his beer.Buck leans against the soft back of the sofa and shuts his eyes. It’s like a band aid, best to just rip it off straight away. He doesn’t want to though.

“Buck, you’re kind of worrying me now,” Nate says slowly.

“Jay Reynolds is in town.”

“What the fuck?”

“I thought you should know, just in case you - you bumped into him too. I mean, it’s unlikely. He-he had an accident today and my station was called out to it.”

“You saw him?”

“It was the 118 who attended, I said that already.”

“Is he-”

“He’s alive,” Buck says flatly, the unspoken words floating between them.

“What the actual-”

“Yeah.”

Nate sits down next to Buck. “So, uh, how was it? What happened? How are you doing?”

“He didn’t even recognise me.”

Nate doesn’t say anything.

“How stupid is it that that offended me? Like we both have to remember him but he doesn’t even recognise me? It’s not just that. Eddie -” Buck voice sounds choked just saying his name but he can’t help it, “Eddie saved his life.”

“Are you kidding me?”

“He was the EMT, with Hen, and they - bought him back and he’s in hospital, I guess. I haven’t called. Should I call?”

“No. Let’s go back to Eddie.”

“I know he was just doing his job but God - of anyone in the team, Nate, why him?”

Buck leans forward, his head in his hands. “I can’t look at Eddie without thinking about it,” Buck says finally, taking a sip of his beer “I’m fucking in love with him and now I can’t even look at him. That man is poison, he manages to ruin my life every time. Eddie saved his life, he gave him CPR, got him stable. I’m standing there just thinking he should have let him die. I’m meant to help people, Nate, and all I wanted to do was pull Eddie off him and tell him to let him die.”

“How much does Eddie know?” Nate asks slowly and carefully.

“Nothing. He’s not going to either. Look, I don’t talk about that time - Maddie doesn’t even know.”

”Buck, that’s a bad idea.”

“Don’t, Nate.” Buck sighs and then adds in a low voice, “Does Hannah know?”

“Yes.” _Shit_.

“That’s different. You’re married, you have a kid, you - you - it’s different.”

“It’s really not.” Nate might actually have a point there. 

“I - it’s just Eddie’s seen me after almost every near death experience over the last few years and this - it’s not really in the same ballpark. It seems so much smaller.”

Nate exhales. “Most people don’t have too many of those - near death experiences - y’know? It’s kind of disconcerting that you just pass that off as normal. You act like you’re just out there collecting hospital visits like coffeeshop loyalty stamps.”

“Hey, two more x-rays and my next embolism will be free,” Buck says dryly. “C’mon, Nate, I’m not most people. What I meant was he’s seen me hurt already - I don’t exactly need to share how fucked up I am on top of that, do I? My leg was crushed by a truck and I was fine, all good - but for me to be hung up on an abusive asshole from my childhood? It makes no sense. I know it objectively makes no sense at all because look, it wasn’t that bad - sure we broke a couple of bones, but c’mon we made it out okay and -”

“It was bad enough, Buck.”

There’s a moment of silence and Buck doesn’t know what to say. The room is heavy with the weight of their shared memories

“Put it this way,” Nate says calmly, “would you be cool with Christopher going through -”

”Shut the fuck up.”

“My point exactly. I look at Leo and I don’t get it. I can’t understand how anyone can hurt a kid, but people do. We were already hurting, Buck, and that home was supposed to help us but just made it worse.”

“I know.” Buck looks at the ceiling. “I just thought I was over it.”

“Well, you’re not. I know I’m not.” Nate sighs. “I told you after Leo was born I cried for about a week, do you remember? I couldn’t deal with the fact I suddenly was responsible for this kid and all I could think of was how vulnerable Leo was and how much could hurt him. I hid it from Hannah but she found me one day. She got me to see a therapist, get some help and I still see someone every week, even now. Buck we’ve got a hell of a lot of trauma and bad shit in our pasts and we have to find a way to live with it.”

“I thought I had though.”

“Look, I didn’t see him. I can’t imagine -”

“It wasn’t that.”

“It was Eddie,” Nate says softly, “It’s because it was Eddie.”

Buck nods. There’s nothing else to say.

* * *

Buck wakes up to the doorbell ringing. There are empty beer bottles on the coffee table in front of him and his leg is cramping. Falling asleep on the sofa was not a great idea.

The doorbell rings again and Buck scowls. He isn’t expecting anyone so this doesn’t bode well.

“Buck? C’mon, let me in.” It’s Eddie. Shit, shit, shit.

Buck drags himself to the front door and opens it.

Eddie looks worried but he smiles when Buck opens the door and it’s the sort of small smile that loosens the tension Buck feels.

“Hey you, I know you said stay away but I hated the idea of you on your own so I bought soup, just in case.”

“Hey,” Buck says lightly, opening the door wider without thinking about it.

“You look - I’ve been worried -” Eddie pauses, taking in the sight of the living room. Nate and him did get through a fair few beers the night before and Buck didn’t stop.

“Yeah.”

“Clearly not that ill,” Eddie mumbles, “What’s going on, Buck? Something’s clearly wrong, has been since the second call yesterday so tell me.” Why did he have to ask this? Buck wishes he could just erase the last thirty two hours, could just go back to before, back to when things were good.

He means to tell Eddie to go, that this is not the right time for visitors, that he definitely almost definitely has flu and not a hangover but Eddie suddenly pulls him into a embrace. He leans into Eddie’s hold. He smells like cedar and citrus and for a moment Buck forgets everything but how damn much he’s fallen for this man.

He forgets about Reynolds. He forgets about it all.

“You want a coffee?” he asks which is a funny way of telling Eddie to leave.

“Sure.”

For a few minutes, Buck occupies himself with cups and pouring the ground coffee into the coffee maker and he can completely forget what’s really going on.

It’s peaceful and perfect and maybe they can stay like this forever. Buck would be okay with that. Things might not be fundamentally broken. He could live like this.

Then he meets Eddie’s gaze and for a second he’s back at the scene and Eddie’s helping him and why can’t he get that image out of mind? Why is he doing this to himself?

The images intermingle; Buck and Eddie and all of the warmth and trust shift into Eddie calmly performing CPR on Reynolds. Flashes of punches and hits and the constant damn fear.

Buck’s heart sinks. His throat is tight and swallowing doesn’t seem to help.

He hands Eddie the cup of coffee and leans awkwardly against the chapter.

“So?” Buck says, trying to look at the patterns on his flooring instead of Eddie.

“Is everything okay? You’ve been out of sorts since that call this morning and I can’t figure out why - I’m worried. Last time you looked like that was the fire with the kid and -” Fuck, Eddie’s putting it together.

“I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about. There’s nothing wrong with me, I was tired, Eddie. I’m allowed to be tired!”

“You barely spoke the whole shift and I-I know you. I know something’s wrong.”

“Really?”

Here’s the thing; Buck is resolute that he can’t tell Eddie. He can’t tell Eddie because what can Eddie do? He can’t change the past and he was doing his job. It’s not his fault. It’s a heart-wrenching, awful situation but Eddie doesn’t need to bear this too.

Buck can bear this for them both.

It’ll be better that way.

The solution comes to Buck in a moment.

Buck can’t feel a thing.

It’s a good thing really when he thinks about it. Eddie deserves so much more than him. He deserves someone better, someone more worthy. Buck doesn’t deserve Eddie. That’s always been true but is even more true now and this way he can save Eddie from knowing - from blaming himself for something that’s not his fault.

_I can’t look at you_ , Buck thinks. _I can’t reconcile you saving him and I can’t tell you what happened, I can’t bring you into this, I can’t hurt you with that._

“Just go, Eddie. Please leave me alone.” His voice is hoarse and desperate. He feels like those last moment of happiness of Eddie just forty-eight hours ago were a lifetime ago.

“I don’t think you should be. If something’s going on then - isn’t this part of being together? Y’know, we’re meant to be able to - even without what we have. You’re my best friend, Buck.”

“Eddie, nothing is wrong, can you just let this go?”

“I don’t get it, Buck. You wanted this - you wanted us. I’m giving you everything I can right now but you won’t give me anything of yourself back. Sometimes I wonder if I even know you.”

“Fine,” Buck says blankly, “then - then I guess we’re done.” He shrugs and

He wants to take the words as soon as he says them but he can’t. It’s like the air has just been sucked out of the room.

“What? You can’t be with someone you don’t know, can you?”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“You know what, this isn’t working out for me. We should call it off now.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

“No. In fact, this is the right thing. There’s been a lot at stake and we - we’re not right for each other.”

“What about Christopher?” It’s a low body blow and Eddie must know it. He thinks of Christopher but it’s not Christopher he’s seeing. It’s himself at nine. “Buck, you’re not yourself right now.”

Buck’s mind is filled with too many ghosts. He can’t do this.

Eddie isn’t getting the message. This is bad.

“I am, Eddie. I am. I just want to be alone and you’re not respecting that. Just go, Eddie. I don’t want you here, can’t you see that?”

Buck storms over to the front door and holds it open. Eddie’s usually closed and guarded with his emotions but right now Buck can see everything.

Surprise turns into sadness, turns into confusion, turns into blank resolution.

“Just leave me alone, Eddie. I don’t want this anymore.” Buck turns away to make his point as clearly as possible. “Please go.”

When Eddie finally leaves, Buck exhales.

It’s fine. He’s fine.

Some people just aren’t designed for love.

* * *

Buck calls out for his next shift. He must have sounded awful when Bobby picked up the phone though because Bobby didn’t question him at all.

He ignores Nate’s calls, ignores Eddie’s messages, ignores them all.

He has no idea how to get back from this. So he decides to work through his liquor cupboard instead.

It’s not fair that Reynolds gets to fuck up his present as well as his past. That was never meant to happen.

Buck wakes up to the sound of his door. The TV is on quietly in the background; still on the cooking channel and Buck’s leg is already cramping up after falling asleep in a less than ideal position. There’s half a bottle of tequila on the table and damn - Buck really shouldn’t be doing this on blood thinners.

He makes his way to the door, hoping that by the time he answers it he’s managed to upgrade from a hobble to a slightly more dignified walk.

His head is pounding and yeah - Buck has really screwed up this time. There’s the familiar cotton wool sensation in his mouth and he really needs a drink of water and some painkillers to deal with this.

“Hi Buck,” Maddie says softly.

“What’s up?” Buck asks with a growing sense of dread.

“You tell me. Chim said you called out for your shift, Eddie says you’ve not answered any calls and he also said - that’s not the point right now. Buck, I’m really worried.“

Buck opens the door a little wider and walks back to his sofa as Maddie follows him inside. He sits down and shuts his eyes. He hates himself, he swears he can feel tears burning in his eyes and what the fuck is wrong with him?

“Talk to me, Buck. You look worse than you did after the embolism.”

He’d take an embolism now, he thinks, anything rather than having to feel like this. He’s somewhere between past and present; stuck in the worst memories of his life and he feels like he’s drowning in it all.

“Thanks sis, you say the sweetest things,” Buck says - he’s always been good at bravado and that’s what he needs to do. He needs to not be exhausting; he needs to suck it up and just get over it It was a nothing. He needs to grow up. “I just need a headache tablet and some water,” he says, making his way towards the

“Buck, I’m worried. Also, Eddie called me.”

Fuck.

“Oh really?”

“He said some stuff and uh - I mean, I did not know you could lie to me, very interesting revelation there about the two of you.”

“I’m not sure there is a two of us anymore,” Buck says sadly.

“That wasn’t the impression I got from Buck.” Maddie reaches out and touches his hand gently. “So talk to me, what happened?”

“I messed it up, I mess everything up.”

“That’s not true, Buck.” It is, he knows it, but he’s too tired to argue.

“Eddie told me that you seemed off after a call on your last shift. He wondered if I knew anything about it. I don’t, but you’re my brother and I got the sense I needed to be here.”

“Yeah?”

“Talk to me, Buck. I can see something’s wrong. I’m your big sister, why don’t let me in? Maybe I can help?”

Buck takes a deep breath. Sometimes in life you reach a crossroads. For over fifteen years, Buck has not told his sister about what happened in the home under the guise of it being for her own good, of not being a big deal, but now - he knows if he doesn’t say something now he never will. He can’t stay like this; he can’t tear himself inside, desperately desiring self-destruction and not dealing with the past. He can’t keep losing people he loves.

“You can’t help with this, Maddie. Not without a time machine.”

“What happened on the call, Buck?”

He swallows and looks towards his TV before he speaks, “I saw someone from our hometown on our shift. They’d had an accident.”

“Oh my god - who was it? Do we both know them?”

“No - it was - do you remember around when you were about to go to college I was put in a boys’ home because they said I was acting out - do you remember? It was the one with Nate? The call was with the guy who ran it.”

“Buck -” Maddie says his name cautiously. He can’t stop now; it’s like he’s opened Pandora’s box and there’s no returning things to normal. Maddie isn’t stupid, he can hear in her voice she knows something is wrong, something happened.

“Yeah?”

“You told me nothing happened in those homes - in the placements we weren’t together in? Right?”

“Nothing really did and you were going to college, Maddie. _College_. I mean, I’m completely overreacting, I guess. It could have been a lot worse.”

“What happened, Buck?”

“You remember the skateboarding accident?”

”When you decided to skateboard off the home’s roof and broke your collarbone? Yeah, I remember. It was before you went to our parents.”

“That’s the one.” Buck pauses, exhales slowly. “I never had a skateboard at that home, Maddie.”

The moment everything really clicks for Maddie is a picture; he can see the slow-dawning horror and sadness.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Maddie asks, tears in her eyes.

“Why didn’t you tell me about Doug?” Buck asks, instantly regretting his words. “Sorry, I mean, look I was eleven years old and I just wanted you to go to college and have those chances and I mean - I pushed every boundary. Have you ever met me? I got fired from the 118 a couple of months in my probation for freakin’ having sex on shift, Maddie. I’ve been a complete fuck up before. I always mess things up and I swear - I used to be such a - I used to goad him sometimes. Like, what the hell is wrong with me that I did that? It was just to get it over with though, like the waiting-“

“Is always the worst? Yeah, I know. You were a child, Buck. You shouldn’t have gone through any of that.” Maddie has tears in her eyes and Buck hates he has done this to her. “I wish you could have told me.” She pauses before adding, “Do Mom and Dad know?”

“Nothing explicit. I think that they suspect but I’ve never told them. I’ve never told anyone. It’s just Nate and that’s only because we went through it together. Nate’s got his shit together more though and I thought - Maddie, I thought with Abby and Ali - but, but that didn’t work out. But Eddie? Eddie felt like the closest chance to happiness, to getting everything together I’ve ever felt and it’s ruined.”

“It doesn’t have to be. If you talk to him -”

“I can’t, Maddie. It’s not like telling you.”

“Why?”

“I’m sorry. I’m being so pathetic, right now. I don’t even know why I’m so upset -I wasn’t there that long, it’s just stupid.”

“It was eighteen months and you were just a kid. Did you tell anyone what was happening? Did they do anything? Why did no one tell me?”

“Who ever believes the difficult, impulsive, troubled kids, Mads? That was the whole point, wasn’t it? We didn’t tell anyone. It wasn’t just me; Nate got it pretty bad. A couple of the older kids did too but it was mostly Nate and me the time I was there at least. Anyway we didn’t stay there and I ended up in a good place so it’s all good, okay? ’S all okay. It should be fine.”

“How is this okay, Buck? How is any of this okay?”

Buck shudders and says in a horribly choked voice he cannot stand, “I thought I was over it. It’s not even that I saw him, Maddie. It’s not that. It’s the fact that Eddie saved him, Maddie. Eddie!”

“Oh, Evan.” She wraps an arm around him.

“I can’t look at him and I hate it. I don’t know what to do,” Buck says between sobs.

Maddie doesn’t make a suggestion. She just sits with him and that’s fine.

Really it’s all he needs right now.

It’s that lightness of realising that you’re not completely alone in a mess, that relief of shedding years of secrets. That can be the only glimmer of hope sometimes.

Maybe it’s enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry? This was one of the hardest chapters to write but one I had planned from the start of this fic.
> 
> I hope everyone is still staying safe!
> 
> You can also get in touch with me on tumblr now: [My Tumblr](https://lolabee20.tumblr.com/)


	15. Light On

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the lovely comments and kudos; they mean an awful lot to me. Sorry this chapter took a little longer to get out!
> 
> Disclaimer - I do not own 9-1-1 or anything associated with it. The title is from the song Light On by Maggie Rogers - I do not own that either.
> 
> Trigger Warning - There are some very light references to physical child abuse.

Maddie stays with Buck that night. As the hangover wears off they begin form a plan; a path through the mess. Nate comes around in the morning too and he talks to Maddie for a long time while Buck finally has a shower.

Maddie understood and Buck couldn’t believe how light he felt for sharing the load on his mind; the years and years of baggage and secrets. It was Eddie though. Always. Eddie remains the reason it hurts so much and is why Jay Reynolds’ explosion into Buck’s life has ripped open all his own wounds.

He survived a tsunami though, as Maddie reminded him, he survived and survived and survived.

So he can survive this.

Buck stands outside the 118 and takes a deep breath before he walks in. He makes his way straight for Bobby who unsurprisingly is in the kitchen.

The loft smells like breakfast and is filled with the usual warm chatter. Buck can see how Eddie reacts to his presence; the worried puppy dog eyes and subtle step forward.

He’s on a mission though.

“Hi, um - I need to talk to you, Bobby.” No one seems noticed he’s not dressed for his shift yet but the way Bobby looks at him makes Buck think that maybe he’s more obvious than he thought. In fairness though, Buck did call him to say he’d be calling out still today.

“Sure.” Bobby looks at Buck hesitantly, opens his mouth like he wants to add something but then changes his mind.

Buck doesn’t say anything, not even when they get into his office. He watches Bobby sit down and then Buck sinks into the chair opposite. He’s got this, he can do this.

“How are you doing, Buck? Are you feeling better from last shift or- that flu bug is pretty wretched. You look -” Bobby trails off.

Buck wants to say ‘It’s not flu, I’m not doing so well, I need help, like really need some serious help to work through the years and years of pent up crap in my head’ but what he actually says is what he rehearsed with Maddie, “They’re moving my hardware removal up and I’d like to take some time off for it.”

“Okay?”

“From now actually. It’ll give me a chance to - um get myself back to 100%. I need to be fit to go through the surgery and once the hardware’s removed - yeah.” Maddie told him not to go into detail, to keep it simple. She had originally advocated that Buck just tell the truth but Buck can’t tell Bobby. He can’t be benched again, can’t be a liability - can’t have Bobby know the truth either. The hardware removal is just a timely hook to hang things on.

“What’s really going on, Buck?” Bobby asks calmly.

Buck finds the words at the edge of his lips and it’s so tempting to just let them out. He swallows. “It’s like I said.”

“Buck.”

He can’t do this. He can’t keep maintaining these secrets, can’t let them shred his stomach and constrict around his heart forever, let them mar and taint every bit of hope in his life. Maybe Maddie’s right: Bobby and him have managed to cautiously repair some of the damage of the lawsuit. In fact, perhaps pinning everything on the hardware removal is worse, more of a reminder of his physical condition and the blood thinners. Maybe he can be honest with Bobby. Surely he owes him that.

Buck stands up and walks further away from Bobby, leaning against a cabinet. He looks idly out of the window.

“Do you remember the call with the driver on my last shift, the one Eddie was working on, he had a car accident that day - they were on vacation?” Buck asks, his voice softer than he intended.

Bobby nods slowly.

Buck takes a deep breath before he continues, “His name was Jay Reynolds. Jay ran the boys home I was placed in when I was a kid.”

“Boys’ home?” Bobby asks, his expression unreadable.

“Maddie and I weren’t always placed together - y’know she’s older than me and I was an awkward kid. I got in a couple of fights and I was this hyperactive kid who’d talk back all the time so they decided that I was a troublemaker. I mean, you’ve met me so you’d probably agree. Anyway, I got put in the group home around the time Maddie was getting ready to age out of the system. I was about nine and I was only there for eighteen months or so. It’s where I met Nate actually.”

“You’ve been friends a long time then,” Bobby says placidly. He’s not stupid, Buck knows he can tell there’s more to this anecdote.

”Yeah. We went through some stuff.” Buck swallows before adding, “Reynolds had a really mean streak.”

“Buck-”

“We didn’t exactly see eye to eye all of the time. Much of the time actually.” Buck looks away. “I guess, to be honest, you could say he used to beat the crap out of me. Nate too.”

“He hit you?” Bobby sounds angry, furious even. For just a second Buck remembers the moment Bobby found out he’d read his notebook - the way he’d shoved Buck and the pure fury in his eyes. Buck knows Bobby, he knows he’s not that moment, that he is in no way Jay Reynolds. He hates that his mind jumps and leaps to those twisted comparisons.

He hates his damn mind.

“Bobby,” Buck says trying to placate him, “It was just one placement. It’s not a big deal. I got placed with my parents - Gabe and Anna - after that. They uh - Mom runs a bookshop and I used to spend time there, we struck up a rapport or something. It worked out well.”

“Did they do anything about -”

“They didn’t know. They don’t officially know now - I think they guessed but I haven’t said anything. Nate was there for another month after me but then his Aunt managed to get custody. He stayed with me a lot during that month.”

“I’m so sorry, Buck.” Bobby sounds genuinely devastated; for a long time Buck’s always thought it could have been worse, hey - he was pretty lucky therefore. More and more now he thinks of that nine year old him and he can’t get his head around the violence, around who would want to hurt a kid. He deserved better.

“Hey, it’s like you said - we’ve all got baggage, right? It’s bought up a lot though.” Buck swallows. “I didn’t lie to you, I need some time off, Bobby and I am having my hardware surgery. I also need to ask if you could - maybe refer me to Frank again. It threw me, in a way I didn’t see coming. I need to be 100% for this job, Bobby. You said that and you’re right.”

“Buck-”

“I just think I need a little help to do that.”

This is the moment. This is when it falls apart.

Bobby’s going to bench him forever now. He should have just stuck to the plan.

“I’ll get that arranged for you, Buck.”

“Can - can you just tell the others it’s my hardware surgery - that’s why I’m off?”

“Sure. This is your business, Buck, you can tell as many or as few people as you want to.”

“I know. Thanks, Bobby.”

“You should come for dinner while you’re off, Athena would love to see you. You won’t want to cook after surgery either.”

“Sure, sounds like a plan.”

“I’ll sort out the paperwork, okay? We’ll uh, go with the hardware surgery as the main reason.”

“Thanks.” Buck wants to ask if his spot will still be there, if he’s just not sacrificed everything for the truth. The words are stuck in his throat though.

“Your spot will be here,” Bobby says softly, clearly reading Buck’s worries. “You’re not going anywhere, Buck.”

“Thanks.”

“Nothing to thank me for. I’ll call and get you sorted with Frank in a bit, okay?”

Buck nods. It’s weird; therapy has never really felt like it worked for Buck. It reminds him of mandatory appointments as a kid and fake caring. There was the therapist he saw with the LAPD before Frank and yeah - that wasn’t a very useful session.

Frank’s alright though; Buck hopes he can help. He’s realising more and more that maybe locking everything away as a secret has not been the healthiest coping mechanism he could have chosen.

Buck makes his way to the door; this wasn’t as bad as it could have been.

“Hey Buck?” Buck looks at Bobby who smiles before softly saying, “I’m proud of you, kid.”

* * *

Buck manages to avoid Eddie until he’s at his car.

“Hey,” he hears Eddie call. “You’re just walking out? What’s going on?”

“I’m taking some time while I have my hardware surgery.”

“No, Buck. What the fuck is going on with you?” He’s standing right beside Buck now, a familiar warmth next to him. Eddie looks at him, really looks at him and sighs, “Buck, I’m worried about you. I even called Maddie. Twice.”

“She told me.”

It doesn’t sting quite so awfully looking at Eddie this time; it’s just a dull ache. It’s regret and sadness entwined together that leaves a bitter aftertaste in his mouth.

“So you’re not staying for shift?” Eddie asks, caution and worry evident in his tone.

“No, I’m just taking some time around my hardware surgery. They’ve moved it up.”

There are so many unspoken words between them. Just days ago, Eddie had suggested Buck stay with Chris and Eddie after his surgery. Not so much right now.

“Y’know I can tell you’re lying. I can see it all over your face, but - I just - I can’t understand,” Eddie says, “you’ve clearly told Bobby what’s going on but not me?” The hurt radiates through, stabbing at Buck like a thousand tiny needles and Buck can see the frustration building.

“Eddie-“

“I thought we had something,” Eddie says sadly, turning away before adding, “I guess you din’t feel the same way - maybe you’re not who I thought you were.” And ouch! Eddie knows just where to put the knife in.

“Haven’t you ever wanted to just keep something good in your life?”

“Buck -”

“I don’t want to lose you and Chris. I can’t lose you and Chris.” Not again, not after the tsunami and the lawsuit and the way every time Buck thinks he falls in love somehow they leave him.

“Then why are you pushing us away?” He’s tired, so tired of being left - maybe that’s why, maybe it’s easier to just push Eddie first before he can leave him, before all of Buck’s trauma and pain becomes too much and Eddie does what everyone does and leaves.

“I don’t know what else to do,” Buck says finally.

“Talk to me,” Eddie says, “This is always your problem, you don’t talk about any of it. I found out you were suing the 118 from Bobby, I-I - I thought you changed after last time. I just want to know what’s going on, I want to be able to help.”

“You can’t.”

Buck wants him too though; he wants Eddie to be there, to be a rock of support as he makes his way out of this mess. It’s clear to him now; Eddie matters too much, he meant it when he said he loved him.

He just needs to find the words to get them through this, past this without hurting Eddie either. He needs to find a way to not hurt Eddie but give him some semblance of the truth.

“Why can’t I?” Eddie sighs and looks around the parking lot, stepping closer to Buck before speaking, “Buck, c’mon, just give me something, please?” He’s so close that Buck could just reach

Buck looks away and leans against his truck. “It’s because I love you, Eddie.” His tone is even, controlled and he barely recognises it.

“What?” Shit.

“I’m in fucking love with you, okay? That’s why. I-I-“ Buck falter and Eddie’s face is a picture.

“You’re in love with me? Really? Thats your answer?” Eddie shakes his head. “You can’t just say that and think it’ll magically fix everything, think it’ll just make me stop asking what’s going on.”

“That’s not why I said it.”

“Buck -“ Eddie’s expression softens.

“I mean it. I just can’t talk about everything right now, but that’s why. It’s because I’m not in love with Bobby-”

“Well, that’s something, I guess.”

“I planned to say it a bit better.”

“Damn right, I should have had flowers or dinner and wine.”

“You want flowers?”

“I’m just saying, you could have schmoozed me.”

“I kind of blurted it out.”

“No kidding,” Eddie says but there’s a soft smile. “Please, Buck, can we just try and get past this?”

Buck shuts his eyes and exhales. He does love Eddie. That’s somehow the problem and the solution, isn’t it? The thing is when he told Bobby and Maddie, he felt relief and free somehow. He felt like he was removing all of the power Jay had had.

Was he really going to let Jay take Eddie and Chris from him? Fuck that!

“Yeah, come around after shift, won’t you? I think if you stay much longer, Chim’s gonna send a search party.”

Eddie laughs. “Sure, see you tomorrow then.” Eddie makes his way back towards the station and then takes a step back towards Buck.

“Hey, Buck?” his tone is careful, almost like he’s afraid someone will overhear.

“Yeah?”

“What you said earlier? Same.”

Buck smiles, heat rising in his cheeks and for a moment it’s just him and Eddie. They’ll get past this; they can do this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did you think? Originally I ended things a little more ambiguously but I wanted to add a little more hope to the mix and we love it when our boys try and communicate!
> 
> I hope everyone is still staying safe!
> 
> You can also get in touch with me on tumblr now: [My Tumblr](https://lolabee20.tumblr.com/)


	16. Running Up That Hill

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has taken such a long time; thank you so much for bearing with me!
> 
> Content Warnings can be found in the end notes.
> 
>  **Disclaimer:** As ever I don’t own 9-1-1, or claim to. The chapter title is for Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush/Placebo - I don’t own this either!

Buck’s been spending far too much time in therapists’ and doctors’ offices lately. They all look the same; those almost sickly magnolia walls and blandly inoffensive pictures blending into one. In fact, in his mind now they’re all pretty much the same. They’re meant to feel safe, exude an air of security and calmness but that doesn’t quite wash with Buck.

He shifts uncomfortably as he avoids Frank’s stare.

It’s stupid. He wanted this help, he actively sought out this session and now it’s like his mouth is full of cotton candy and he can’t breathe. The words are constricting around his neck, tightening with each thought. 

He’s wasting everyone’s time. He’s wasting Frank’s time and his own. There are people who really need Frank’s help and then there’s him.

He’s managed to talk about what happened, been honest enough with that the cliched ‘what brings you here’ question. Buck’s even been able to loosely give the unglamorous highlights of who Jay Reynolds was - is to him.

It’s considerably more than he managed with Eddie.

That’s not to say Frank is getting the full picture. There have been some obvious omissions in Buck’s therapy session so far; Eddie is relegated to his best friend because regardless of whether Buck trusts Frank or not, he’s paid for by the LAFD and Buck can’t risk their jobs. Not now, not ever.

So they’ve moved onto the next part of therapy. The inevitable shift to introspection and trying to voice why these events affected him so badly, triggered him. He fiddles with his hands, wrings his fingers together and looks out of the window, looks at anything that isn’t Frank.

“I haven’t told my boyfriend,” Buck says suddenly to break the silence, “I don’t think I’m ready to either. He knows I’m working through some stuff, I mean he knows something’s going on. I couldn’t tell him everything though. I wanted to but - I didn’t want to either.”

When Eddie came around the night after Buck said he loved him, Buck had frozen up before he could say anything. He managed to voice some truths; his outburst in the weeks before was surprisingly helpful for laying a foundation of a slow building anxiety and apparently dormant mother issues. He thinks he’s said enough without saying anything too much.

Buck keeps wishing he could find the words to say more, to rip off the plaster, but he can’t.

He isn’t ready for Eddie to know yet. It’s that simple. It isn’t just about Eddie and the fact he was the one who saved Jay Reynolds either; that’s part of it, sure. Buck wants to protect Eddie as far as possible from that because he knows Eddie will hate something he couldn’t help at all.

It’s more than that though; Buck loves Eddie like he said. He _loves_ him.

It turns out love can be an unexpected barrier to the truth sometimes, to bearing the very ugliest scars. Love isn’t as freeing as the movies make out. Buck can tell Frank, he can talk to Nate about it but not Eddie. He thinks he might be able to one day, but that’s some way away.

Buck doesn’t want to talk about the past at all if he’s honest but he doesn’t want it to drag him any further into an abyss either. It has been suffocating him and pulling him down, he knows it has been and those years of silence probably didn’t help.

More importantly than that; Buck doesn’t want Jay Reynolds to hold any power over him any more - he didn’t even remember who Buck was at the scene after all. How fucked up is that? Buck virtually had a breakdown over someone who didn’t even remember him.

“So,” Buck says finally to fill the silence, “I guess it’s bought up a lot. I just - I hadn’t even thought about it in so long and now I can hardly think about anything else.”

Frank looks at him dubiously but nods. “It’s hardly surprising that seeing him would bring things to the surface, especially if you’ve buried things for a long time.”

“I used to provoke him, sometimes. Like, if Nate was in trouble or even if I was. He used to drag it out, make you wait and that was the worst. Man, that really was hell - like every noise and everything would just - I’d always be on edge. So I took things into my own hands and sometimes, sometimes I’d square up to him just to get it over with. I mean how fucked up is that?” Buck shakes his head. “Do you know what the worst thing was? I remember having an appointment with my social worker in a room just like this and I just - I remember we were sitting there and I knew, I just knew, that there was no point in saying anything. Like it would be a complete waste of time.”

“That must have been difficult. How old were you?”

“Maybe ten? I don’t know. That’s the thing, you see - I just - it could have been so much worse. I’ve seen how much worse it can be just doing this job. I feel like I’m wasting your time, I’m making a big deal of something that was a nothing. I mean, you hear stories of what could have happened and I was lu-I was one of the more fortunate ones, right?”

“Buck, it doesn’t matter what happens to other people, or could have happened or what worse things you could have experienced. What matters is what did happen to you. Your trust was betrayed by someone who should have helped you. It is valid and fine for that to have-”

“Traumatised me?”

“I wasn’t going to put it like that, but certainly to have left a mark on you.”

“It’s not just that. When I went to the boys’ home … like I thought he was really cool when I got there. He didn’t look like a bad guy, didn’t act like one at first.”

“They rarely do.”

“I guess I just hate how naive I was, how-” Buck falters.

“You were a child.”

“Look, it’s not like I’ve spent years crying about it or fucked up or anything like that. I moved on. I have a good life; a good job, a sweet apartment, I’ve got a boyfriend who I lo-” Buck pauses and then says, “- a boyfriend I care a lot about. I’m not some wreck or I’m not like, I-I’m a success story if anything. My placement after that was my parents and I -I-”

“None of those things means you didn’t have a bad experience, that you weren’t let down by people who should have protected you, helped you. The things you mentioned are just testament to who you are, Evan.”

“Who even is that? I guess, it’s just thrown me,” Buck says, his voice surprisingly thick. “So how do I get past this, Frank, how do I move on? ‘Cause I don’t want to be here. I need to be back out there, helping people and doing my job. I need to be living my life.”

“You do exactly what we’re doing now, Buck, you talk about it in a safe space.”

Buck nods, chewing his lips absentmindedly. He’s doing the right thing; this is all about progress.

He looks down for a moment. “I have surgery again tomorrow,” he says suddenly. “Pins are coming out.”

“You mentioned it earlier. Has it bought up anything about the initial injury?”

“No,” Buck says. “I mean, a little but it’s a good thing. I’m glad it’s going to be over at last. I was just - changing the subject?”

“Nice distraction attempt then,” Frank says wryly. “Not gonna work though.”

Buck rolls his eyes. _Busted_.

* * *

The screws are out. Finally. Cue the balloons and celebrations. Buck asked the doctor if he can keep the screws, just as a reminder. Everyone else seems to think that’s disgusting but Buck wants the proof; they’re the last physical remnant from the truck explosion, from what he endured.

Originally Maddie had offered to take him to her apartment after the surgery for the first few days. Buck had firmly insisted it was unnecessary; he had got through the recovery for his leg injury in his apartment just fine and the hardware removal was nothing compared to what he’d already been through. He definitely doesn’t want to have to see too much of Maddie and Chim together either. He’s really pleased his sister is happy and her and Chim are doing really well; he just doesn’t need to see it.

Finally they had agreed that Maddie could pick him up though and check in on him in the morning before her shift.

There was a small part of him that had wanted Eddie to pick him up, to stay with Eddie. The problem was the 118. How would you explain staying at your platonic best friend’s 2 bedroomed place with his kid when you have both a sister and perfectly sizeable apartment of your own without making it damn clear that there’s more than just friendship going on?

He also had this idea Eddie could stay with him, but he never asked about it because a) he doesn’t want Eddie to see him as an invalid and b) what about Chris?

Now he’s home in his apartment and he’s tired and hungry, It’s very clear the hospital jello did not cut it at all; everyone knows orange or red jello are the only acceptable flavours anyway, don’t they?

His leg is throbbing and aches in a way he didn’t expect. He wishes he had taken Maddie up on her original offer. Instead he’s lying on his couch alone, having sent Maddie away hours ago after she dropped him home and helped him set himself up downstairs.

The soft fuzzy edges of the painkillers are wearing away and he’s dreading getting up.

The doorbell rings and he groans, pushing himself up and reaching for his crutches. He hasn’t missed crutches at all. He’s so done with his leg being a problem now. This better be the end of things.

The door opens and he cheerfully eases himself back on the sofa, smiling at the sight of Eddie and Christopher in the hallway.

“Buck!” Christopher cries cheerfully as he triumphantly makes his way over to the sofa and presenting Buck with a homemade card.

“What’s this?” Buck asks, opening it while keeping an eye on Eddie in the background who has just placed a bag in his fridge. The card is sweet, it’s 100% Christopher. There’s a drawing of Christopher, Buck and Eddie together with _Get Better Soon_ in big letters.

“Hey, thanks Christopher,” Buck says, propping himself up to give him a hug. This kid is amazing, Buck is so lucky to have Eddie and Chris in his life.

“How was surgery?”

“Well, I think we’re even now,” Buck says, “That’s number three in three years so-”

“Yep,” Christopher says proudly like Buck’s somehow achieved something worthwhile.

Eddie shakes his head, walking over to join them and planting a quick kiss on Buck’s lips. 

“Glad you’re done with them now,” Eddie says. “Carla made you food.”

“Carla is the best.”

“Well, I mean technically I bought it over here, put it in a bag, ensured it didn’t include anything you hate first too.” Eddie perches on the arm of the sofa as Buck shifts himself so that the two of them can join him on the sofa.

“My hero.”

There’s still some hesitancy, a few tentative nerves between the two of them following the past few weeks. The sparks are still there though; Buck can feel them. He wants this to work; he likes the Buck he is with Eddie. The two of them being together has clicked something into place that Buck doesn’t want to lose.

“You feeling’ okay though?” Eddie asks, a hand gently resting on Buck’s shoulder.

“Yeah, I’m just glad to have the screws out. Doc says that maybe - just maybe they might be behind the clotting but he can’t be certain until it’s all healed up and any inflammation goes down.” As Chris sits next to him, he knocks Buck’s leg very lightly and Buck tries to cover the subsequent wince.

“Do you need painkillers?” Eddie asks with concern.

“I’m good, ’s all good,” Buck says, his breath returning to him.

“Great. So Chris and I were thinking we could all have something to eat, okay? Didn’t think you’d be up for cooking.”

“Okay and not that I don’t love having you guys here, but I thought you had parents’ evening tonight?”

“Finished,” Chris says cheerily.

“It’s like seven thirty!”

“It’s elementary school, Buck, not a night-club.”

“Haha, very funny. So, how’d it go?”

“It was fine,” Chris says quickly and Buck raises an eyebrow.

“It was pretty good actually. Chris got a nice write-up,” Eddie says, winking at Buck before wandering over to the kitchen, “Lots of awkward teacher jokes though. That was less fun.”

“Ergh.”

“Yep, my thoughts too.”

“You’re coming back with us,” Chris whispers suddenly, “Daddy said that we’re kidnapping you.”

“Oh yeah?” Buck looks at Eddie who has taken this moment to move and busy himself with unpacking the food on the kitchen counter

“Mmhmm,” Chris says with a nod.

“So I’m being kidnapped then?” he asks loudly, winking at Eddie when he looks over.

“After food,” Chris says cheerfully. “And a game. In fact, maybe you could bring your console over with you too. And a few games.”

“Chris!” Eddie exclaims.

“What, Dad? It’ll help him recover.”

Buck grins, “How can I argue with that, huh? But Eddie, kidnapping, really?”

“This apartment is not good for you to get over an operation, Buck. It’s our civic duty to kidnap you. The plan was to bribe you with Carla’s food first before I broached the subject.”

“I managed just fine last year,” Buck says, a teasing expression on his face.

“Yeah, well that was then,” Eddie says, sniffing and then looking away from Buck.

“Did you just Dad voice me? Chris, my man, are you hearing this?”

Chris giggles.

Buck could definitely be okay with staying at Eddie’s for his recuperation; in fact he really likes the idea. A lot. However. He hates there’s always an however, always a but, nothing in Buck’s love life is ever simple.

“What about the 118 though? I mean, Maddie knows so that’s not a problem, but if Bobby shows up… he’s already texted me twice and invited me to dinner the day after tomorrow.”

“We can work something out,” Eddie says, a little light lost in his eyes that Buck hates. Fuck this secret. “Maddie and I talked about it when you refused to stay with her.”

“Traitors!”

Besides, what’s the difference between you sleeping on this sofa or mine? We can make it work. I mean, I’m a trained medic and we have Carla around when I’m on shift so it makes more sense than Maddie because of her shifts.” It’s fairly tenuous, but Buck wants desperately to grasp at it because he wants this. He really wants this.

“Okay, let’s do it. I think I’d managed to forget how much it sucked on my own the first time around.”

“Perfect, plus Chris really wants you to bring your games console with you.”

* * *

Buck hasn’t spoken to his parents in weeks. It wasn’t intentional - not exactly. After seeing Reynolds, yes, it definitely slipped into more of a purposeful avoidance but before that it was just being rushed with work, with Eddie. If he’s truly honest, in every free moment he’s pretty much only wanted to spend with Eddie as they worked out and redefined the new lines and boundaries in their relationship.

The session with Frank and his surgery had made him think though. This is the third surgery he hasn’t told his parents about beforehand. Over the years, he’d thought that this was the right thing to do for them, but now all of the secrets are starting to weigh more heavily.

Eddie’s at work, Chris is at school and Carla’s dropping in a couple of hours after Buck insisted she take a few personal hours - now is the perfect time to make that call.

He leans against the step and rubs his knee absent-mindedly. Hopefully the swelling will go down in a couple of days and this will be the end of the whole sorry saga ever since the incident. His leg feels good though; sure it aches, but it’s nothing like before. He rests his forehead against his phone before taking a deep breath and dialling the familiar number.

“Buck?” his dad answers the phone after a couple of rings. Buck can hear the surprise in his tone and mentally tries to add up how long it has actually been since his last call.

“Hey Dad,” he says lightly, “how’s everything going?”

“Good, good. I just got out of a meeting, very dull. How are you?” he asks, “it’s been a while.”

“Good, I uh- I’m good.” Buck exhales and lightly punches the step he’s sitting on, “Actually, I’m not sure. I mean, I think I am. Good. I think I’m good.”

“Okay?” Buck hears movement and what sounds like a door closing. “Talk to me, Buck.”

“I’m fine.”

“Evan,” Gabe says softly, “Your mom and I have been talking recently. She told me about the pier, about you being caught in that tsunami. You missed that out when you said you weren’t on shift that day.”

Buck’s silent, chews his lip for a moment while he waits to see where the conversation goes. “It wasn’t a - I mean, what could you have done?”

“We know you and your sister seem to have got in your head that now you’re adults in another state you have to keep everything from us - and let’s be real, there are certain things we really don’t need to know - but being your parents didn’t stop when you turned 18, okay? You don’t have to keep whatever is going on from us if it’s weighing on you. If you think not telling us something stops us worrying then I’ve got news to you. Frankly, son, I’m a lot more worried if you’re keeping something like being in a tsunami from us.” Buck hasn’t thought about that before; about how telling his mom about the tsunami could have felt. He’s used to disasters now, it’s his job. For his parents though - maybe he’s caused more harm than he ever intended.

”I know, I know.” Buck pauses.

“Is work okay?” his dad asks lightly.

”It’s good.” He doesn’t mention the screws or current time off.

“Yeah? I’m glad. I’m really pleased you’ve found something you love, that works for you. You’ve always wanted to help people, just like Maddie actually. It’s one of your strengths.”

“You buttering me up so I’ll call more?”

“Is it working?”

Buck laughs for a moment. He always builds up these calls and they’re never as bad as he thought. He lightly traces his finger on the step next to him.

“Do you remember when I came to live with you guys?” he says tentatively.

“Of course we do.”

“He had a heart attack - the guy who ran that home. I don’t know what you remember about the home but - anyway.”

“Huh,” Gabe says. He’s always been able to convey so much with a single syllable.

“I- I don’t like going back to that time. It bought a lot up.“ He doesn’t need to tell his parents he realises; he knows they already suspect so that makes this conversation easier.

“I know. I get it.” Gabe pauses, “It must be hard. How did you hear about it?”

“He was in LA. Actually it was my firehouse that attended.”

“Evan.”

“I was looking after another patient and uh- he didn’t recognise me by the way.”

“That must have been very difficult.”

“It was. It is. Nate lives in LA now so we’ve been talking but I’m uh- seeing a therapist through work. I requested it actually.”

“Wow.” Buck suspects Gabe is remembering how resistant Buck was to counselling and therapy as a teenager; to now actively volunteer for it? How’s that for growth? “That sounds sensible. Is it helping?”

“Well, I only had my first session a couple of days ago.”

“Fair enough.”

“I didn’t mean to worry you about the tsunami.”

“I know you didn’t. Look, we expect you and Maddie to not us tell everything and hell, both of you are in highly stressful jobs. I just worry that the types of secret you’re keeping from us aren’t who you’re dating or credit cards or - it’s a tsunami, Buck. You kept being in a tsunami from us. I mean, what next? I mean, if you can’t call us for that - if you were ill or, Buck I’m sorry. I’m not lecturing you. I just want to know you can call us, you can talk to us. I’d love - we’d love you too.”

Buck feels his cheeks redden. He can’t carry on like this; not if it’s making his parents more worried and he can hear it. That’s why he’s stopped calling. That’s what he hasn’t wanted to face.

His dad is right; he needs to try and open up more. There was part of him that would have broken up with Eddie entirely just to ensure he didn’t have to talk about his past just weeks ago. He’s spent too long trying to brush things off; to push away help.

Buck suddenly remembers when Bobby relapsed a few years ago. He remembers sitting there with Hen and a man he saw like a father looking so broken. He remembers what he said about people asking for help.

He doesn’t need help in this moment.

He needs to open up though.

“I’ll try and tell you more. I just didn’t want to worry you and I’m - I’m okay because I have a really good network here in LA. I like this life.”

“I know you do, Buck. I’m - we’re really proud of you.”

There is so much Buck has to tell him. He’s held back so much now; he wants to talk about Eddie, wants to tell his dad about Christopher and the life he’s building for himself in LA. He doesn’t want to be worried about saying something he hadn’t mentioned before. There are so many people he can’t tell about him and Eddie; his parents aren’t two of them though.

Buck doesn’t know where to start but he finds his voice and says softly, “So, in the interest of full disclosure then I should tell you something.“

“Oh no, not another tsunami? A mudslide? I’m running out of natural disasters here?” his dad jokes. “Are you sure LA isn’t on top of a hellmouth?”

“Huh? What are you talking about?” Buck decides not to mention the explosion being the cause of his leg issues, or the blood thinners and surgeries for now.

“Oh, never mind.”

“Anyway, what I was trying to say is I’m seeing someone,” Buck begins, a small smile growing as he continues to speak.

It’s a start and pushing himself forward is all he can do now. He doesn’t want to live with so many secrets anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Content Warning:** chapter opens with a therapy session and allusions/non-graphic discussion of childhood physical abuse. Continued elements of depression and PTSD alluded to lightly. Mention of an elective surgery to remove hardware.
> 
> I hope everyone is still staying safe, especially this winter! 
> 
> You can also get in touch with me on tumblr now: [My Tumblr](https://lolabee20.tumblr.com/)


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